Remember when it rained
by JaneIsles
Summary: There's one moment when they both know that they need each other and they've to go trough a lot of pain, death and a fight that'll maybe change their lifes forever. Will the be able to go through this together or will it break them apart? HUDDY complete!
1. A magic meeting

Chapter One – A magic meeting

It was late in the evening; almost night she could say with a glance on her watch. She had a lot of things to do and she didn't notice the time passing by while she became more tired with every line she read. It wouldn't change anything if she did notice it, because that so-hated paperwork had to be done someday. It was a stressful day with a lot of patients and people who wanted something here and there and it was a day with a usual sinewy House who wanted to make some tests for his patient.

"Why does he always have to put up a fights?" she asks herself, letting out a long breath while she starts to put the done paperwork where it belongs. Cuddy couldn't say that she hates House, but she also couldn't say she likes him, could she?

She thought about that plenty of times after another argument. She had a lot of reasons to fire him, but she never did. He was a great doctor and she knows that. And House knows that too, but his behaviour is completely unacceptable. The way he behaves in front of his patients – and his boss, by the way – is not the way it should be, but still, he's good.

Deep inside her heart, Cuddy hopes he'll change someday, but she never told him so. It would let her look weak and if he wouldn't take her serious, he would make a job of it at least twice a day whenever he gets the chance.

She decides that it was enough for today and locks her office after leaving. It was silent, almost too silent. The only sound she could hear are her own steps.

In some way, she likes it. No emergencies, no troubling patients, just nothing like everything has gone to bed, not bothering each other and come back in the morning.

She stands close to the stairs, with a smile on her lips and looks around the hall. She heard a few steps far away and she knows that House ducklings were doing night shift to find out from which disease his patient suffer.

"And where's House?" she asks herself although she don't wanted to think about him anymore tonight and suddenly she realizes that she forgot something in her office…

House walks through the hospital.

"What a damn night!" he thought. "Too silent, nothings going on!"

Up to now he hasn't found out what's almost killing his patient and that bothers him. It also bothers him that there was nothing else he could do and let his assistants make the damn work "That bad clinic hours…"

He till felt boring when he decided that it would be a great idea to play with his game boy in his office. Maybe he could've a look if Cuddy's still there, but what should he say? Start a new argument? Annoy her a bit just because of boredom? He likes to argue with his boss and sometimes he thinks that she does too.

Once he started, it wasn't easy to stop thinking about Cuddy. She's a beautiful woman and he likes her smile and the way she rolls her eyes whenever he makes her upset. Of course he would never told her this. In some way, he likes her, but then there are moments he just thinks that he hates her.

With thoughts about bothering her he started to walk up the stairs…

Lost in her thoughts that once more ended up with House she couldn't avoid a smile. He has wonderful blue exes and she really likes that, they're just like hers.

She takes another breath and starts walking around the corner up the stairs and she almost reached the end when someone runs into her.

She was shocked, because she hadn't paid attention where she was going and she hadn't expected this. She wanted to tell this stupid person to watch out the next time. She was furious, because it came so unexpected.

She could feel this person really close to her and when she opened her eyes, she saw a pair of icy-blues eyes watching her and it became silent and everything around her seemed to move very slowly. Her mouth became dry and she actually wanted to step away but she

is unable to move.

She ran into House!

She feels his warm breath on her cheek and suddenly wonderful warmth spreads inside her body. Her lips almost touching his ones she thinks about kissing him.

"No, this is House, you can't…" she thinks slowly with a fast beating heart and weak legs. An hour ago she would've sent everyone to the mental clinic who claimed that she would someday think about kissing him.

Again, she looks into his eyes and for a second she thinks to see another Gregory House. So warm and comfortable, so soft. This seemed to be not the doctor she's dealing with every day…

Time passed by before he takes some action and collects himself before he's able to move and goes on.

"Sorry" he says silent, not looking her in the eyes and starts to walk down slowly.  
Cuddy takes another step higher and her legs still feel shaky. She swallows and takes a deep breath and her senses seem to come back so she turns around to see House watching up to her one last time before he leaves.

She managed to lean against the corner so that no one could see her from downstairs.

"What the hell happened?" she asks herself. "What was that?"

It shouldn't confuse her as much as it does right now. They didn't see themselves and ran into each other and no one's hurt and everything is fine. She closes her eyes and tries to becalm, one hand on the wall to help standing.

With the moment she closes her eyes she sees his ones watching her so peacefully and she still feels his warm breath on her face that makes her shivering.

No complaints, no comments, not a single word except "sorry" that she'd never heard him saying before, what was going on with him in this moment? And what's going on with her?

She still feels the shiver running down her back, her heart beats faster than usual and her legs still feel shaky. Comforting warmth spreads through her body when she realized that it was him standing so close to her.

"No way" she tells herself. "This is House…" but she can't forget the look on his face. He looked calm and soft and she really believes what he said. This one time, she does.

She never looked at him like she did on the stairs. She never took enough time to do. She had too much business with her job and between the lots of arguments they shared; she never really looked at him. Not like she should have and deep inside her heart she knew that he would change someday.

She also knew that she couldn't deny the signs anymore…

It was silent again and suddenly she heard a noise not far away from where she stands. Someone opens a door and she sees Cameron heading towards her.

"Dr Cuddy? Are you okay?" she asks sounding a bit worried. One hand of hers rests on her arm.  
"I heard something out here…"

"It's fine…" Cuddy answers finding her voice back.

"You sure? You look…"

"No thanks, I'm okay…" she interrupts her, bringing herself in a standing position.

"Right, you saw House?"

"No…" she answer automatically, one hand on her forehead. Of course she saw him

"I mean, yes… " She starts sounding confused.

"He…he walked down the stairs, she answers. "Down the stairs…" she repeats whispering more to herself.

"Okay, I'll look for him. Have a good night than. See you tomorrow." She says and starts to walk down.

"And take care!" she feels like she had to add it. She doesn't look very good.

"Thanks", Cuddy tells her with a light smile. The ducklings aren't that bad, they could be really kind.

Finally she walks towards the elevators, stairs made her mixed up enough for today. The thing she wanted to get from her office wasn't important anymore.

"Do I really look that bad that I need to be taken care off?"

Happy that she's just a short way from work to home, she feels tiredness coming back and she's never been so glad to come home and go to bed and sleep…

Meanwhile, House sat in his dark office, while the others did his work. In his hand, he holds his Vicodin but he didn't take it to his own surprise. He got weak, maybe too weak. And House never gets weak although it would be really hard to resist a woman like Lisa.

Standing so close to her, he could smell her perfume and he really liked that. He stood a bit ahead, because he's taller than she's and he could look in her eyes directly. They had something special, he thinks. Something he likes. One of the many things he likes on his boss, but would never tell anyone. He couldn't remember a time when he felt like this. He tried to fight that feelings, but he couldn't or actually don't wanted anymore…


	2. You feel, I feel!

**There ya go, the second one! I couldn't let you wait so long, you gave me such nice reviews! I hope you'll like and sorry because of the grammar errors! I noticed them in the first Chapters after I posted it and I was – truly – too lazy to change it afterwards! I'll probably do soon! Hope there are not that much in here, but I could always need people who'd check it first )  
Have fun… Comments are welcome, you know!**

Chapter two – You feel, feel!

The next morning House sits in his office with a lot of things going on in his mind. He has no idea what he should do about his patient and he always has an idea. He's pretty sure to figure it out, but how is the question. He has to ask his boss for more lab tests, but she wouldn't be very pleased, he thinks. It isn't something new, because every time he asks her about more test, she doesn't agree and they'll have an argument and he would do his tests however and Cuddy had to handle all when he eventually get sued.

For some reasons he was just looking for a reason to see her this morning, but at first he has to talk to the ducklings.

He stands up and feels the pain in his leg, but he doesn't care and enters the other room and gets himself a cup of coffee without any word.

"Something new?"

"Actually not" Foreman answers; looking up from the file he's reading.

"What does that mean? You worked the whole night, there should be any results!"

"In contrast to you, we did something!" Cameron says. "Where have you been?"

"Not that it should interest you, but I was in clinic!" House replies, trying to look innocent. The truth was that he spent almost the whole night in his office with no lights on so that nobody would think he was there. He needed time to think about Cuddy.

"In clinic? I couldn't find you!"

"Then watch out better the next time"

Allison is really tired and she had no pleasure to argue with him so she tries to change the topic.

"Did you already see Cuddy this morning?" she wants to know.

Immediately he remembers their "meeting" yesterday. These blue eyes and her wonderful skin, the feelings she suddenly seems to bring up, but actually he doesn't want.

"House?" Cameron asks with a questioning look on her face.

"Oh, No I haven't. Is that so important? I can do my work without her."

Of course he could do his work alone but he would also not complain about having her beside him.

"I met her in the hospital yesterday evening and she looked not very good. The first moment, I thought she was going to break down!"

"What did she say?" Chase asks.

"She said she was fine."

"Hormones can be really bad sometimes," House says sitting down on the table.

"What do you mean?"

"Who knows, maybe she's pregnant!" Cameron rolls her eyes.

"She's not pregnant House, you know that! You just want her to be to have a reason to tease her or to make jokes about her breasts!"

"I never would!" he says trying to look innocent.

"Of course not…" Chase throws in and shakes his head, laughing.

"Don't fool yourself guys! I don't care whether she's pregnant or not!"

"Why did you always mention it then?"

"Why do you've to ask so much questions?"

"Tell Me," she orders him with a knowing smile.

"It bothers her." He hisses into her direction and stands up. "Do your tests again, there has to be something, I'll be back later!" he tells them and was about to leave when Cuddy enters the room.

"Good morning", she says not directly looking at House. She knows that it would probably confuse her.

"How's patient doing?" she wants to know and finally turns around to look at House and her heart starts beating faster again.

He actually wanted to make jokes about her fun bags, but he couldn't. Not now.

"Nothing found out," he answers, not straight looking her in the eyes.

"I need results, they want to have some!" she tells him and tries to keep her voice strong. She wraps her fingers tighter around the file she holds, because she could feel them start trembling.

"Do I look like a wizard? I do what I can" he explains and steps closer to her. She tries to ignore this, because it wouldn't be helpful.

"I need tests," he says in a quiet polite voice.

"You had enough! Your patient has gone trough a lot of things, more test wouldn't probably help her!"

"So I should let her die?"

"Of course not! Check your results you might have missed something!"

He wanted to make a bad comment, but he couldn't. The scene from the stairs came back to his mind and with another glance at her now he has to say that she's very pretty. And he means that with no annoying thoughts or stupid comments about special parts of her body. Not the kind of things he always says about her. He should have taken a better look at her earlier to see how amazing she truly is.

"We need to talk House" she finally says and turns to face the other doctors. "You got no stuff to do?"

They all knew that this is not a question but an order so they stand up and leave the room while he follows her into her office, pretty sure that the ducklings would start to talk as soon as the door's closed.

They sat down in silence and she watches her hands, resting on the file she still holds.

House watches her without saying anything and he doesn't look away when she stopped looking at her hands. She lifts her head and there was it again. The wonderful pair of icy-blue eyes looking into hers. It irritates her and she became nervous again.

"Hell, what's going on? It's him," she tells herself with less success.

"I…I " she starts. "Look House…" this was all she could say. She looks for more words but they don't wanted to come.

"You okay Lisa?" he asks her calm.

This question surprised her and she couldn't remember a time when he used her first name

last but she likes it.

"Yes, sure. Why not?" she replies and smiles, pretending that she's fine.

"Cameron said she saw you and you looked ill"

"I… I wasn't ill. I'm not ill…"

He knows that she lies, she failed completely trying to hide that there's something going on with her. And also with him, but he's better in hiding it.

"You're pregnant!" he says and a light smile plays around his lips when she rolls her eyes and gives him a don't-start-this-conversation-again-look.

"House, come on. I'm not pregnant!"

"Then you've a boyfriend who's driving you mad!"

"You're driving me mad!" she snaps.

"And who's your friend then?"

"I never said there's one."

"Come on Cuddles! I want to know the truth!"

"Get into clinic! There's nothing to discuss now!"

"And when will it be the right time?" he asks and really enjoys teasing her and he doesn't even think about standing up and leave her office.

"Probably never!"

"Nice shirt"

"Don't change the topic," she answers. "Get into clinic right now!"

"You like me!" he says smiling.

God, she feels like she would melt away because of this smile.

"I know you do!" he says almost whispering. "I know it…" he says and leaves the room.

Back in there he leaves his boss, completely confused with no idea what to do to get out of her situation, with feelings she don't wanted to have. If there was on thing Greg House could do best, it's reading the signs to find out what a patient suffers from and her signs are more than obviously. And he seems to feel the same…


	3. Wishing and Understanding

Actually, I wanted to let you wait a bit longer, but I can't! So here's the next Chapter for you! Thank you for your nice reviews!

Chapter three – Wishing and Understanding

„You saw that?" Cameron asks the other men the moment the door closed behind them.

"Saw what?" Foreman wants to know.  
"The way they behaved!"

"Right, looked a bit weird. No snapping, no comments, no arguing!"

"If you ask me" Chase says "Cuddy seemed to be out of her mind. She looked nervous…"

"That's true. She never acts like this, only if something happened."

"You think there's something going on?"

Foreman lifts his shoulders. "Don't know, who knows?"

"What do you mean when you said you met her yesterday evening and she looked ill?" Chase asks turning his head to Cameron.

"I mean it as I said so. I heard something loud on the floor and when I went out to see what's going on, I only saw Cuddy…" she explains and the others became curious.

"And?"

"I saw her standing by the wall, one hand on it. Looked like she had to, otherwise she'd fall. Her cheeks were a bit red and she looked a bit messed up. I questioned her about House and first she said no, then she said yes and I went off to seek House" she ends, waiting for a reaction.

"And she was alone on the floor?" Chase asks.

"Yes, I saw no one else there or heard someone running away."

"Maybe she fell on the stairs?" Foreman asks.

"Mhm, I don't think so…" Cameron says.

"Why not?"

"Don't know she didn't look like she fell on the stairs. It must be something else…"

"Keep quiet now" Foreman warns, because he sees House coming nearer…

The whole time he walks to the lab, he thinks about what Cameron said about the meeting with Cuddy yesterday evening. He wished he could've seen her upstairs, but then Cameron came and wanted him to do some work so he had to hide and wait until she was out of sight and he could go to his office.

He enters the lab and finds the ducklings working on the results.

"Let's try to sum it up" he starts. "What do we have up to now?"

"She suffers from headache and has problems with her eyes. She feels sick several times a day without any particular reason and has problems in keeping balance," Foreman explains first.

"She denies food and don't wants to drink. We had to give her an infusion to prevent her from drying out" Cameron goes on.

"Does she feel better now?" House wants to know.

"No, not yet. No changes."

"What about her blood tests?"

"Looks okay, nothing to complain about."

"I think we can say she's definitely too young to be pregnant" House says.

"I think at the age of six, we can say that…" Cameron throws in.

"Maybe it's a neurological problem?"

"Could be, yes. Than make a CT of her head and tell me if you find anything to worry about."

"Didn't Dr. Cuddy say any more tests?" Cameron asks.

"A CT is not a test! Just do it. It'll maybe help us to solve her problem. I'll take care of Cuddy, don't worry about that!" he says. "Go on!"

They start to leave the lab room when he calls Cameron back.

"You stay for a word."

"What do you want?"

"I want to know what happened yesterday!"

"Tell Me!" she answers watching him.

"I don't know what you're talking about. Just tell me what was going on with her"

"I think you know pretty good of what I'm talking about. And I also think that you're not as innocent as you pretend to be" she tells him and smiles.

"If I believe Cuddy's words, I'm rarely innocent!"

"Right…"

"So, what happened?"

"I already told you so. She looked ill!"

"Seriously ill? Pregnancy-ill?" he asks her.

"Not seriously. Just a bit messed up and she seemed to be a bit confused. Something could've thrown her out of balance. Why do you want to know that?"

"I'm just curious. Go, help the others then" he told her and couldn't avoid a smile when she left.  
He also left the lab, because he must fix the thing with the CT before Cuddy finds out that he did it without permission.

He waits in front of the elevators and takes the first one and sees Cuddy standing in there, alone. She looks up when he walks in without saying a word and stands beside her. For a moment he thought she wants to say something but it stayed silent.

She closes her eyes to imagine that there was no one beside her or someone else.  
"Why him?" she asks herself, biting on her under lip. She feels his arms touching hers and her hands are almost touching his when she feels the wonderful feelings coming back again. Soon she decides that this elevator is too small. You've to stand too close to another person and there could happen a lot of mistakes or things that you actually wouldn't describe as mistake. Thinking about it twice, she tells herself that she don't wants to know what's always going on in her…

He could hear her breathing irregular and he could almost feel her nervousness.

House could smell her perfume, which fills the elevator.

"I could kiss her right now, just turn around and grab her…" he thinks and grins to himself. He would love to see the look on her face when he does.

Before he could think about doing it or not, the doors opened and they start to walk out.

"We need to talk," he says and she stops walking.

"What do you want? I said no more tests"

"I want to make a CT for my patient"  
"Why now? You said you didn't find anything."

"But we didn't check her brain."

"If there's really something, you wouldn't have needed the other tests."

"But X-rays are really unhealthy especially for young children" he says and he really seems to care and he was sure that she was about to smile.

"Right, do it," she says and walks off.

Time passed by and he stayed in his office most of the time. His back to the door so that he was able to look out of the window. He always had feelings for her. As friend and colleague but he never thought they could become so strong someday.  
He wants her. Not just have her, he wants to hold and comfort her, place light kisses on her lips whenever she needs it, but this won't happen if he goes on like this.

Probably it's not charming to make fun of her breasts or about pregnancy although he knows that she tries hard to become a mummy. He never thought about the fact that it could hurt her. If it does, she's great in hiding and if he cares, he's good in hiding it either.

Although he does all this, she doesn't seem to hate him, but in any case, she never said it. The way she looked in his eyes yesterday said thousands of words without speaking. The reaction Cameron described must have the reaction to something she never thought about before, just like him. He stayed for a while, looking out of the window thoughtful and then decided that it would be better to check on his young patient.

"Something new?" he asks entering the radiology.

"Yes we have" Foreman says, handing him the pictures. "Looks like extended ventricles."

"A hydrocephalus" House says. "It all fits together. The extended ventricles and the symptoms."

"But what had cause it?" Cameron asks.

"There can be a lot of things. Bleedings, accidents, other surgery on the brain, tumours… a lot of things, but that doesn't matter now. She needs treatment."

"And what should that be?" Cameron asks again.

"A ventriculo-peritoneal shunt, but that's not our case anymore. She belongs to the neurosurgeons now. Inform them and tell the patient" he says, puts the pictures on the table and leaves.

"Okay, than let's go," Chase says and stands up. "By the way, what did he want from you earlier?"

"Asked me about our boss," she says and they all left smiling.

Back in office, House sits again in his chair, looking out of the window. It's autumn and the leaves already started to fall. Sitting there in silence his thoughts drifted back to Cuddy. He covers his face with both hands, leaning back and takes a deep breath. His eyes are closed and he tries to relax a bit, not knowing how much time's passing by. He also didn't notice that someone enters his office and sits down at the corner of his desk in front of him.

Suddenly he realizes that he isn't alone anymore and opens his eyes and when he realizes that it was her, he sits upright and tries to look not that lazy, but she doesn't said anything, just smiles on him, but not looking him in his face.

"Why did you ask me for the CT if you already had one?"  
"Who told you?"  
"I have ways to find out" she says calm, still smiling. "Is she going to be okay?"  
"Not my patient anymore" he says and turns his chairs to sit right in front of her. "Suffers from a hydrocephalus. Not my case anymore but I think she'll do fine."

"Good…" she answers, than there's silence. After minutes, she starts to talk again.

"Greg?"  
"Yes?"  
"What happened?"  
He takes several seconds to give an answer. "I wish I'd know."

He hasn't stopped watching her and she turns her head to face him also.  
"If she'd listen to her heart now, she'd tell him what's going on but she felt not brave, not sure enough.

"You okay?" she asks. "Your leg's hurting?"  
"No, no thanks." He answers with a light smile. "I'm okay."

"Good, I got to go now. See you then…" she says and starts to leave.

"Are you okay?" He asks serious.

"Yes" she says silent. "I think so" she answers and walks off.


	4. Painful Confessions

**I hope you'll like it! I really do, it's one of my favourites up to now and I had to do it! I really had to do that… You know in movies, there's always a song and if there would be one now, it would be "Thank you (for saving my life) by Brian McKnight! It fits so perfect and before you start reading, check my homepage ( you can find it in my profile) and download the song there!**

Chapter four – Painful confessions

She forgot to count the days, the weeks or months. In the beginning she did and now? She lost it. Too much time passed by since she started fertilization and the more time passed, the more hopeless she gets.

She hates the examinations, hates the injections and everything that has to do with it. Sometimes she thinks about giving it up and take it as her destiny that she'll never have children on her own, but than there's still that little less of hope that keeps her fighting every day. She feels tired of waiting. First there's the process of injection. She's always afraid of that day and she will always be, but she never showed it. It scared her to walk in there alone, inside the room that seems so cold and huge that it sometimes felt like she would get lost laying there alone. This is the worst moment of all, the moment you realize that no one will hold your hand; no one would tell that everything is going to be fine in the end. This is the moment you realize in a really painful way that you're alone; otherwise you wouldn't be there. If this had happened, you'll need your very last strength to wait. Wait until it's time to take the test, which shows you the truth. And you'll b alone again, sitting on the edge of your bathtub in the small room in the middle of the night, elbows resting on your knees, your face covered with your hands. You try to breath slowly and fight against your fear when you stretch out your shivering hand to look at the test. In the end, you wished that you hadn't, because you already knew it, but you wanted to be strong until you got it. You begin to cry, because you're hurt and furious and you feel disappointed, but no one will ever know. The next morning you stand up and go to work and no one will know anything about it. You start your usual arguments with House to forget the pain until it's time to face it again…

This is what Cuddy deals with and she couldn't stop thinking about it since she agreed to give it another try. At the moment, she'd love to ban it out of her life, because it's cruel she thinks. That's not the way a baby should be made, with no love and comfort, so cold and lonely. No, this is not how it's supposed to be, she thinks and feels her eyes burning with tears. She takes a few deep breathes and blinked them away as good as she could.

Again, it's late in the evening and she decides to walk a bit in the hospital. She avoided going home, because she would have too much time to think there.

She walks slowly; greeting a few nurses here and there and reaches the top of the stairs. She starts to walk down step by step and wishes that he could be here, running into her again so that she could feel someone else presence and comfort, and this time, she wouldn't hesitate…

He made his way to the Neurosurgery soon after he found out that his young patient had surgery. He just wants to make sure that she's been treated well. He couldn't stand the silence around him so he had to do something.

What happened to him? How did he become such a person? A person who doesn't seem to care about others, although he treats them. A doctor who started drowning his pain in drugs and he must have known it better. God, he's a doctor!  
Not only the drugs, but also a lot of things changed him into someone who hurts others to hide his own fears, because he's too afraid to face.

And he hurts Cuddy and that's what he regrets most. She never said it but he could see it in her eyes and she's maybe the only person who could help him out of this, the only one he needs…

Dr. Cuddy still walks around and actually she hopes to find House, but she doesn't want to ask someone for help, because it would maybe cause rumours. Of course she's the boss and can ask for everyone she wants, but she thinks that she asked for him a bit too much in the past time and that could be conspicuous.

Hell, there can be a lot of places where he can be. She already checked his office, the lab; any examine room that appeared to be empty and even the area in front of the hospital where she once found him laying on the wall. She tried to think about it again and then the Neurosurgery came to her mind. His patient – or ex-patient – had surgery and maybe he's there.

She reached the department and entered.

"Good evening Dr. Cuddy" a man says sitting behind the reception. "Long time no see, what brings you up here?" he asks.

"Hey, nothing special. Just have to check on someone," she replies friendly and wants to enter the ward, but doesn't know which one's her room.

"You could do me a favour," she tells him, walking back to the reception desk.

"Everything you want doctor"

She laughs and he adds fast "Almost everything you want!"

"Good, I just want to know where I can find Angela Smith, young patient at the age of six, had surgery today."

"Oh, it's the other way" he shows her the opposite doors as if she wouldn't know where it is. "She's to stay on the intensive ward this night. It's room nine."

"Thank you very much" she answers and leaves the entrance area. With the moment she enters the intensive ward, it becomes silent. All you could her is the sound of different machines in the patient's rooms.

She found number nine and the door was left open a bit so she slipped in without making any sound and closes the door with a soft "click".

She hasn't entered the patient's room directly, she stands in a small one with different things you would need in case of an emergency and several materials. Through a window beside the door, you can watch the patient lying in there. From the distance, she could say that she's sleeping and has a small white plaster on the right side of her head.

And there's House, watching the young girl.

She steps beside him.

"Not your case anymore, he?" she asks with a low voice and turns her head to face him.

"I just wanted to be sure that she's fine" he answers, facing her also.

"Is she?"

"Yes, I think she's going to be okay. They want to keep her over the night just for the case that something happens."

Cuddy looks through the window again and he could see that she's thinking about something, she looks somehow sad. He can't stand the silence and starts to speak.

"I have to tell you something" he begins and she turns to him.

"Go ahead" she says.

"I'm sorry", he says. "I'm sorry for what I did."

"But you don't have to. I'm not any better…" she says soft. " How much times did I start arguments? And sometimes I did it on purpose!"

He smiles short, because he always knew that she did it and goes on.

"No, you don't have to. It's not what I mean, or in some way it is. Please just listen to me," he starts again and she does.

"I don't know what happened to me. I became a cruel person. I may have good skills, but I'm not a great doctor if I can't stand being around my patients," he pauses with a short glance at Angela.

She bites her lip and keeps her mouth close otherwise she would start crying.

"I hate to see them suffering, it reminds me of my pains. The ones I tried to drown with the drugs. I wasn't like this when I decided that I wanted to be a doctor! I wanted to help patients. I'm doing it but not like I should," he says never loosing Cuddy out of sight. She tries to breath calm to deny the tears. She never expected this and she feels touched and sorry for him. Why did she never notice these things?

"The thing I hate most is that I hurt you!" he says and his voice becomes silent in the end. She looks down to the ground and warm tears are running down her cheeks.

"Look at me Lisa" he says soft.

"You never…" she says in a tearful voice and doesn't care that she's crying anymore.

"I did. You don't have to tell me, but I know, I did. Every time I asked you about being pregnant or made fun of it, I hurt you and I needed such a long time to understand what harm I was doing to you" by this time, more tears are coming and she sobs from time to time.

"It hurts me when I think about that I hurt you and I'm so sorry about that. It made me understand what a human I became and I don't like that either. That's not me and I've to stop hiding behind the wall I built around me. You told me that a lot of times and now I understand" he says and steps closer.

"I need you…" he whispers. "I need you to get out there" and then he raises one hand and wipes her tears away in a gentle way. The feeling of their touching skins is more comfortable than she thought it to be.

He takes his hand away and the distance between them closes with every second.

"Say something" he says soft, but she just bites her lip, tears falling down. Then she looks him in the eyes and lays one hand of hers on his cheek, slowly. He closes his eyes for a moment and he could feel her warm breath so close to him. He feels her body touching his and there was it again. This feeling. She feels weak and her legs are shaking, her heart beats fast and everything around her seems to move slowly. She needs him, her lips are almost touching his and it feels like she would fly when they're finally touching. She immediately forgets everything around her and it feels like someone has taken something away from her so that she feels relaxed. He lays his arms around her and holds her soft and probably would never let her go again…


	5. Men talk

**Sorry I couldn't update earlier, because my MS word was on strike! Goddamn it! So you'll get an early (or late) update... hope y'all had a nice weekend! Have fun in reading the chapter, hope you'll like it )**

Chapter five – Men talk

This night, Cuddy went home alone, but it felt different. Suddenly, the feeling of being lonely wasn't that strong anymore although she doesn't know how it'd go on.

After the kiss, she was so stunned that she couldn't find any words and she would have loved to say something.

After they broke the kiss, he looks in her eyes and wiped the last tears away and they started to leave and went to their offices. In front of it, they stopped and now he was the one who seemed to be nervous.

He wanted to say something, but there were no words coming.

"You don't have to say something now" she says with a smile and he could see her eyelashes that were still wet from crying.

"Thanks…" he whispers and smiles short, his eyes looking somewhere beside her.

"Let's talk tomorrow", she tells him. "Have a good night then."

She wished that she hadn't left like this, but she didn't know what to do and before the awkwardness showed up and destroyed the wonderful moment, she decided it was best to leave…

The next day, House is early at work and that's really rare for him. But she said they'll talk and he really needs to talk to her.

He sees a light in Wilson's office and enters.

"Wow, something special that you're here so early?" he asks laughing.

"Good morning" he says, not paying any attention to his question.

"I heard things…" he says, not looking up from his paperwork.

"What kind of things?" He wants to know and asks himself at the same moment if someone had seen them.

"Heard you and Cuddy were acting strange"

"Well, that depends on how you interpret the word "strange", because we're always acting a bit strange!" he explains. "Or would you describe it as normal?"

"No, not really" Wilson answers and noticed that he's somehow different this morning.  
Minutes of silence passed by and no one says something and suddenly he couldn't keep it anymore.

"I kissed her," he says in a serious, but calm voice.

Wilson looks up from his desk with an unbelievable look on his face.

"You kissed her? And you're not kidding me?"

"No, I didn't. And actually she was the one who started it!"

"You're blaming her?" he asks although he couldn't believe this.

"Hell no! I never would!"  
"So, you wanted it too?"

It takes him a couple of seconds to answer.  
"Yes… I never thought I would, but I wanted it too"

"And what's bothering you now?"

"There's nothing that bothers me"

"Liar. I told you, there must be a reason for you to be here around this time."

"I don't know how it's going on! She kissed me and I kissed back, but what should I do now? I was an asshole all the time, you know that!"

"Sometimes, yes…" he throws in.

"I told her that I'm sorry about that, but I would understand if she don't wants me!"

"What did she say?" Wilson asks interested. This is a completely new site on his friend. Something changed him and even he could see that.

"Nothing" House answered.

"You apologized and she didn't say anything? That's not her manner!"

"She started crying!" House tells him and faces him.

"Oh, and then you…?" he wants to know.

"Yes… I mean, what if it was just something she did because of weakness?" he says and it hurts him a bit to claim something like that.

"No" Wilson says with a knowing face.

"It wasn't just an action of weakness"

"How do you want to know that? You weren't there!"

"Because she loves you! I know she does and she would probably never kiss you for nothing!"

"She loves me?" he asks with mixed feelings.

"She told me so."

"But she never said anything", he answers.

"Any idea why?" Wilson asks. "You said it before."

"Yes…"

"I wouldn't have shown you something either. I'm sorry, but I have to say it. Your behaviour wasn't the best and maybe she was too afraid that you would make fun of her or disappoint her!"

"I understand that…"

"Do something, before you loose her! Will you?

"Yes, I already told her so. I told her that some things I did were wrong and that I don't want to go on like that anymore."

"I think this is a good way to start!" Wilson says and he really means it like he said.

After another short period of silence, Wilson starts to laugh.

"What?" House asks.

"I never thought that you two would once be so close together without killing each other!"

"Me too!"

"Where did you kiss?" I'm curious…"

"I see… Neurosurgery. On the intensive ward"

"Did anybody see you?"  
"No, I don't think so. And you'll keep quiet! I don't want the whole hospital to know, not before I know what's really going on! I swear, I'll kill you. You're the only one who knows!", he says.

"Don't worry man" I'm not going to tell anyone!"

"Good"

His voice becomes serious again.

"Do you love her?"

"I always had feelings for her, but it's so difficult! There were times where I'd say no and there are times when I would say yes."  
"And what time is it now?"

"I think it's time to say yes!" he answers.

"I thought so" Wilson smiles and for the first time this morning, House smiles too.

"Will you tell her?"

"I don't know how! I can't walk in her office and tell her that I love her like it's nothing!"  
"I think you'll find a way someday, but don't wait too long!"

"I won't" he replies and then, someone opens the door.

"Good morning Cuddy" Wilson says and tries not to smile.

"Hey" she says when she sees House sitting there also and looks to the ground for a short time with a smile.

"I… I need the Jenson-file I gave you yesterday."

"Sure, there ya go" he says and handles her the one he was reading before.

"Thank you, see you two later" she says and waits a short moment before she leaves…


	6. Hiding

**So guys, this is the next one for you, I hope you like it and for all of you who're interested, I made Huddy Banners and Ava's! You can see them on my website! Comments are welcome a usual...**

Chapter six – hiding

After she came into Wilson's office, he sat there and said nothing.

"You really need to talk…" Wilson said and House sat there for a while and left to spent his time somewhere else and talk to Cuddy.

The next days, he tries to catch Cuddy all the time, but she's really good in hiding herself. Every time, she sees him somewhere in the hospital, she changes her way and tries to avoid him.

She wasn't there all the time, there must be something that keeps her away from the hospital and he so wants to know what it is! She loves her work and she hates missing a day even she is ill!  
On Wednesday morning, he walks past her office and doesn't expect her in there but she is and he walks back without knocking on the door as usual and suddenly he doesn't know what to say. He wanted to talk to her all the time and now that he has the chance he can't find any words.

"What do you want?" she asks with a really cold and distant voice and he feels slapped.  
"You want any tests?"

"No, actually not. I want to talk to you," he says.

"Go on," she says not looking up from her paperwork and he feels hurt.

It also hurts her to treat him like this, but she needs to keep him away. She needs the distance although she thinks that she would not be able to get trough it. She'll have her next fertilization soon and she needs her strength for this, she feels not able to deal with him, with all of this. She feels like she has to keep him away, it would be easier she thinks. She doesn't want anyone beside her, close to her, she thinks it would make her weak and she would not strong enough to get it.

"You'll start talking today?" she asks.

"No, it's okay." He says and leaves and when he's out of sight. She lays her head down on her hands; she was about to start crying. How could she be so cruel? Now that he starts to stop hiding behind his wall, she starts building her own. She feels really sensitive now and she has to be alone although she wants comfort so bad, but she couldn't let him come closer.

Two days later, he sees her down in clinic and was glad the very first time that he decided to go down and check what's going on. He sees her standing by the reception desk and grabs her arm while walking by, taking her with him. He tries best no to be so rough. He moves slowly, his hand soft around her arm and she did not really protest.

"House, what's going on?" she asks and they enter an empty examine room together.

"What the hell should that be?" she asks angry.

"That's what I'm asking you! I'm trying to talk to you all the time and you're hiding from me!"  
"I'm not hiding!"  
"What would you call it then?"

"I've been really busy the past days. I've things to do, I've appointments and things to care for!" she explains.

"You're always busy!" he says. "Why do you leave work so much?" his voice becomes soft.

"I told you, I have appointments!" she says and her voice is cold again.

"We need to talk!" House says.

"We're talking," she whispers, not looking at him. "I have to go."

She leaves the room without looking at him anymore and leaves him back in there, disappointed and hurt. Yes, he feels hurt and suddenly, he remembers the words Wilson told him:"She loves you…" This doesn't feel like love. He couldn't see the tears running down her cheek when she left the room.

Cuddy picked up her things from her office and leaves. Today, she'll have her last examination before she'll finally have the fertilization and she's afraid as usual...

She enters the clinic and the uncomfortable feeling caught her again and she wants to turn around immediately. Today, it'll be the day when it happens. She sits down and tries to keep her thoughts together and tries hard not to be so nervous. She could feel their looks on her, could feel them drown her and her heart beats faster. She feels warm and she wants it to be over and she has to fight against tears while she waits the whole time.

It took almost an hour when someone calls her name.

"Dr. Cuddy" a man says really polite. He was a really nice man and a great doctor and she liked the way he takes care of his patients. He always tries best to make that damn situation as comfortable as possible and she's really thankful for that.

"Hello Dr. Linton" she says standing up and shakes his hand. He even brings up a smile.  
"How's the work in hospital?" he asks leading her to the room.

"Oh, the usual business, you know. Always a lot of things to do", she says.

"I think so, that's why I decided to keep it calm" he says and smiles. "You know, you should avoid stress a bit"  
"I try my best!"

"There we are" he says and opens the door. She steps in and the atmosphere changes. The walls are painted in a soft, bright colour, there were lights everywhere but it was not too dark and not too bright, it's perfect if she could say that in such circumstances. Here and there, she can see small flowers painted on the wall and she even knew the details. She knew it already too well. She's been here a lot of times before.

She changed her dress and sits down on the chair, trying to breath calm. Dr. Linton keeps talking to her but she isn't really listening. She hears his voice far away.

She hears him preparing the things she needs and her heart beats faster with every second. She feels lonely again and she tries best to fight against it! She doesn't want to let it drown her again and she doesn't want to think about the result she'll get in two weeks, but it comes all back in the moments of weakness. Her hope has almost gone and she knew it would be negative. This process is always an emotional one and it'll always be.

Dr. Linton finished his work and started to talk to her again. His voice is calm; he takes her hand and presses it short.  
"I'll be back to check on you later, just remain laying."  
"Okay" she answers.

Times passes time and suddenly she finds herself ridiculous. So many women had gone trough this over the years and she feels so stupid that she behaves like this. She'll get over this, she can't change it. Thirty minutes later, the doctor came back and tells her that everything went fine and she could go home now. She knew the usual things afterwards, no alcohol, no stress and calm down for the rest of the day.

On her way home she thinks about going into the hospital, but she decided against it. She knew that it was just because of House, if they hadn't kissed, she would've gone back to work.  
She just couldn't be around him although she wants it like nothing else in the world; her problem is that she knows that he would notice it. House always knows, because he was looking although you never notice this. He would know that she doesn't feel well and maybe that it was "the" day and she isn't sure if she could stand it.

She calles Wilson and tells him that she needs the day off and that she won't come back today and thank god, he didn't ask any question.

She also doesn't know that at this moment, House sits there also.

"Cuddy won't come back today," Wilson tells him.

"What the hell is going on with her?"

"You talked to her?" he asks.

"I wish I had. I tried to all the time, but she was hiding!"  
"But why should she do that?"  
"Don't ask me!" House says. "She told you something?"

"Not a single word…"

They were sitting in silence, both thinking about what they should do.

The next two weeks, House got no chance to talk to her. She had a lot of things to do, or she pretends to do a lot of things. He knows that she suffers, knows that something hurts her and he wants to help her but he doesn't know how if she won't let him come closer and tell him what's going on. He spent a lot of time in his office, not skipping his clinic hours, but thinking.

Sometimes, he goes to clinic without someone telling him, just with the hope to see Cuddy but she never showed up…

The two weeks are over and Lisa Cuddy sits in her office with no lights on. She made the test a few seconds ago and now she waits. She doesn't want to do it at home, she needs something around her. In the hospital, there will always something around you and she needs it now.

Two minutes that appear to be an eternity and she has to face it. She takes the test out of her bag and looks at it. Three letters that will tell her the truth. And with the second she looks at it, everything blurred and tears are flooding her eyes, the warm liquid flows down her cheeks.

She lays her face in her hands and cries heavily. Another fail and she feels exhausted, she couldn't do that anymore. She couldn't stand the pain anymore.

She cries a long time and she doesn't notice House walking by, but he noticed. He hesitated a moment, but it would probably break his heart to go on without doing anything.  
He enters her office silent and walks to her. She knows that he's there but she couldn't look at him. He takes her hand without saying anything and embraces her. Her head rests on his chest, his arms around her and he does nothing more than hold her and for her, it's the best thing he could do.

"I'm so sorry…" he says in a low voice, she hasn't stopped crying but it's okay.

She wants to hold him forever, it's what she needs now, she needs him…


	7. An autumn evening

Chapter seven – An autumn evening

Minutes passed by before they moved, Cuddy still cries and he holds her all the time.

„It was so awful" she whispers, he looks her in the eyes and all he could see is pain.

She suffers from everything she has gone through, from pain, fear and exhaustion and House understands that best.

„Let's take you home" he says and she takes her jacket and walks out of her office, wipping a few tears away, knowing that there will be more tonight.

„But, I have so much things to do!" she says, taking his arm while walking.

„Not tonight" he says and leads her out of the hospital.

„But I should..."

„I should be in clinic right now..." he says, taking the risk of being send away.

She looks at him, but doesn't said anything. He saved her in her office, he was there without being asked for and she couldn't say how thankful she is about that. She won't remind him of his clinic duty tonight, because the imagination of being alone would kill her and she needs him so bad.

House decides that it's best not to ask any questions before she changes her mind.

They walk through the cold darkness of an autumn evening and he's glad that it's not raining.

While they're walking without any words, she once thought that it would be awkward but it isn't.

The sound of their steps on the fallen leaves is really pleasant to her wounded heart and the autumn wind that blows through the trees sounded like music to her ears. She feels it on her face and it dries her tears and although it's cold, it feels so wonderful.

After a while, she stopped holding his arm and they're walking beside each other.

House always loved the autumn, but he never paid a lot of attentionto it. Many people dislike it, because they say it causes depressions. He never thought that this is right. People who suffer from a so-called „winter depression" caused it by themselves. The truth is that they're not going out anymore, because they hate the cold and instead of dressing warmer, they prefer to stay at home. He's also not out a lot, but that's because he's working and he never complains about having depressions.

He feels Lisa's hand touching his hand every once in a while and after they walked further, he moves his fingers to touch hers and she does the same as if it's an order to take it and so he does.

Finally, he takes her cold hand and she smiles short although she's still sad and squeezes his hand soft.

Suddenly it feels like she's on her first date where she wants no one to see that she's holding hands with a nice guy. Just that their background isn't that nice as it seems, but she is thankful to be able to forget about her pain just for a few seconds.

Now, House knew why he likes the cold and the autumn. It's always a time for changes. This season has something special, he thinks, wondering at the same time that he thinks things like this, but he had to say that he's right. So much things happened in the past time, so much things he'd never dreamed of.

And he likes Halloween. He liked to scare the patients in the hospital while he was working and if this bored him after a few hours, he loved to sit in his office and eat all the candy he could find and then Cuddy had come and ordered him to clinic when she'd realized that he hadn't been where he should.

They reach her home in silence and stand in front of each other.

„Thank you" she says and it's the first time she speaks since they left work. He thinks that she wants to say some more so he waits a few seconds, but she said nothing.

He tries to make up his mind of what he should say. A couple of weeks ago, House would've said something without thinking about it, but he doesn't want to say something wrong now.

„I think I should go now..." he says and wants to go, but she takes his hand.

„Don't go" she says soft. „Please don't go. I don't want to be alone tonight. I need you too!" she whispers and he steps closer, placing a soft kiss on her forehead.

„I won't go".

Inside it's warm and comforting and he made some tea while Cuddy changes her clothes. She came back and he handles her a cup of tea.

„Thanks"

„You're hungry?" he asks.

„No, are you?"

„No" he answers and he follows her into her bedroom. She sits down on the bed and leans herself against the pillows lying there. She looks exhausted and tired.

„You need anything?" he asks her.

„Yes" she whispers and holds out her hand once more. „Come here"

He sits down on the bed, one arm around Lisa. Her head rests on his shoulder and she hears him breathing.

He could feel that she's about to cry again.

„You wanna talk about it?"

„No" she answers in a teary voice. „Not tonight... maybe someday."  
„I'll be there" he answers and he really would be there.

„Thank you" Lisa says, not knowing how much times she said it tonight. She feels so comforted and saved in his arms.

„Thank you for everything" she whispers before she falls asleep...


	8. Look at me!

Chapter eight – Look at me

It's almost two months ago since Lisa Cuddy woke up in her own bed in the morning with someone beside her.

House had not left when she had fallen asleep, he stayed and hold her the whole night until he finally fell asleep too. It was an unusual but nice feeling to wake up in the arms of someone except it was House and that's what probably made it unusual for her.

The fact that it was Gregory House.

She got used to their relationship, but she couldn't say what she really wants. The feeling in the morning wasn't that awkward as she thought. She watched him sleeping so peaceful and calm. She smiled when she thought that it's the same with a child. No damage while they're sleeping.

In the end, she stood up to make coffee before she would have started to cry again.

They talked a bit where he asks if she's doing fine and she thanked him for being there and the went to work and everything seemed to be fine as always.

She had never kissed him again, the moment on the ward was the first and the last one up to now.

She longed for him and wants him to hold her.

She desperatly needs him but she couldn't say it now. Of course, she said it before, but this were single moments and she never said it again. She wants him to know it, but she couldn't say it.

They never talked about it.

Sometimes, she fights against it and wishes that she could make it undone.

A part of her wants to turn back the time to change everything. She would take the elevator instead of the stairs and everything would be different. And then there's the other part of herself that wants him. He became such a special part of her life, no matter if she wants it or not.

Her heart aches when she tries to keep him away. She would like to cry everytime she sees this look on his face. The love and disappointment and the worst thing is that she could see that she hurts him.

And still, she isn't able to switch it off. She's been alone over such a long time.

She feels bad and cruel about this.

Sad about herself and what she does. He annoyed her so much times and they played their games a lot of times and he hurt her sometimes, but this is not a game anymore and these are not the reasons for the conflict inside of her although she tries to blame it on the past happenings.

She knows that it's not right and that it's something she'll have to deal with on her own.

She's pretty sure that he's in his office, maybe solving a case but she knew him good enough to say that he probably hangs around. She can't imagine that he's in clinic now.

Sometimes, while she sits in her office, talking to some donors on the phone, she thinks about of what would happen when she would walk straight into his office and kiss him? No one knows up to now and then they would all know and she wouldn't care anymore, because she's the boss and everytime she thinks about doing this, something holds her back.

With the time, she realizes that it's fear that keeps her apart from him.

She's afraid that it wouldn't work out in the end and she couldn't stand thinking about how work would be if they got apart or end up fighting and everything will be bad!  
She sits in her office and tries to do some paperwork, but the sheets are still blank, because she couldn't concentrate.

Everytime, she tries to focus her thoughts at the important things, House is stronger.

The guilt she feels is too strong to deal with.  
She throws her pen on her desk and lays her head in her hands. She couldn't stand this anymore...

He stopped hanging around in clinic because he knew that Cuddy wouldn't show up. So he prefers going back to his office where she won't show up either.

He sent the ducklings away and sits in his chair, his ball in his hands. After a while, he starts to throw it to the wall and catch it all the time. He needs to do something.

He wanted to talk to Cuddy all the time, but she pulled him away and he doesn't understand her. He had done nothing wrong and maybe he'll never understand her.

He wants to be there for her, wants to hold her in his arms, because he knows that she needs it and he wants to know why? Why is she doing this? What happened to her?  
He couldn't stand that anymore.

Every evening, he went home after work, he feels empty. Once in a while, he plays the Piano. Wonderful, relaxing sounds but they didn't make him feel better. When he went to bed and insomnia keeps him awake, it's worse than ever, because he always thought about her.

Her smile, and her wonderful eyes. Her lips coming closer and place a soft kiss on his lips. She stands on her toes, because he's too tall for her and he would lay his arms around her hips to hold her...

He's still throwing the ball on the wall when he suddenly stops and starts looking for something in his desk.

Soon, he found what he was looking for. A little orange bottle with white small pills. The pills that once almost killed him.

It's vicodin.

He stopped taking it after he met Cuddy on the stairs. He knew she doesn't like this and she always says that there are other ways and he believed it once. It was hard in the beginning, just because he was used to it and up to now, it's okay.

He thinks about taking some pills. He thinks about the wonderful feeling the pills will give them and he would feel his body relaxing. Almost like a kiss.

He leans back and closes his eyes. He won't start using it again. He never wants to go back to the dark part of his life that had been once so cruel. He won't start using drugs just because something was going on with Cuddy. He has to talk to her, no matter if she wants to talk to him or not. She will talk to him, he won't let her go before they talked! The old House had never given up and he will not either.

He throws the orange bottle away and leaves his office. Minutes later, he enters Cuddy's office without knocking. He closes the door behind himself and sits down on the chair in front of her desk.

„May I help you?" she asks.

„I hope you will."

„How?"

„Talk" he simply says.

Her look is a bit surprised and confused.

„We already talked!"  
„No we didn't and you know that!" he tries to be calm, because he gets angry.

„House..." she starts, but he interrupts her.

„No, listen to me. All you do is avoiding me. You send me away every time you can. You're barely talking to me and that's not your manner... what's going on with you?" he wants to know and his voice becomes silent and soft.

She lays her head in her hands again and takes a few deep breaths.

„I don't know..." she whispers and stands up, turning her back on him and watches out of the window.

„I know that I did things wrong-" he tries to explain but she interrupts him.

„No, it's not because of this..." she says and sounds sad.

„Then tell me what it is!"

„After the kiss... everythings seems to be so different and I sometimes think that it was a mistake" she says and regrets her words in the same seconds but it was too late to take them back.

She could almost feel how he must feel and her eyes are filling with tears. The silence between them is really uncomfortable.

„I don't know what I should say" he whispers and bits his lip. „There's maybe nothing else to say..."

„What do you think about it?" she wants to know and still couldn't bring herself to turn around.

He hesitates a moment and says:

„I think it was the best thing I ever did in the last few months and it changes me and it felt so right!" he says almost whispering and keeps the distance between them, because he's afraid of being regreted again.

Lisa tries to breath calm and tears are coming up, his words are touching her.

„It's just that I can't being around you. I can't stand to have you so close to me, because in the end it won't probably do any good. And I'm afraid that it'll end up worse and everything will be more difficult as it already is."

He hears her crying and she could see him in the window in front of her. He looks to the ground and waits for a reaction. He looks so sad.

„If you think it's a mistake then turn around and say it. Look me in the eyes and say that it was a mistake."

„Please, stop this..."

„Look at me and say that you don't want me."  
He waits a few seconds but she didn't move, she could still see him and suddenly he wants to leave without saying anything, but she calls him back.

„Greg..." she says in a tearful voice. „I can't!"  
„Can't what?"  
„I can't tell you that I don't need you. It would hurt too much..." she whispers.


	9. Have yourself a merry little christmas

**To all my dear readers, I hope you'll love this one as much as I do! I couldn't post it on christmas time, because I would have let you wait so long and I couldn't do that! This chapter has something special for me and I can't even say why... I just love it! **

Chapter nine - Have yourself a merry little christmas

Christmas had come to town fast and the snow dived the Streets and the area of the PPHT in a wonderful white one. It snowed the whole night and he's glad that it stopped before he had to leave the House. Walking with his cane would be too difficult then.

The hospital had decorated with a lot of christmas things that should let it look more familiar and suitable to the season.

He actually doesn't need all the stuff. Maybe a little bit, not too much because it's not that nice anymore. Less is always more he thinks. The Campus is almost empty, they'd all gone on winterbreak he thinks. He hasn't any days off now and he truely don't wants free days. The actual christmas celebration takes place tomorrow, but the evening before is always special too.

Cuddy likes the picture she sees when she stepped out of the House. A wonderful bright white picture like one of those you could find in christmas books with sweet stories. She starts to walk fast, she could hear the snow gnashing unter her shoes and she once turned around to look at the footprints she left in the snow.

She maybe won't be home in the evening. She would be alone and this would be terrible on the day before christmas. She's not going to spend the celebration days with her parents because they decided to go on a trip and she descides that it would be the best to stay at the hospital. She always tried to keep her private life apart from her work, but with the time, her job became a part of her private life too. She's dean of medicine, it's her hospital and she always worries about something. She could switch it off when she goes home but in her mind there are always a few things left she thinks about from time to time. Especially when one of her patients died. That could stuck in your mind over a long time sometimes, if you want it or not.

This time, she thinks about the children in the hospital. The ones with no family, the ill ones who're not allowed to go home. She always feels some kind of sad about it and so she tells herself that she'll be there for them tonight instead of being at home alone. Asking herself why another year passed and she was still alone.

„Good morning Dr. Cuddy" she hears someone saying before she wants to enter the hospital. She hadn't even noticed that someone was sitting on the small wall in front of the entrance.

„Good morning Dr. House" she replies with a smile, standing in front of him.  
The relationship between them hadn't worked out the way it should've but he knows that she still wants him and she knows that he wants her, that's a beginning.

„You wanna sit down?" he asks, shwowing her the free space beside him in the wall.

„Isn't it cold?" she asks, still smiling.

„No, not really."

She sits down, close beside him and feels the warmth his body spreads. He was right, it isn't that cold.

„Why are you sitting here?" she asks, looking at the building in front of them.

„I don't know, I just felt like doing it before work starts."

„Oh, okay..." she answers, not knowing what to say, but she also enjoys the silence between them. It isn't that bad anymore.

„You ever did this before?" he asks her.

„No, not that I could remember. Why?"

„It looks so different. It's not that hectical and no one would think that we're doctors here. So no one would ask any questions and we can sit here without bothering about something."

She laughs.

„That's true, but we can sit here forever. First thing is that we've patients and other work to do and second thing is that we could get ill by sitting here so long."

He laughs too.

„You're right, just a few more seconds."

She remains sitting like he does and enjoys the silence. This is going to be a more calm day as usual. A lot of patients are allowed to go home for christmas days and there are less people coming as emergency. She never found out why it's like this, because everyone tends to say that there are more accidents while christmas, but she could never complain about it.

This is going to be a calm day with no fights. She feels that by sitting so close to him. Something tells her that this is going to be a calm day.

With the time, she understands what he told her in her office. She told him that she likes him and that she needs him really and she stopped fighting against it. She managed not to fight against her feelings, because it won't do her any good and him either. She just never found the right time to tell or show him, but he knows it. Lost in her thoughts, she doesn't notice him standing up.

„Dr. Cuddy?" he asks in a friendly well and she smiles, because for some reason they started to call themselves „Doctor" when they're talking to each other in situations like this.

He holds out one hand. „We don't want you to get ill."

„You're right" she answers and takes his hand while standing up. She couldn't remember a time when they entered the hospital together, walking beside each other without complaints or arguments.

Some of the nurses look up when they came in and she's sure that there will be rumours soon.

„I wish you a nice day" she says and enters her own office.

She couldn't help but smile. This is a wonderful feeling, to act like normal people. Once, she thought she would miss fighting with him, but for now it's wonderful the way it is.

He could say that he's in a pretty good mood today. Not much patients to take care of and no Cuddy who reminds him of hhis clinic duty so that he could spend most of the time in his office. He just leaves it from time to time to sntach a lolli from the nurses.

The time passes by and the work that had to be done was done by the ducklings and he had no time where they were and he doesn't really care except they're killing someone.

It became late and he decides to take a last walk through the clinic for tonight. He sees mistle toes and candy everywhere. He really likes that candy thing but the mistle toes are also not that bad. The tradition of kissing someone under it comes to his mind and he tells himself that he should out where he stands and with who.

He could lead Cuddy under one he thinks.

He treats three patients with easy cases. A patient with a flu, someone who drank too much and a man who burned his hand with some christmas thing.

All in all, it was fast and easy. Most of the stuff he could find down in clinic in the afternoon went home, it's already time for the nightshift and it gets calm in the hospital. His work was done for today and he goes back to his office to get his things.

Lisa Cuddy spend her day with paperwork most of the time and sometimes, she seems to feel boring. Not even House came because he wanted something.

When everything was done, she went to the paediatric ward and talks with the nurses for a short time before she had to leave to check on her patients.

She takes some chocolate with her before she heads to a room. It's the room of little Jessalyn, a seven-year- old cancer patient with no family. Cuddy could see her sitting on her bed through the window in the door.

She growed up in an orphanage almost all her life, she spent almost the last two years of her life inside of the hospital. She's seriously ill and maybe this is going to be her last christmas. Cuddy feels sad about that, she likes this young girl. She got a little place in her heart over the last months. She'd maybe miss her. She's so young and she should have her whole life in front of her, but sometimes it turns out in a different way and you've to take it like this, because you can't change it. You're not god, you can't change it, but you can make it better and do you best until the very end.

She collects her thoughts and enters the room.

„Hello Jess" she says with a smile and the young girl looks up from the picture she draws.

„Hey Dr. Cuddy" she says and her face brights with a smile.

Cuddy sits down on the bed beside her.

„How are you doing?"  
„I'm fine" she says looking up to her with a smile. „Brenda gave me those nice crayons and she allowed me to stay awake a bit longer" she whispers to Cuddy. „But don't tell the others, because Brenda said that they all want to be awake longer then."  
„I won't tell anyone" Cuddy whispers back. „I promise."

„Okay."

„That's a nice picture," she says. She could see a christmas tree, snow and stars at the top of the picture. Little presents under the christmas tree and her name was written across the rest of the free space.

„Thank you. You can have it, It's for you" the girl says and handles her the picture.

„That's nice, thank you." she answers and gives the girl a little hug.

„You like chocolate?" Lisa asks.

„You have some?"

„Of course I have" she says and takes it out of her coat.

„But I already brushed my theeth!" the young girl said.

Cuddy laughed and whispers.

„We won't tell anyone. Tonight it's okay."  
„Okay" she whispers back and takes the chocolate Cuddy handles her.

He pickep up his things from the office and doesn't leave on the direct way. He saw that Cuddy's jacket is still in her office and that means that she's still somewhere inside the hospital. He walks through the hall and his intuition leads him to the paediatric ward and soon she saw her in a patients room, sitting on the bed, laughing.

He watches her for a few minutes before he slowly opens the door and walks in.

„Good evening girls" he says while entering and by this time Cuddy looked really surprised.

„Hey" the girl say, not really knowing who he is.

„What are you doing here?" she asks surprised but still smiling.

„I was on my way home and then I walked by and saw you in here and I think it would be nice to say „hello"" he says. „Of course I can go if you two wanna be alone."

„No, it's okay." Lisa says. „You think it's okay that he's here?" she asks addressing Jess.

„I don't mind if he stays" she anwers to Cuddy.

„It's okay" she says again.

He sits down on the other side of the bed.

„So girl, my name is Greg, will you tell me your name?"

„My name is Jess. Do you want some chocolate Greg?" she asks him, holding out the one she got from Cuddy.  
„No, thanks. I've already had enough today."

Lisa watched him since he entered the room and she has to say that she was really surprised. She expected veryone but not him. She watches him with a smile while he talks to Jessalyn. He seems to be so nice and he really seems to care and for once she could say that he looks happy. No sign of the sinewy, annoying House. Not a single one.

He knows that she looks at him but she didn't notice that he was looking at her now. They made eye contact and she looks to the ground and feels her cheeks blushing a bit.

They laughed a lot together and every once in a while she could see from the corner of her eye that he watches her and she does the same.

„You know what?" Jess asks House in a low voice.

„No, tell me!"

„Dr. Cuddy gave me chocolate although I already brushed my teeth! But don't tell Brenda."  
„That was really nice of Dr. Cuddy and I won't tell it anyone but you've to promise not to do it that often."  
„Nah, I won't..."

After another while, nurse Brenda opens the door.

„What's going on in her? I knew I heard voices in."

„We just had a little pre-christmas meeting" House explains and all three of them try to look innocent.

„I see and that's really nice but I've to throw you out doctors. She needs her sleep and you can come back tomorrow morning."

„All right" Cuddy says and gives the young girl a hug. „Have a good night then."

„Thank you" she answers and House waves at her, leaving the room after Cuddy.

She still smiles and says:

„I didn't expext you to come over."

„Me too, but I changed my mind."

„It was nice of you." She says. „Who told you that I'm there?"

„No one, I just felt like walking this way and I saw you in there."

Soon, they're walking towards her office and he didn't notice it. He still sees the look in her eyes, the smile that plays around them.

„It was nice of you to show up there" he tells her.

„Thanks" she says in a low voive with a shy smile.

She enters her office and lets the lights off, she stands at her desk, maybe looking for something.

He walks inside, close to her and she doesn't notice until she turns around. She wants to say something, but when she looks up in his eyes, everything is gone.

His blue eyes are shining in the dark room and she could see only parts of his face because of the shadows and her eyes hadn't get used to the dark up to now. All she could see is the loving and comforting look on his face, the love in his eyes.

He raises his hand and wipes a few hairs out of her face and she closes her eyes the second his hand touched her skin. It feels so warm and he leans down a bit to reach her lips and places a light kiss on her lips. She opens her mouth a bit and feels his tongue sliding inside and she gives in soft.

Their eyes are closed and she lays her hands around his neck and has to stand on her tiptoes, because she's too small and he lays his hands around her waist to hold her close. She moans soft..

She feels dizzy and couldn't decide if it's because of the lack of oxygen in this moment or because of him. Maybe a part of both, but she needs him now.

Moments later, he breaks the kiss and she tries to breath calm.

„I wish you a merry christmas..." he whispers smiling.

„I wish you to a merry christmas" she replies and smiles also and looks in his icy-blue eyes.

He leans forward to give her another kiss and says: „Your small" and she laughs.

„I think I can do something about this" she answers and sits down on her desk, laying her arms around him. „Is that better?"  
„It's perfect" he answers and leans into another long kiss which became more passionate with every second.

It seemed like hours when they got apart and she sees that the major lights were switched off outside, it must be late.

„I think we should go" she says with a soft voice. „It's getting uncomfortable here."

She stands up from her desk without waiting and leaves her office.

„That's right" he answers. Outside of her office, they just walk side by side and she couldn't avoid to smile.

As they walk into the entrance hall, they see nurses sitting there and she knows that there will be rumours soon. They wished them a good night and a merry christmas and leave the hospital. Together...


	10. Silent night

Chapter Ten - Silent night

Of course there will be rumours tomorrow morning. As soon as they were outside, they all started talking. The nurses working on the morning shift told them that she saw them coming in together and that's something really unusual and they weren't even fighting or something else.

They all noticed that it was very quiet today, hardly no arguments on the floor, no angry Cuddy who calls them to ask for House and they saw House in clinic without being forced.

Yes, they all knew that there was something. Or at least, they _think_ to know something.

Brenda told them that she saw them together in a patients room and they loooked very peaceful and they were both smiling.

That must be before Lynda saw them walking through the hall together later in the evening she'd already wondered about seeing them together again and seemed to be peaceful, both! Maybe it's because of christmas, but they were smiling at each other in a different way.

And then, she saw them walking up into her office and she heard no screams and yellings at it took them a lot of time to come out again and the look on her face was unmistakeable.

Yes, Lynda seems to know it all and she smiles to herself not to the imagination of them having a relationship but more to the fact that she would tell it the others in the morning and then it'll spread through the hospital within seconds.

„You mind taking my car?" he asks and she's surprised for a second.

„No, sure it's great" she says and waits until he unlocked it to take seat at the passengers site.

She leans back with closed eyes and laughs, she doesn't even care where he takes her if she's with him.

He looks at her while he drives across the Street to his home and smiles. She looks so beautiful and this is probably the most wonderful christmas he ever had. Sure, the evenings he spent with Wilson were nice, but with her, it's special.

„There we are" he says and stops the car. They kept sitting in the car for a few seconds and he asks:  
„Are you okay?"  
„I've never been better," she answers and they get out of the car into the cold christmas night. She follows him up to his apartment and remembers the last time she's been there. It must be years ago she thinks and it had been a mess and it was maybe a short time after Stacy left.

He starts to open the door and he says:"I'm sorry, it doesn't look much like christmas... I don't like all that stuff!"

She steps in and all she sees is a clean, tidied up apartment. His Piano standing on the other side of the room and she sees small lights standing close to the window, one on the table and his Piano and it's wonderful. She loves it.

„It's great..."

„You think so?"

„Too much is bad and this is wonderful."

He takes her jacket and puts it aside.

„Have a seat wherever you want. You want something to drink?"

„Yes, that would be nice" she says and follows him into the kitchen. She doesn't want to sit now.

„Well, I got beer, water and wine." he says.

„Wine is nice" she says.  
„I think so" he answers and she takes the two glasses he handles her and places them on the counter in front of her.

„You mind...?" he asks, handling her the bottle also.

„Of course not" Cuddy says and takes the bottle to fill the glasses.

„I don't know what to think about it, but I'm hungry. The last time I ate was around afternoon."

„So you're not the only one."  
„What do you wanna eat?" he asks her and turns around, standing close to her and she didn't even mind to get out of the way.

„I don't care, something easy and quick. You got pasta?"  
„Sure. So we'll have pasta for Diner, that's great."

„How can I help you?" she asks and handles him the glass of wine and takes a sip.

„You're not doing anything, I'll do it tonight. No discussions now."  
„I wouldn't even think about it" Lisa says in a low voice with a smile.

She sits on the counter, with legs crossed and the glass of wine in her hands and watches him cooking diner.  
No one would ever believe this if she would tell it someone. She almost couldn't believe it by herself. At first it felt unbelieveable, like a blurred dream and then it got more colours with every day and now it's vivid. She's not in a dream anymore. Her dream is about to become true slowly.

She watches him in silence, looks at his hands, and his face and it feels like she meets a new person. Someone she meets for the very first time. He's suddenly so different. He almost appears to be a gentleman and she loves that. She loves him more with every moment that passes by.

Greg knows that she's watching him and it makes him a bit nervous and he couldn't understand that.

He hardly gets nervous, not in front of her, but this is not the person he meets at work every day. Not the one he fights with, not the one who yells at him, because he annoyed her or fucked up something. She's not stressed because of work, now she's someone else.

She's relaxed and looks happy and no one would come between them, whatever will happen. No ducklings who want something, no patients or damn calls and he can't runaway so easily, because it's his home. Or of course he could, but he doesn't want to.

Not with Lisa Cuddy at home. She looks so beautiful and knows that she's teasing him and she really enjoys this. Sitting there with her legs crossed and her black skirt that apparently slide a bit higher and still she didn't move an inch to let him walk by just to feel his body close to her own and he doesn't even bother about this.

„So, it'll be ready soon" he says and drinks some wine.

„I'll lay the table" she says. He showed her where to find the plates and crockers and she wents into the living room to lay the table and suddenly she couldn't decide whether to sit beside each other or in front of each other. It took her a short time to take the decision and so she puts the plates in front of each other, this would make the evening a bit more exciting she thinks and smiles to herself.

She so wants to kiss him right now, but it would be more fun to wait a bit and she likes to play this game that's so different from her usual ones and she's sure as hell that he'll give in.

Everything looks perfect she thinks and places the candle standing there almost in the middle. She really liked the atmosphere in here since she stepped inside. The light is dimmed and the brightest one comes out of the kitchen.

She takes a deep breath and walks back in the kitchen where everything seems to be finished.

„I take these" she says and brings their plates to the table, followed by the glasses and of course the rest of the bottle.

They sit down and start to eat and then he asks: „You like it?"  
„It tastes wonderful!"  
„Thanks, I tried my best... thanks to my mum."  
„Never thought you could cooking..."

„Prejudices..." he says and she laughs by the look on his face.

„Sorry..." she says still laughing and looking on her plate.

„It's okay... should I be true? This is the only thing I can cook!"

She raises her head and looks in his eyes and she sees that he's smiling.

„Really?  
„No" he answers.

„But I this would be the only on, it's perfect though."

„I aprreciate that" he answers and they fall back in silence, eating and enjoying the presence of each other, watching at each other short with shy glances until their eyes finally meet.

She takes another sip of wine and she could feel that this wasn't her first one, when she noticed him watching her. And so she does with a smile and you could almost feel the tension between them.

He would love to stand up and kiss her right now but he noticed what she did and he gives in with pleasure.

„You think someone's ever going to believe this?" he asks in a low voice not breaking the eye contact.

„No, not until do." she whispers. „Do you think so?"

„I think they won't not in the first time, they'll think we're kidding them and they won't really belive what's going on."  
„And what is going on?" she asks and knows exactly what's going on.

„What do you want?" he asks her.

„Find out" she whispers back and he smiles.

After another while she asks:  
„You still wanna eat something?"

„No, you?"  
„No, that was enough, thanks."

Minutes later, she's sitting on the counter again and dries the plates he gives her and when she stands up to put them back where they belong, she's standing close to him again. Slowly, she lays her head on his back and he turns around, their faces touching ech other and he whispers:  
„I already figured it..."  
„Then show me..." she answers and he walks out of the room. She stays there a few seconds, closing her eyes while she tries to realize _what_ was going on and leaves the kitchen when she hears him playing the piano.

He watches her walking in while he plays a song she can't remember and when she sits down on the sofa beside him, and listens to his wonderful play, outside it's snowing heavily.

She's completly lost in her thoughts when she hears him playing _silent night_ and she feels really sentimental. She already loved this song when she was a child, it has something familiar and it makes her weak and he knows this too.

She puts her glass on the piano and he turns around to see her coming nearer and she reaches out to lay a hand in his neck to pull him closer and kisses him finally.

He gives in immediately and leans forward to join her on the sofa. She sits on his legs, careful not to hurt his bad one but he wouldn't even care about that now and their bodies are becoming one slowly while they share long, passionate kisses. She frowns for a moment when she feels his cold hands on her naked skin on her back and a gooseflesh spreads on her body fast.

She cups his face with both hands and looks in his eyes before kissing him one more and he loves the feeling of her weight pressing him into the sofa. She moans soft when he starts to kiss her neck

and she pulls of his shirt and throws it to the side.

Their bodies fit together perfectly when they lay down and she closes her eyes when he begins to kiss her neck down to her sternum, opening her blouse slowly, one hand resting on her waist.

„Just to make it clear, I won't carry you to the bedroom..." he says and she starts to laugh.

„I know where it..." she says in a seductive low voice and starts to walk to the bedroom slowly, her blouse landing on the floor while she's walking...


	11. Thinking

**I'm sorry because of the late update and that it's so short, but I'm really stressed at the moment and I tried my best. Please don't pay attention on the grammar errors, I'll correct them latter, no time now! Hope ya like it!**

Chapter eleven - Thinking

She wakes up early in the morning, it's still dark outside and it looks like everything was covered with snow by now. The bright light still shines through the window and before she could look at a clock, everything comes back to her mind and she sees him sleeping beside her.

She closes her eyes and still feels his soft kisses on her skin and her lips. The gentle touches, his warm breath so close to her. The feeling of being so close to him was and is the best thing that probably ever happened to her.

She breathes slowly and rolls to the side. The blankets that cover her naked body smelled like him and so she does, but she likes this.

She lays her head down on her arm and watches him sleeping. So calm and she sees his body moving slowly und his breaths and suddenly she feels the need to touch him.

Her hand caresses his cheek and he seems to wake up but his eyes remain shut and she leans forward to place a kiss on his lips and before she could close the distance between them, he lays his arms around her and and pulls her on the top of him.

„Hey..." she says surprised and laughs short before he lays his hand in her neck and kisses her.

A lot of silent kisses later, she lays her head on his bare chest and closes her eyes, listening to the silent sound of his pounding heart, his hand rests on her shoulder.

„How long did you watch me?" he asks.

„Not long enough" she answers and raises her head to face him.

„You should sleep a bit"

„You want to get rid of me?"  
„Of course not, but we've to work later and I don't want you to be tired, because I kept you awake all night."  
„I like the way you kept me away from sleeping..." she whispers.

„Me too," he answers and she lays down beside him. Their naked bodies are touching and he closes his eyes and enjoys the wonderful feeling.

The feeling of being loved and not alone anymore or for the moment and the feeling that he's about to become someone new and the feeling that the love of his life sleeps beside him at this moment.

Later this morning, the clock shows an acceptable time to stand up, she awakes in a warm bed, his bed. It's empty on the other side of the bed and she hears noises from outside.

For Lisa Cuddy, the morning couldn't be better. A few weeks ago, she would've never dreamed about this and now, she wakes up in his bed, naked on a christmas morning. One of those she never really liked, because she was alone.

The first time they met is now years ago and the first thing she thought was that she hates him and she couldn't even imagine how she should work with someone like him. She was a bit afraid if that would work out properly and if she xoulf handle him, because she's the boss and soon she noticed that he didn't care whether she's the boss or not.

She got used to him and all their fights over the years and once she accepted him as an asshole, she'd been able to see through the wall he built around himself and she'd fallen in love with him and this love never stopped growing.

She thought that this couldn't be, because it's him and she's the boss and so she has to say that she was an asshole too. Yes, she sometimes treated him bad to keep the distance.

In her lonely moments, she thought about him and his blue eyes, the way he smiles while he annoyes her and she called herself crazy, but she liked this imagination more with every day she knows him and now she loves it...

He couldn't sleep anymore and felt like he has to do something. He made some coffee and ate a bit and thought about playing the piano but he didn't want to wake her up, not until it's time to.

In the silence of the kitchen, he thought about a lot of things, but somehow, they all ended up with Cuddy. The first time they met was in her office a long time ago. She was already dan of medicine, sitting behind her desk, wearing a black shirt and her white coat, her hairs were open. He remembers it like it happened yesterday.

He stepped in without knocking on the door and told her that he's Gregory House and they would work together the next years and sits down on the chair in front of her. He could say that she wasn't pretty amused about his first appearance, depending on the look on her face, and this hadn' probably changed so fast.

In front of him, he saw beautiful woman who must have been in almost the same age like him. Self-confident and knowing what she wants. A hard working person, that's what he could say otherwise she wouldn't have been dean of medicine in her age.

He heard a few things ans that she seems to be a great doctor, but he never told her so. She impressed him a lot and it was clear to him that the next years won't be easy, but not that bad, because she wouldn't let him doing what he want.

Through the years, he accepted her, but never showed thid. Lisa Cuddy was a wonderful woman, a woman he fell in love with years ago. He never told her so, because he was too proud and he don't wanted it, because it was her and she was his boss and not sure what she felt for him.

Now, he finds this ridiculous and he wishes that he could turn back the time. Not a certain point, but earlier to tell her the truth...

He stands beside the counter in the kitchen, reading a magazine when he has to think about a party they had from work also years ago. He didn't remember much, because he drank a lot, but what he knows is that he was alone outside with Cuddy and she was as drunk as him. It was dark and they were sitting close to beside each other and they laughed. For once in their lifetime, they'd laughed together, intoxicated. That was all he knew, not what happened to them. They never talked about this, maybe because she didn't know as much as he does about this evening. He's dying to know whether they kissed or not. He couldn't say that they did and he also couldn't say that they didn't.

Now, he wishes that they did. Well, they would've been drunk, but they did and they had no other chance than talking about it and maybe they hadn't wasted so much time then.

He didn't notice Lisa coming into the kitchen, wearing his shirt.

„Needed something quick to wear..." she says and embraces him.

„Looks great" he answers. „You want coffee?"  
„That would be great" she says and takes the cup he handles him.

„Aren't you feeling cold?"

„No, not really." she lays down on the couch, he sits down at the end, with her feeds on his legs, throwing a rug on her legs.

Minutes of silence passed by before House asks: „What are you thinking about?"

„I'm not thinking about something" she answers.

„Come one, of course you do. What's it?"

„I'm thinking about work..." she just says and he knows what she means. „I don't know how to behave now, I don't want them all to know at the beginning..."

„I know what you mean, but I'm pretty sure they're all talking about us having a relationship."

„Why do you think so?"  
„I heard something..." he says with a grin.

„Tell me" she begs him. „What did you hear?"

„The only think I heard that they were all talking about us having a relationship, or just having sex. Don't look at me, I never told them anything and that was months ago. They probably needed something to talk about."  
„Yeah I think so. Now they have a reason," Cuddy says. „But I think it shouldn't be that obvious, you know what I mean?"

„Yes, I think I do. And how should I do that?"  
„Just do what you ever did before."  
„And that would be?"  
„Treat your patients, do your clinic hours and order some test, but I can't say if I'll allow you to do them."  
„In the end I'll do them without your permission."

„Hey!" she says and sits up to hit him on the arm.

„You said I should behave as usual!"  
„But that still doesn't mean that you should do everything you want!" she says and laughs.

„Will you order me to clinic?"  
„Yes," she answers, not looking at him but smiling.

„That's mean!"  
„It's your duty and in the past I had to yell at you to go to clinic several times a day and suddenly you don't have to go anymore? That's a bit too obvious..."

„Damn!"  
„You'll get trough it."

„What about screaming?" he asks just for fun, but nor serious.

„You can do, but only if you kiss me afterwards."  
„That's good" he answers and kisses her.

She took a shower and they spend the rest of the time on the couch, talking about different things and even christmas until it's time to leave for work...


	12. A usual day

**I didn't forget you, but my internet wasn't working again and finally I got a new and faster one. Well, my time without net had one good think! I had time to write... :)**

Chapter twelve – A usual day...

Before they go to work, she stopped at her House to change her clothes. He waits for her, and again they come to work together, not thinking about it or the fact that someone else could notice it. There's not as much staff as usual, because of christmas and so there are also less patients.

The ducklings have to work also and they're already waiting for House to arrive at work. He left Cuddy in her office and steps into his own, faces his assistants.

„Good morning" he says and notices the candy on the table. It's christmas morning!

„You're right on time!" Cameron says. „What the hell happened to you?"

„Are you controlling me?"

„You're always late!"

„Then make a red cross into your calendar which says that I was on time on christmas morning", he tells her and sits down. She doesn't say anything anymore.

„Any plans for today?" Foreman asks him.

„Working" he simply answers.

„In mean in the evening!"

„I don't know, maybe..." he answers.  
They'd also heard the rumours going around and of course they're curious.

„You have a date?" Foreman asks.

„None of your business! Why do you wanna know this?"

„I'm just curious!"  
„I see... You got no patient?"

„Nope, not yet."

„There was a little girl, her name is Angela. Suffers from cancer. She got temperature last night. The doctors took care of it and now she seems to be okay," Cameron explains.

The moment he heard the young girls name, he sat straight up in his chair. He knew this girl, he visited her yesterday evening and Cuddy was also there.

Does she know that she's not doing fine? He thinks about telling her, because she really likes her.

„Okay, maybe I'll check on her later again."

„But she's not our patient anymore. We just had a look on her until the others came..."

„Why did you tell me then?"

„Because she was our patient when you weren't there" Cameron says, stressing the word „was".

„Why do you care that much about who I'll see?"

„Because you never check on patients if you don't have to!"

„I have to, she had temperature" he answers and starts to think about bothering her, because she really bothers him also this morning.

„It appears that you don't want to understand me" she says and sounds pissed.

„Maybe..." he says and leans back in his chair in a very relayed way.  
„Are you kidding me?"

„Yes! Because it's also none of your business. You don't have to care about how many patients I'll see, if I have to or not. I am a doctor, head of diagnostician if you missed it, and I can see everyone I want in the hospital! So stop thinking of my things because you have to do enough on your own and you have to do what I want you to do!" he tells her with a grin on his face and she doesn't look pleased.

„Check the clinic before you'll make your second check on the surgery" he orders her. „Now!"

She stands up and opens the door.

„Oh, and Dr. Cameron?"  
„What?"

„A merry christmas to you" House says and she slamms the door, leaving without saying anything.

„Anyone else who wants to piss my of?" he asks, looking at the others.

„Nope" Chase answers.

„No reason for once" Foreman adds.

„Good," House says and waits a bit before he goes on.

„What the hell is going on with her?" he asks, addressing his left assistants.

„No idea", Foreman says and Chase shakes his head and they both know that there might be a reason.

„Page me if something happens" he says, stands up and leaves. Before he visits Wilson, he has to see the little girl. He arrives on the ward soon and reads the file which was put in the box beside the door.

She got high temperature in the night and they gave her medicine to drown the pain and lower the fever.

For a short moment, he thinks about his vicodin and drops this hought as fast as it came.

He puts the file back and looks at her through the window. She sleeps and looks pale, with red spots on her cheeks due to the fever.

After a while, he walks back to see Wilson. Not very nice to start a working day with an argument and a little girl he worries about. He doesn't care a lot about Cameron, but about Angela. He couldn't say why he does it, because of Cuddy or because he really cares now? Or both?

He reaches Wilsons office and enters, without knocking and sits down in front of him. He looks up from his paperwork and starts to speak:  
„Nice of you to show up. Hows you?"  
„Pretty good, Cameron pissed me up and I ordered her to clinic..."  
„What did she do?"

„She was jsut getting on my nerves and bothers about things that are not her business..."

„Actually not her manner..."  
„She'll get through it."  
„What did you do yesterday evening?" Wilson wants to know. „I heard that you left with Cuddy."  
„Is that forbidden?"

„No... it's just..."

„What?"

„It's okay. It's just that you never left together and now..."  
„I changed my mind."

„What's going on with you?" Wilson wants to know and looks interested now. „And Cuddy?"  
„Nothing... we just left work together!"

„If you say so..."

„I do" House replies and tries not to smile like Wilson does.

„Any plans for tonight?"  
„No, not up to now. You?"  
„I'm thinking about having dinner, you wanna join?"

„Who else is coming?"  
„Don't know, I wanna ask Cuddy later. What about the ducklings? Let's just have a little christmas party. It'll be something different, not the same as usual."

„Sounds good, and where?"  
„What about the restaurant close to the PPHT? It's good!"  
„Okay. Around eight?"

„Sure, why not. And you're sure that there's nothing you wanna tell me?"  
„You sound like my Mum."

„I can life with that, so?"

„No, nothing."

„Good, I'll see you tonight."  
„Till then..." House says and stands up to visit the next office.

He enters Cuddy's office and sits down also.  
„Hey boss," he says and smiles.

She watches him and replies the smile.

„How can I help you?" she wants to know.

„I don't know, there are ways..."

„House!" she replies and laughs.

„You heard from the dinner? Wilson asked my a few minutes ago."  
„No."  
„He asked me if I wanna join him, he wants to ask you too. What do you say?"  
„Why not, sounds good."

„And we won't tell them?"  
„No, not tonight" she answers smiling. „Why are you not in clinic?"  
„Cameron is."  
„She's not the one who has to do it!"  
„But she was nervy this morning and I'm her boss."

„_I am _the boss."

„Go back to clinic and give her something else to do."

„Okay, okay..." he answers and thinks about Angela, but drops it again.

„See you soon..." she asks before he leaves.

Down in clinic he sees Cameron talking to a patient and walks in.

„Go to the lab and join the others."

„What? Are you serious?"  
„Go or I'll change my mind."

She doesn't wait or asks another question and leaves the clinic. What's going on with him?

The others turned around when she enters the lab.

„I thought you've to work in clinic?"  
„He came and said I should go before he changes his mind!"

„He came down to clinic on his own?"  
„Seemed so and he didn't even sound pissed!"

„Weird..." Foreman says. „What the hell was going on with you this morning?"  
„Nothing!"  
„That wasn't nothing" Chase says.

„You heard the rumours?" Foreman asks.

„We did too and let me guess you're anxious although you don't know if there's something true about this."

„I'm not anxious! Why should I?"  
„That's what we're asking you" Chase says. „You really act like you are. Forget about it, you'll make it too complicated and there's no chance for you, you'll just upset him and this won't be good for you."

„Who says that I want something from _him! _He's House and he's my boss and I absolutely don't want him!" she answers and sounds angry.

„Sure..." Chase says and shakes his head. Minutes later, he starts to laugh.

„What?" Cameron wants to know and sounds upset. „Nothing..." he says with a look at Foreman who also seems to understand.

The day passed by and it's half past six when House looks at his watch. He hasn't seen Cuddy or Wilson the whole time, he spent his day in clinic almost all the time and wonders a bit about himself. He wasn't in the mood to meet his assistants and they seemed to be pretty occupied without him so why bothering with them? He didn't even think about avoiding clinic, because he didn't want to argue with her, not today and not tonight. Although, it would be more obviously at dinner _not _to argue with her and he wonders if anyone noticed how peaceful they're acting with each other, he thinks that this will going to happen, but not at this day. Beside the already existing rumours, there aren't a lot of poeple in the hospital who could notice and in some way, he's glad about that.

„I wish you a nice evening" he says to the nurse, standing at the reception desk.

The nurse named Amy looked up, looking a bit surprised as if she asks herself if he really said what she heard a few seconds ago.

„Oh... thanks. I wish you too a good evening, Dr. House," she answers and leaves. Maybe there is something about the rumours going on, she thinks. He seemed to change. He was in clinic all the time and hardly complained and he never greets the nurses except to give them unfriendly orders. He goes to his office to get his things, he would go home and change into other clothes before going to the restaurant and wants to see Lisa before he leaves, but when he reaches her office, it's dark but he could see a white paper at the front of her desk. There's something on it that looked like a message, he recognises her handwriting.

He steps in and takes the message:

„_See you around eight, I'll wait in front of the restaurant. Don't meet the others before..."_


	13. Dinner Time

Chapter thirteen – Dinner time

He drove home fast, her message still with him.

„_Don't meet the others before..."_ it says. Now he's curious and he doesn't want to be late. Once again, he thinks about his day at the hospital. It might have looked weird that he was in clinic all the time and he still thinks about Camerons behaviour in the morning. She never acts like this, she's always calm and nice and never says a word and now, she did this. He remembers one scene where she was insolent with Cuddy and he sometimes thinks that she just did it to impress him and to be true, it wasn't clear to him what she wanted to reach with this behaviour. She just pissed off Cuddy, and him and that isn't very good for her, he thinks.

He changed into another pair of jeans and a dark grey shirt, still wearing his sneakers and he doesn't want to change them. He takes his jacket and another warmer one to wear on his way to the car and the restaurant. He always forgets that it's winter now and that this could be a bit too less to wear.

When it was time, he leaves his appartement and makes his way to the hospital.

Cuddy is still at home, thinking about something to wear and as usual in this moments, she doesn't seem to have something nice to wear and all her clothes are bad and not fitting, although she knows that there are enough clothes inside her wardrobe and it would probably take her another hour to find something that looks good if she wasn't in a hurry. She left a note in her office and hopes that he found it. She has to see him before they would spent the whole evening with friends and colleaugues and the decided not to say a single word up to now, so she has to meet him. Finally, she takes a black dress that ends on her knees, with long, tight sleeves, left open on her dekollete so that it's not too moch nor less. It fits perfectly.

She steps into her bathroom, hesitating for a moment, because there were pictures of the past coming back to her mind, fast. She was sitting on the bathtub alone in the night. Waiting for the pregnancy-test to show her the truth and again, it had refused. She feels pain spreading in her chest and she closes her eyes for a moment, trying to think of something else. She takes a few deep breaths, walking and facing herself in the mirror. She put a light make-up on and wears her hair in a ponytail and when she watches herself in the mirror, she thinks that she can't remember a time when she did this. She doesn't want to wear her hair open, she wants something new and now she got it. She hasn't even time to change it anymore, because her watch told her that it's already 7:45 pm and she's to hurry up if she wants to walk to the restaurant, thank god it's not that far away from her home.

Outside, there's snow again and she's glad that she decided to take the long coat, otherwise she would freeze.

After a short walk, she reaches the restaurant and waits in front of it. Not directly in front of it, because she saw some of the others through the glass front and they'd maybe see her and ask why she's not coming in, so she waits a bit more aside with a few shadows, there's just a little light coming from inside where she stands. It's cold and she realizes with pleasure that he's right on time and she smiles when she sees him walking across the road.

At first he looks to the front of the restaurant, but then he says her standing on the left side. She steps a bit forward so that he could see her better and he reaches her with fast steps, paying attention not to fall on the icy street which is not that easy with a cane, but he managed not to fall.

Maybe something happened that she has to tell him, he thinks. Now, he stands just a few centimeters away and looks in her smiling face and he couldn't help but reply this smile and before he's able to say something, she lays his arms around his neck and kisses him soft, steping back into the shadows. He gives in without any questions and enjoys the feeling of holding her so close, the day was long and they didn't even fight so he was hardly in her office and it seems that she's much to do so he didn't see her.

She missed the feeling of his warm lips the whole day and she would love to go home to have him just for herself, to hold him and kiss him and to talk to him. To listen to his voice with closed eyes while he tells her something. This is what she wants in exactly this moment, but she promised to come, he did too.

„You changed your hair..." he says, looking at her and wipes a few hairs out od her face on the site.

„You like it?" she asks, looking up to, on hand on his cheek.

„You're beautiful" he answers and gives her another long kiss.

„We should go in now," Lisa says after a while.

„You think so?" he asks with a smile.

„Yes, I think so. Come on, we don't have to be the last ones to show up."  
„You're right, so let's go."  
„And we're not telling them anything?" She wants to know, because it could be hard to hide.

„No, not tonight..."

„But they'll maybe notice it."  
„Then they should. We'll give them something to talk then."  
Cuddy kisses him one last time before they enter the restaurant, a waiter comes and takes their jackets and they walk to the table, close to the window where Wilson already sits with a woman and a man. House doesn't know him, he must be a friend of Wilson.

He stands up to welcome them and House remembers the woman as nurse he wished a merry Christmas before he left work earlier.

„Hey" House says to Wilson. Before he goes to Cuddy.

„Good evening," House says to the woman. „I remembered you! Aren't you the one I wished a nice evening tonight?" he asks her and sits down beside Wilson. Cuddy sits down beside the nurse on the other side.

„Yes, it was me... and I was surprised, but thanks."

„You were surprised? But why?" he wants to know.

It seems that she hesitates a bit and Cuddy tells him what she's about to say.

„Because you probably never did. You're not always that nice with my nurses!" She says and tries to be serious, but smiles.

„That's exactly what I wanted to say."

„I know, I'm sorry."

„Really?"

„Yes..."  
„He's been pretty calm the last time" Wilson throws in.

„I try my best,"House says.

„There must be something..."Wilson starts.

„I just try my best, I said so" he says again and this time he looks to Lisa and he sees her smiling short.

„You know my name?" the woman asks him with a laugh and looks at the others, they're not saying anything.

He leans his chin on his hand and tries to think about her name.

„I'm working in this hospital since four years" she begins and plays with the straw in her drink. She seems to think this is funny and the others do also.

Now, he lays his face in his hand and laughs.  
„You got me! I give up!" he finally says.

„My name is Amy." she says and House stands up and holds out his hand, waiting for her to take it and says."Good evening Amy, my name is Gregory House."

The others laughed while he sits down again.

„I thought you said eight." Cuddy says to Wilson. „Where are the others? And who else is coming?"

„I don't know, maybe they've trouble in coming here, because of the icy streets. Foreman wants to come with Chase and I also ask Cameron. Lydia and Sylvi promised to come to."  
„And Dr. Johnson from neurosurgery told me this afternoon that he'll show up after his shift," Amy says.

„You think we should wait with the meal?" Wilson asks.

„Sure," House answers.

„If they won't arrive too late," Cuddy says. „I'm starving."

„You can eat the bread" House says and passes her the little plate with the bread. „Before you starve, wouldn't be nice, right?" he says, winking at her.

„Thank you very much, Greg," he says and smiles at him and there's silence for a few seconds, where he just looks back.

The silence would have lasted longer if the three ducklings hadn't arrived and the stopped the eye contact fast and act like there was nothing, but Wilson also notices this...

With the time, they all arrived and it's a nice evening. Cameron sits at the other end on the table and he's glad about this, what he doesn't like is that Cuddy's sitting too far away, but it's also interesting. They all laugh a lot and talk and it's just fun. They don't wanted to make it too obvious, but they tried not to do, the more the others noticed. Especially Wilson likes to look at them, because hes's pretty sure that there _is_ something going on. There are reasons for his change and he knows that he once told him that he loves Cuddy and if she knows this, she doesn't really refuse this. Every once in a while, they send each other short looks. Everytime, their eyes met, she smiles and looks on her plate not to show it to the others. At some moments, they keep eye contact and then she thinks about saying something, because she doesn't know what. She talked to him a couple of times, but just the usual things and she tries to talk to him as normal as possible and he tries the same.

On this evening, he wants to be close to her. He wants to kiss her or even have her sitting beside him, but the distance is also a nice thing to play with. They like to play and they both know how this game ended up and no one complains about this.

The time passes by and it's getting late and they still have lots of fun. They ordered drinks and changed the seats from time to time. Lisa talks to Lynda and Amy, sitting on the window-sill to face them better while speaking. Wilson stands on the porch, talking on the phone and House wants to talk to him. He walks towards her.

„Hey ladies," he says and Cuddy takes a step forwards to let him walk by and he lays a hand on her waist, slowly when he passes her. She turns her head to face him and he smiles, before he let's her back with the other woman. She turns back to them, talking like nothing happened.

The two nurses look at each other, because they saw what happened. House touches her from time to time, but mostly to bother her and now she doesn't say a single word and his touch was different. It was softer...

He steps out on the porch and stands beside Wilson.

„Everything's alright?" House asks him.

„Sure, why not?"  
„I just saw you talking on the phone so I thought there's something going on."

„No, thanks. It's alright. But what's going on with you?"he turns his head to look at him.  
„What do you mean?" he asks, also facing him

„You know exactly what I mean. I noticed the way you look at her the whole evening..."

House doesn't answer, but grins short. He doesn't need to say anything, Wilson understood him immediately and grins also. Minutes of silence passed by before they start to speak again.

„So, what's going on? I wanna know it."

„There's not much to know."

„Come on, you can't tell me this!"

„Remember when I told you about the kiss?"  
„Yes, I do."  
„We just talked about it and it's okay." He told Cuddy not to say anything, but now it seems to be very difficult to get out of this conversation with him. Not until he found out the truth.

„You just talked?"

„Yes... we talked. Remember our conversation where I told you that I kissed her?"  
„I do."  
„You told me that I should do something before I loose her and I did."

„Wow..." he says. „And you're a couple now?"

„I don't know..."

„What does that mean?"

„I'm not sure. You know she's been gone through so much things in the past and I'm afraid that this is going too fast, I don't wanna hurt her. I want to give her enough time..."

„You won't hurt her if you'll be there for her."

„Hell, I know that but sometimes I'm afraid that I'll do something wrong and I wouldn't stand loosing her! That's all so difficult."

„I never thought that I'd give you some advices in having a relationship..."

„Me too, and that's not a good idea. There must be a reason that you're divorced three times!"

They both laughed and Wilson goes on.  
„Okay, okay. That's probably right. But I'm trying my best."

„Thank you."

„It was so calm at work today. I always wished that you growed up a bit, but I think I'll miss something!"

„I think I had to."  
„What?"

„Grow up."  
„Oh, right. That's a great realization."

„I'm serious."

„I know."

There's silence again and suddenly he starts to talk about Stacy. He never did it on his own in the past, but know it's maybe time for him to do.

„After Stacy left, I never thought I could love someone again like I do now. I don't wanted to love someone, because I was afraid. I don't thought that I would be able to get through such a disappoint again. I don't even think that I love her as much as I love Lisa,", he pauses and Wilson doesn't interrupt him, he just listens.

„I became mean, I know that. I sometimes wanted to change, I didn't like that either but it was probably the only way to get through. I realized that I needed the change."  
„You got over it?"  
„A long time ago, but I don't wanted to know this."

„It was the time you started to take the vicodin..." Wilson says more to himself.

„Yes" he answers in a low voice. „I needed something to drown the pain."  
„It wasn't your leg, right?"  
„Most of the time, it wasn't. I though that I would never be able to stop taking it and I've to say that it wasn't easy in the beginning, but now it all seems easier."

„With her?"

„Yes, with her."

Both man look into the darkness of the empty streets in front of them.

Wilson feels some kind of proud of his friend. He tried to make him believe a lot of things over the years and he seemed to be so stubborn and now, he realizes everything on his own. Maybe, he needed this to change. Now, he's optimistic that everything will be different in the future.

House feels better now, deep inside of him, he feels free. He lost something big that he carries with him all the time and he finally got rid of it.

„What do you think about going back to the others?" Wilson asks. „It's cold."

„I would say that's a great idea."

Before they turned around to come back in, Lisa left the entrance. A short time ago, she wanted to join the men on the porch to talk to them, but then she heard them talking and she couldn't go outside. She also couldn't go back in. She stood there and listens to his voice. She first felt some kind of guilt. She wanted to go away, thinking that this was unfair, but she couldn't move. The words she heard touched her deep inside and she felt tears in her eyes.

At this moment, she realizes why she loves him so much, she knows why he's the love of her life and she would never let him go. She walked back, because she didn't want him to see her, she needed a few seconds to think about what happened before she walked back to the table.

„You okay?" Lydia asks when she sits down.

„I've never been better", she whispers and looks to the end of the table where he sits.

Around two in the morning, they all start to leave slowly. They're having a short farewell and then they all seem to disappear in different directions. In front of the restaurant, Cuddy takes his hand and without another word, they walk to her home.

Their walk seems to be endlessly and they're both glad when they reach her warm home. It's silent when they walk in and they doesn't bother about switching the light on. She throws her key on the small table standing beside the door and takes out her jacket, like he does.

„I was there" she whispers, his hands around his neck. He could see her face in the darkness and the wonderful blue eyes that shine like diamonds, even in the darkness.

„I was there when you talked to Wilson," she whispers again and looks into his eyes. He raises a hand and caresses he cheek in a gentle way.

„I love you" he whispers and kisses her soft.

„I love you too."


	14. Farewell

**This one was really hard, because I watched House – the episode where he blamed Cuddy because of the young girl and said that it's good that she failed in being a mother because she would be a terrible one – but I tried my best!**

Chapter fourteen – Farewell

She didn't know how long they remained standing in the hall, she just knew that she felt very tired at some point. Now, it was not a question anymore of him to stay and she doesn't need to ask him to stay. He took her hand and leads her to the bedroom slowly. And the only thing she remembers is that he kissed her again before she fell asleep...

The next morning, he wakes up with a still sleeping Cuddy in his arms and he feels too tired to stand up and leave her or the warm bed. He closes his eyes and tries to sleep a bit. They don't have to work today and he won't allow her to do anything that has to do with work, they won't even talk about it.

He must have fallen asleep again, because the next time he opens his eyes, it's not that dark anymore. After a few minutes, listening to her slow breath, she opens her eyes.

„Hey" she says in a low sleepy voice.

„Good morning nice woman" he answers and he kisses him short in return.

„What time is it?"

„I don't know... it's not important now. You don't have to work and I don't have to work and it's cold outside."

„And what should that mean?"

„We're not going anywhere and we won't bother about anything"

„And we're staying here the whole time?"  
„Yes..."  
„Sounds great" she anwers and smiles, laying back in his arms.

So they spent the whole day, laying in bed. Just speaking from time to time and it took them a long time to decide who has to stand up to get something to eat. She finally lost and goes into the kitchen to get something to eat, hoping that there will be something useful to eat. She found some fruits, bread and some other things and it was acceptable. After another period they spent in silence, he asks:  
„How long did you listen yesterday?"  
„The whole time. Are you mad because I did?"  
„No, I'm not. Someday, I would've to tell you in any case. It wouldn't make any difference."

„Was it the first time you talked about...her?" she asks a bit insecure. She knows that it wasn't easy for him and she knew Stacy. The things that happened were bad and she was glad that he was finally able to talk about it.

„Yes, I think it was. I can't remember when I could've talked about her in the past."

„We don't have to talk about it..."

„No, I think it's okay. I'm not bothering with her anymore, she's not a part of my life anymore and she'll never be a part of it again." he says and she smiles at her.

„Oh, and I think Wilson knows it..." he says. „I know we wanted to keep it quiet, but Wilson got me! He just knew it and I couldn't lie!" he explains.

„It's okay." She answers not looking bothered or something else. „I also think that this was a stupid idea. I don't want to keep it quiet anymore, I don't care what the others think." she pauses and laughs.  
„Although, they might probably know it all up to now!"  
„You think so?"  
„I'm sorry" she begins and sits upright. „Wasn't it your hand resting on my waist while you walked by? Of course they saw it, because they were sitting in front of me!"  
„Ohhhh I feel really sorry about this!"  
„Liar."  
He lays his arms around her and pulls her close.

„Okay, I'm not."  
„What do you think will they say when we just walk in the hospital together?"

„We walked in together the last two times..."

„But you didn't hold my hand!"

„That's true. I don't know what they'll say!" he answers and laughs. „But the looks and their faces may be great!"

„That's what I think! They're all talking about it, but they still don't know what's true and what isn't! So they'll be pretty surprised if we show them the truth."

„But then they won't have something to talk about!" Cuddy says.

„They'll always have something to talk, don't worry about this. And I thought you know your nurses!"  
„Don't blame everything and the nurses, the ducklings aren't innocent."  
They're already in full conversation when he notices that he doesn't want to talk about the hospital or something that has to do with it, but that seems to be impossible and now he doesn't bother about it anymore.

„That's true."

They talked about everything that comes to their minds between a lot of passionate kisses and around afternoon they changed from the bedroom to the living room, watching a dvd in the darkness. It's late when they go to bed again, because no one feels really tired, which could be the result of laying in bed all day, but they have to work tomorrow and they need some sleep if they want or not. 

The next morning, it's dark and cold when they wake up, but they couldn't spend another day in bed.

Cuddy feels excited and couldn't remember a time when she felt like this the last time, maybe she felt like this when she started working there. Everything was new, she was new and she didn't know what would expect her. And now, it's almost the same. He changes a lot the last time, she changed in some ways and everything seems to be new and both don't know what will expect them.

Their morning passed by quiet silent, because no one wanted to say a word and both of them seem to think about the same things.

Are they about to do the right thing?

On their way to work, he asks her:  
„You really think you wanna do this?" like it's some kind of unnatural or something really bad.

„Do you?"

„I think it's right" he answers and takes a deep breath. „I want to do it."

„So do I."

They look at each other and smile, the walk to the hospital appears to be very long, but with every step they take, it grows in front of them, coming closer.

He takes her hand and presses it short and she couldn't help but smile when they walk in the hospital together, holding hands.

House feels their looks on them, since they came in and he tries to ignore this, but also likes it. And now, it feels great. He knows that this was the right decision. Everyone should know that he loves her and that she's his woman. While they walk past the reception desk, the nurses look surprised like Santa had entered the hospital moments ago and Cuddy looks to House thinking the same. They can't hear any sounds and they enter the lift close to them, alone.

She starts to laugh when the doors closed.

„You saw that?" she wants to know.  
„Oh yes, I did!" he answers and kisses her short. „Felt great."

„Wonderful..."

The doors open again and they walk out to reach their offices. He can't see anyone and so he stops close to his own, taking both of her hands.  
„Greg..." she begins with a shy smile.

He turns his head to check if someone's there. „There's no one."  
He leans closer to give her a long, loving kiss and she hasn't any chance except giving in.

What they don't realize is that there is someone watching them from the inside of his office in which the ducklings already sit on the table and wait for him.

She stood up to explain something and for some reason, she needed to walk for it. At some point, she stopped moving and speaking, staring on the floor through the glass wall.

„Cameron?" Foreman asks her after seconds without saying anything, waiting for a further explanation. „What's going on?"

„I...I'm just thinking about what I'm seeing..." she says in an absent voice.  
„And what's that?" he wants to know.

„House... and... Cuddy," She says like she doesn't want to believe it. The two men stand up to see what she sees and so they stand beside her. Soon, they seem to be as surprised as Cameron is while they watch House kissing Cuddy.

„So it was right what I heard!" Foreman laughs.

„You saw them at the dinner? The way the looked at each other says a lot."  
„I can't believe it..." Cameron throws in.

„I think so" Foreman answers with a look at her. „He's coming, back to the table!" he says and they all go back to the table very fast and try to act as normal as they can and start to talk about their early patient.

He enters his office and looks at three assistants who try to look as innocent as possible.  
„Good morning," he says, quite friendlier than usual. „Someone's dead?" he asks by the look on their faces.

„Not yet..." Foreman says.

„Who's it?" he wants to know and the time he asks his question, he knows who they mean.

„Is it Angela?"  
„Yes." Chase says short.  
„What's going on with her?" he wants to know.

„Her condition is getting worse every hour. She's bad temperature, very weak. At some times, she can't even hold her eyes open. She's getting pain medication that makes her numb. She's not paying a lot of attention to the things going on around her. Hardly speaks, brain cancer seemed to spread."

„Since when it's like this?"  
„Yesterday morning." Chase says.

„The doctors say that she'll probably not life the night,." Foreman explains. Cameron sits on her chair, not saying anything like a young girl who's angry, because mummy forbid her to eat candy before dinner.

„She's denying food and she's on the drip to prevent her from dehydration. She cries, everytime she seems to find enough strength."

„Is someone with her?" House wants to know.

„No..." Foreman says in a silent voice, feeling a bit pity for the girl. She knows that she'll die and lays in her bed, not able to do anything, waiting for the death to come and get her in a cruel and painful way with no one beside her. No one who tells her that everything will be fine, although they both know that this is not going to happen, no one beside her who cries and shares her pain, no one beside her who holds her hand until the very end where she'll finally close her eyes for the last time and the last thing she'd probably see is the white ceiling of her disconsolate room where she spent such a long time with no family, fighting the hardest battle of her life...

„Any other patients?" House wants to know. He needs to see the girl. He has to see her, the imagination that she's alone now makes him feeling sick and he suddenly feels sorry for her a patient.

„No, she's the only one to worry about."  
„I thought she's not our patient anymore?" he asks with a provocating look on Cameron.

„Doctors changed their mind," she answers with a bitchy voice. He stands up and walks to the door.

„Don't try to mess up with me or I'll show you who's the one who leads this game, you understand me?" he asks without waiting for an answer and leaves.

She's getting heavily on his nerves with this manner. He decides that it's definetly time for her to get something between her legs again, because she became intolerable with the time.

While he waits in the elevator to bring him down to the ward, he thinks about Cuddy. A few minutes ago, everything was fine and she was so lucky about showing everybody the truth and the person she loves and so he was, and now? It changes so fast that you don't even have time to look at your watch to see how it passes by. He feels guilty and bad because he doesn't tell Cuddy about this but he suddenly feels the need to protect her from what'll maybe make her feeling sad and miserable, although he knows that she will know about it soon. She might already know it. He walks out of the elevator into a heavy silence. They all know that this is going to the end.

He reaches the reception desk with slow steps and doesn't have to ask, Brenda, who already saw him with the girl on christmas night, knows why he's there.

„Same room..." she tells him with an inexplicable look on her face. Something between hope and sorrow. Hope that the girl is not suffering anymore, free from pain and a miserable life that had just been a bit better in the last years where she found some kind of family in the hospital. Sorrow, that the room will be empty soon. Sorrow, because of the loss of such a young girl. Of course, they all know that people die from time to time, but that's life and they can't stop things like this when life decides that it's finally time to. It's something different, because she's been there for such a long time. It'll be a very long day for all of them...

He feels nervous before he enters the room. It's warm in her and all he hears is the sound the different machines make. One to control her heart beats, one to supply her with body with liquid and one to control her breathings. From the door, where he stands, he sees the young girl that had once smiled happily in his face on christmas day. She's not moving and he walks closer slowly, as if he's afraid to wake her up. He stands at the end of her bed, watching her in silence. Both hands rest on each site of her body, not moving an inch. The needle of the drip was pricked on the handback of her right hand and he sees a small line of dried blood that came out of it. Her face is almost as white as the pillow beneath her head, he sees small light red marks on her cheeks due to the fever, her lips are almost closed, he just sees a small part that shows him that her mouth is open. He couldn't say if she sleeps or not or if she's able to hear him.

Standing on her death-bed, he finally realizes while he once decided to be a doctor. Watching this young girl dying helplessly, all the reasons come back to his mind and again, he thinks about the person who treats patients in a degraded way and he can't understand this. It appears to him that he watches a younger brother, a brother he has lost months ago.

He walks around the bed and touches her left hand careful. It's feels cold, too cold. She's loosing temperature although she had fever all the time. He watches the coverlets for a few seconds, watching the slow breathes. He needs to look at it precisely otherwise he wouldn't notice that the coverlets move up and down from time to time.

He sits down beside her in a chair, watching her in silence. Still not sure if she notices anything, he feels better while thinking that she's not alone anymore, she won't die alone. At last one thing he's sure of.

Again, he thinks about Cuddy and all the bad things he did to her. In time, where he faces the death, it all seems to come back. He thinks about all the things he said to her, the jokes about pegnancy and the meaningless fights just to cause offence. It all looks ridiculous to him. As a doctor, he spent much time with saving patients lifes, no matter how he did it, but he never thought about the fact that a life could be over very fast without expecting it. Abruptly he feels a pain inside his chest. What if something happens to Cuddy? What if something happens to her, because someone decided that it's time to and no one ever thought about this?

He closes his eyes and feels tired. He feels anger, because he thinks about things like this, but he couldn't stop while the dead rests beneath them like an invisible ghost.

It's been years ago that he feels pain like this, different from the ones he knows, the ones that causes his leg every once in a while. This pain comes from the heart.

His look goes back to Angela, but nothing changed in the last five minutes. And the ten minutes before.

He slides closer to the bed with his chair and looks at her face.

„Hey..." he says in a low voice. „It's Greg, remember me? I was with Dr. Cuddy a few days ago where she gave you chocolate, you know what I mean? She'll be here soon, I promise that she'll be here with you soon. She's a wonderful person and she'll be here soon... she'll be here..." he says and his voice dies at the end of the sentences. His hands rest on the top of his cane and his head leans on them with closed eyes.

„She'll come, she'll be there..." he thinks hopeful, the deadly silence seems to kill him also but he can't stand leaving the room.

He just raises his head almost every minute to check if something changed or every time he thinks to hear something. The last time, he looked up, her pulse raised a bit but became normal after a few seconds, almost like a sign of life.

The time inside the room of little Angela seems to pass by slowlier than outside in the loud and hectical hospital. He doesn't care about his others patients or his clinic duty now. He wonders if someone's looking for him...

Lisa Cuddy spent half of her day in a very boring board meeting and she wasn't able to get out of it. She felt nervous at some points, tired on others and bored on many other points of the meeting. This one's really unnecessary and actually she's more important things to do.

She wonders that House didn't show up at the glass wall like he always did to bother or humilate her in front od her bosses or a donor. She doesn't think that he'd do this now, but you can never be sure with House, she thinks with a short grin. She feels some kind of glad that he doesn't showed up, because it would've irritated her, but on the other side, he seemed to be lost completly.

With the end of the meeting, she goes back to her office and checked his before, but there's no sign of House or that he was in her office.

She walks out of it, walks along the floor and suddenly, she feels that there's something going on. She feels nervous and needs to find out what's going on. No one has to tell her that there _is _something going on, her intuition still works quite well.

„Hey" she asks one of the nurses. „You saw House?"  
The nurse looks up with a smile, she also saw them in the morning. Cuddy couldn't help but smile also and looks at her fingers, resting on the reception desk.

„I have to talk to him..." she says and thinks that she has to justify herself. „About a patient!"  
„No, I'm sorry I didn't see him."

„Thanks..." she answers and sighs, than she leaves. She has to do something, sitting in her office with paperwork would kill her.

She tries to find him all the time but she couldn't imagine what'll finally expect her. Outside of the hospital, the sky became dark again and it's past afternoon when she reaches the end of her search. No one could tell her where House is hiding, because no one would expect him there, not even Lisa.

She lays her head on the table and takes a deep breath. She feels tired.

„Hey doctor," Brenda says in a calm voice. She looks up to face her and can't say what the expressions on it says, but what she knows is that it's nothing good. Her heart beats faster and Breanda asks: „You heard it?"

„Heard what?" she asks alarming. Brenda turns her head to the direction of Angels's room.

„He's there..." the nurse says.

With a last look on the nurse, she feels her heart pulsating in her chest and she feels afraid. She hesitates a moment, a hand resting on the doornob and she tries desperatly to prepare herself for the coming.

She opens the door careful and steps in, closing the door behind herself and tries not to make any sounds. She wants to say something when she sees the young girl and him, sitting so close to her but she can't. She steps closer, carefully.

How could this happen? How much time passed by since she met the young girl the last time, or should she say how less time?

She tries hard to breath and touches her small hand on the other side of the bed. It feels cold. House remains silent since she entered the room, maybe he waits for her to say something.

After minutes, that seemed to be hours, she raises her head and looks across the bed, into his face and feels an awful pain inside her chest. She's never seen him so sad. He really looks like he is and he cares for her, otherwise he wouldn't have sat her all day. She looks in another direction as tears flood her eyes and she tries best to blink them away fast. The pain hurts her, because it comes from the heart.

„I told you she would come..." he say in a hoarse voice to the girl laying in the bed. „I told you she'll be there."

She walks around the bed and sits down on it, beside her and takes her hand. The first time, she saw the girl is more than two years ago. She saw a weak and frightened girl. She was shy and Cuddy needed a lot of time to get her talking. She was scared of everyone and scared because of her illness. She also knows that this is nothing good. It took her a lot of time to get used to the things in the hospital, the people around her, the unusual area and the examinations and Cuddy understand that. She was such a young girl with no one who really cares about her and she tried to be as patient as possible and it worked in the end. She liked the little girl more with every day that passed by and she couldn't say why. There were other patients, other children, but they never got that close. She knows that this is a very careful thing for doctors and when she was at university, everyone told her to keep a distance. Never let patients come to close to you, never start a relationship, because it won't be good for your work and make you weak. After her studies, she believed this, but with the years, she realized that it's not always working. Some times, you have to break the rules. Little Angela impressed her, because she never stopped fighting against her illness. She tries to be strong although she was on a very young age where most of the kids didn't even understand what'll maybe kill them. She likes the way he fights and maybe she just liked her that much, because she was looking for a substitute, because she'll probably never have children on her own. She always told herself that there is still a difference and that her death wouldn't touch her that bad, because she knew that this is coming one day.

And tonight, she realizes that it touches her a lot. To see her dying feels like loosing someone she made a part of her life and that hurts and again she remembers the words a professor once told her:  
„Don't become too emotional, don't let them come to close..."

„How long are you here now?" she asks in a low voice, still looking at Angela.

„I don't know" he answers and leans back in the chair, covering his face with his hands. „I don't know..."

Silent tears fall down her cheeks and she sobs and wipes them off. He stands up to do something but she stops him.

„It's okay," she says. „It's okay. Please don't do that now, because I need all my strength to do that now and I don't even know why."

He doesn't answer and sits down in the chair again.

„You need anything?" he asks her after several seconds passed by without any words.

„No, thanks," she whispers.

„I'll just check the clinic and come back then. Or do you want me to stay?" he asks calm.

„No, go ahead. It's okay."

He lays a hand on her shoulder and wants to do something more to care for her, but everything seems to be wrong in this situation so he leaves the room without doing anything else and leaves her back with her sorrow and the dying young girl.

„How's she doing?" A nurse asks, looking up from the file she reads.

„Nothing changes," he simply anwers and leaves the ward, back into another world. That's how it feels. Out of here, no one cares about what's going on on this ward.

He walks back into his office where he meets Foreman and Chase, he doesn't ask where to find Cameron, because he doesn't care.

„Anything important?" he asks and takes a cup of coffee.

„Not really. I think we can handle it" he answers and thinks that he's doing him a favour or makes him angry, but to his own surprise, he agreed.

„May I ask you something?"

„No," House answers, but Foreman ignores this. „What's going on between you and Cuddy?" he saw them, but he wants to hear it from himself.

„Nothing that should interest you."

He decides to give it up, because House seems not to be himself tonight.

„How's the young girl doing?" he asks, seriously this time.

„Nothing changes. She's still in the same condition. Call me if something serious happens." he says and goes back to clinic where some work waits for him. To his anger, he finds a lot of patients who wait for their treatment and he tells himself that it's better not to bother about it but start working to have it done very fast so that he can go back to Cuddy.

It took him almost two hours until he finished his duty and before he goes back to the room, he takes a cup of coffee for her. She'll need it and enters the ward, again today, with weird feelings...


	15. Dead line

Chapter fifteen – Dead line

He walks past the nurse on the reception desk again and she looks up with a questioning look on her face but he doesn't say anything.

He opens the door carefully and again, he walks into the room he so hated the last hours, because of the cruel things that happened in there and that still happen. He now sees Cuddy sitting in the chair, close to the bed and she still holds her small hand. She looks up and she looks tired. Tired from sitting her with the death so close beside you that you can almost feel it, tired from waiting. Tired from fighting against tears and her own sorrow, the things she's gotten herself into. And tired from thinking. Thinking about herself and her destiny that she'll probably never be a mother and with this young girl, that she learned to love in a special doctor-patient way, infront of her, dying and again, something she fought for, will be taken away from her.

He knew that it wasn't a good idea to leave her alone in here. Of course she's old enough to handle situations on her own, god she's dean of medicine and knows how to take care of stressful situations but this is her own thing. A thing she has to fight with herself.

„You look tired" he says in a low voice and stand behind the chair and hadles her the cup of coffee. „Drink it," he orders her in a calm way and she takes the cup without looking at him, her eyes still rest on Angela.

„Thanks" she whispers.

„She got a higher pulse" he says with a look on the monitor.

„I know" she answers in the same voice. „It raised about an hour ago."

„I can her some medication-" he starts, but she she interrupts him.

„No you can't. It would kill and where both doctors and know this."  
„It would just make it... easier for her," he explains in a calm voice and goes down to his knees to face her in a better way.

„We're talking about euthansia" she says. „We can't do that," she speaks calm, but he can say from the look on her face that it costs a lot of strength to say it, because would prefer nothing more than bringing it to the end.

„You know we can't do that... you know it" she whispers and her eyes blinked with tears. She takes his hand with he free one and holds it.

After a while, he sits down on the window-sill, watching her and she just left the room twice, because of an important phone call she couldn't refuse and came back. Walking trough the room with slow steps, just to do something.

Sometimes, life ends before it had just begun and she asks herself if they aren't all walking on a small line between life and death. Just a small one where a little mistake can kick you out of balance and where your destiny is a question of luck. Fall on the right or the wrong site. But who decides about this, she askes herself again and imagines god and lucifer standing beside the line, on their own sites, everyone takes a hand and they start to pull. The one who's stronger wins and she'll fall. Back in the room, she throws her hand over her head and shakes it. She seems to loose her mind completly by thinking such ridiculous things! She leans agains the wall beside the door and closes her eyes. She has to stop this, she needs to stay cool and calm, she thinks that she can handle this, but in times where you face the death, everything seems to be different.

He suddenly feels the need to close her in the arms, but the sound that one of the different machines makes seems to let his blood frown for a few seconds.

They both look at the moment and saw her pulse raising higher and higher and for the first time this day, they see something moving in the bed. Cuddy's the first one who reaches the girl and she takes her hand and talks to her.

„Angela..." she whispers with panic in her voice. „Angela..." she says and looks to House with fear in her eyes.

The young girls chest begins to move up and down faster in uncontrollable movements and she moves her head a bit.

„It's okay, it's okay" she whispers in an angsty voice. „It'll be all right, you hear me?" she whispers with a shaking voice. Tears flood her eyes.

„Kill the alarm!" she says to House, because she knew it won't be better anymore. He presses the off-button and the sound stopped immediately.

He walks around the bed to rest on the other side.

„What are you doing?" she asks in a whispering voice, watching him standing up.

„I do what I promised to do when I finished my studies. She'll die if I give her the medication or not it wouldn't make any sense, it'll be just a bit easier," he answers.

She watches him opening the closet where he takes out a syringe and the medication, he fills the syringe and injects the medication through the needle on her right hand with calm hands.

Her pulse didn't change and actually, he hadn't expect this. Her body's giving up and nothing would change it now.

„She's suffering..." Cuddy says into the silence. „How long will it go on like this?" She looks to Greg as if she waits for an answer, because he always knew the answers but this time, he seems to be as helpless as she is.

Lisa caresses her forehead careful, ceraful not to wake up a sleeping child. And suddenly, her pulse raises again and it looks like she's fighting against it. Fighting against something.

This is not a time for words anymore and Lisa knows this, she has to let her go now. She just holds her hand and watches her.

Her pulse is now deadly high and she looses this fight. They both know that she's suffering, she didn't deserve this, no one does. Why couldn't she just drift away in her peaceful sleep with some sweeter memories of her last moments. Why has it be so cruel?

Her eyes blinked with tears, she watches the monitor that shows her heartbeats and the pulse and it raises and raises and suddenly, there is the deadline.

She lost the fight and finally rests in a better world, Cuddy thinks and tries to becalm herself. It's over and she's free. A single tear falls down her cheek and she takes Angelas warm hand and lays it on her stomach, where it rests beside the other one. To her own surprise, she seems to be more controlled then she was before. Now that it's over, she knows that she hasn't pain anymore, and one day she'll maybe has a better life. With a last look on her, she stands up and House closes her in her arms beside the door.

Something happened tonight, something they maybe don't know up to now, but it happened. In times where you face the death, something changes. In her own life, deep inside of her, something always changes and if this is good or not is up to you.

It'll make her stronger, but it could also make her more weak. The feeling of not being alone is the greatest pleasure she has and it makes her stronger then she ever dreamed about.

He takes her hand and they walk out of the room, closing the door behind them...

**I would like to thank all my dear readers! Thanks for the nice reviews and thanks for reading my story! I wish you all merry christmas, health and lots of luck for whatever you want to do or achieve!**

As usual, reviews are welcome. You already found my other House stories „I let you go" and „I guess that's why they call it the blues"? Take a look at it...


	16. help

**Just because I do...**

Chapter sixteen – New years eve

House spent his days in the hospital rather quiet, not like you expected it before. He tries to be a bit more friendly to the nurses, doesn't treat his assistants that bad – even Cameron, poor her - and he still doesn't argue with Cuddy.

Cuddy appears to be pretty calm, the young girls death seemed to touch her very hard, but everyone is sure she'll get over it. The whole hospital knows that they're having a relationship, because a lot of people saw them holding hands and someone saw them kissing. A nurse caught the assistants while talking about it and so it was just a matter of time – or seconds – that everyone knows, but because of the circumstances, no one seems to be brave enough to ask some questions.

It'll be new years eve the next day and all she can think about is how much she hates this day while she tries to read a letter she got from a donor. She never could say why she hates this day or celebration that much, she just does. When she was a child, she always spent the day with her family, celebrating the beginning of the new year and she liked it. Later, she spent this day with friend while she studies and a few years later, she started to hate it more with every year that passed by. She hates the celebration, the fact that she can't be with her family anymore, she's maybe afraid that another year passed by and in the end she asks herself what she achieved and what happened the year and it made her unhappier with every minute she thought about it.

She sighs and lays the letter on the desk in front of her and stands up. She has to do something. She walks to the window and watches out in silence.

What happened this year? She hasn't been able to get pregnant, she's stressed from work, which is nothing new and she lost a patient. A young girl she started to like and she knew it was a mistake but she couldn't stop it. She knew it would happen in the end, she's furious with herself, because this is one thing she already learned at university.

Never let patients come to close, never let them in your heart. Of course you can be friendly and you can like them but you should never let them come to close, because it would be painful afterwards. From the day she met the young girl, she knew she would never hold her and would let her go someday but she didn't care, because the wish of being a mother was too strong.

She wants to leave her office, but she doesn't know where to go. She don't wants to go in clinic or somewhere else in the hospital, because she knew that they'll all follow her with the eyes everywhere she goes, because they all know what happened and she couldn't stand the feeling. She also knows that she can't hide in there all the time, but for the moment she thinks it's okay. There will be a point when she has to go out and she'll have to get through it either. She thinks about seeing Wilson, but he isn't there and then, there's his office which seems to be empty, but she notices him sitting behind his office and she walks in.

„Shouldn't you be in clinic?" she asks him.

„Maybe..." he answers.

„House!" she says with a warning voice.

„There's nothing to do!"  
„There is always something to do, you know that!"  
„What if I don't want to?" he answers. Since Angela died, she was in a pretty weird mood. He doesn't like that and he also knows that it's not good for her and he has to change it somehow and the only way to try it is to make her furious now.

„There are patients who need treatment and you'll go in clinic and do your work," she tells him and he could see that she's trying to keep herself under control.

„Or...?"

„Or you'll loose you're job faster than you can spell the word „approbation"!" she says in a very frightening calm voice and steps closer. Just a few more words and he'll get her, he thinks.

„What the hell do you want to reach with this behaviour?" She asks him.

„That what I'm asking you!" she ignores this and goes on, she was just looking for someone to be mad with and if it has to be him, he'll get trough it.

„Do you think you can do everything now?" she asks him in a serious voice.

„Now that I fuck my boss?" he asks and he knew that he won.

„How can you..." she starts and in a whispering voice and leaves the office, not without slamming the door.

He leans back in his chair and closes his eyes. He wishes that this conversation had never taken place and he never wanted to say something like this to her, but it had to be. He had to do this to get her back down. She'll think about it and someday, she'll probably thankful and agree that this was nessesary to make it happen.

A few minutes later, he stands up and leaves. Of course he knows that there are patients who wait for him.

He didn't see her again the whole day and he wasn't sure whether to wait for her in the evening or not. She has to calm down, but he upset her and can't leave her without doing anything else. At the end of his shift, he goes to her office and sits down in a chair, waiting in the darkness, because he's pretty sure that she'll come back once before she leaves the hospital.

Lisa was quite angry the whole day and tries her best not to show it to the others, she doesn't need more rumours up to now. She just wants to get out of the hospital, because it all makes her angry and she's furious with Greg and the last thing she wants is to meet him now.

What the hell did he thought by telling her such things? On her way home, she feels sadness. Doubts come up into her mind and she can't stop thinking about the fact that it maybe was a mistake to let him in her life like this. She should have known it better, she keeps on telling herself.

Her House feels so comforting and warm and she sits down with closed eyes and tries to relax. She feels that she carries something with herself, something heavy that makes her sad and furious at others to make them thinking about everything but not about her, because it could hurt.

After a while, she has to admit that something was different. For a short time, she had someone with her and now the house seems so desperatly lonely, worse than it was before. The feeling of not being alone anymore was one of the most wonderful things she felt in the past few weeks and now, was it all gone?

He already sits there for a long time and still waits. She won't come, he tells herself and stands up. What happened? Why didn't she come as usual? A part of his plan hadn't worked and he leaves the office with mixed feelings.

On his way home, he suddenly turned around. A few days ago, he told her that he loves her and he couldn't let her go so easily or let her alone. That wouldn't make sense and if he doesn't care, he'd never said this.

When he reached her house, it was dark, but he knows she's there and he doesn't care if she's already sleeping or not. He knows where she hides her key and takes it to get in slowly and silent.

She's still furious with him and everything, but there are moments in which she suddenly misses him. A strange feeling spread inside her chest, a feeling of loosing someone when she hears someone open the door and she feels afraid, and she hopes that it's him and not someone else who tried to break into her home. She stands up with slow steps and she feels so lighted that she's close to tears. He did it, he came back, she thinks.

Lisa stands up, not sure what to do, because she feels a bit awkward.

„I waited for you" he says calm.

„I'm sorry," she whispers. „I had to get out there."

„I noticed" he answers, walking closer. „I don't like to see you like this Lisa."

„See me like what?"

„I don't like the way you behavoir since Angela died, it's not good for you and you won't do yourself a favour."

It feels like he slapped her in the face, because he said what she tried to forget and maybe he's right.

„It's not that easy, I try but it's not working..."

„Than let me help you" he says. „I can't help you if you refuse me all the time."

She didn't want to do this and maybe she didn't even notice it and she knows that she has to let him and closes her in the arms, what a wonderful feeling that is when she feels him holding her tight.

He was glad about the fact that she accepted that something is going wrong, but she maybe choses the wrong way.

She pulls him into a deep, longing kiss. A desperate try of not loosing him, because that's what she's afraid of at the moment. He replies it and the kiss got more passionate with every second and he knew she wants him, but he had to stop her at a certain point. They land on the sofa and he kisses her throat slowly and he enjoys the touches they share and the amazing feeling that she gives him. She sits on his legs when he sees tears flooding her eyes and she seems to be more passionate with every second that passes, longing covered with aggression. This is the moment where it has to end.

He takes her by the wrists and forces her to look at him.

Tears wet her cheeks. „Don't" he says.

She lays her forehead against his and tries to breathe with closed eyes and she can't stop the tears anymore. She's upset and has to do something so she stands up again and walks through the room. She turned her back to him and he could see that she cries, he wants to stand up, but she refuses it.

„No, no. I don't want you to come to me. I don't know what's going on with me, I want to be alone and I don't want to have someone around me, not even you, but when I push you away, I'll miss you," she says and turns around. „I hate myself and I can't say why."

„You know why" he says and tries to stay calm. „You know why you're furious with yourself."

„I always wanted be a mother and I always dreamed about it and I told myself that I've enough time and now?" she pauses for a short moment, covering her face with her hands. „I failed, I failed in being a mother and now there's no time left. It's over."

„Don't say that, you know that's not true." he tells her and stands up, ignoring her protests.

„"I spent too much time with my work and I forgot to live my own life and I'm not even a doctor anymore, all I do is sitting in my office with fucking paperwork."

„You are a doctor and you can do great work." he knows that this is going to end with Angela, this is what she wants to say and she should say it.

„I failed in being a mother and I failed in being a doctor, I fucked up my damn life," she takes another break break and goes on.

„I lost her, I failed and I should've saved her life," she cries more than ever and it hurts him to see her suffering like this, but he isn't able to do something about it now.

„I promised to safe her."

„That was the only mistake you made" he answers in a comforting voice.

„I just wanted to safe her life" she whispers, not listening to his words. „I wanted to safe her life, she was so young."

„You couldn't do anything about it."

„I know... but it hurts" she whispers in a tearful voice and he takes her in the arms, without saying anything else. For the moment, everything is said.

He leads her to the bedroom and lays down beside her, holding her close. It becomes silent again and silent tears are falling down her cheeks until the fatigue brought her to sleep...


	17. Happy New year

Chapter seventeen – New years day

She wakes up the next morning and tries to let him sleep. Standing in her kitchen she thinks about the dispute she had with him in the office and suddenly it makes sense.

„He knew why he did it!", she thinks while she's about to make tea. She feels better and tells herself that she can let her rest in peace now. She will think of her sometimes and there's one thing that she realized yesterday night and that's the fact that she couldn't save her life.

The is the very last day in the old year and she's excited about the things that will come and one of the most important things is that she's not alone anymore.

Although it's New years eve, he has to work today and she decides to wake him up. She hadn't go to the hospital today, but she did that all the years before and she'll also do it this year. She sits down on the edge of the bed beside him and he opens his eyes.

„Feeling any better?" he asks with a tired voice and sits up.

„Yes," she answers, leaning her head on his shoulder. „Thank you," she whispers and he kisses her.

„Let me guess, we have to go to work," he says.

„I think so," she tells him. „There won't be a lot to do."

„Maybe, for you."

„Tell me what you have to do that keeps you occupied the whole day," she wants to know and puts the coverlet over her legs.

„I may have a patient," he answers and knows that this won't be a good explanation.

„Awww," she says and laughs. „Poor you."

„There are just uninteresting patients!"  
„But they still need a treatment."

„It's boring" he just says.

„You'll get trough it."

„Is that all you have to say?" he asks with a wannabe-serious look on his face.

„Yes," she laughs. „And treatment."

„Yeah, okay. You persuaded me," he answers and stands up.

She already left the room when she asks: „Is that true?"

„You sign my paycheck!" he answers and enters the bathroom.

On their way to work, he tries it again.

„Do I have to spend my time in clinic or can I hang around in my office?"

„What a stupid question!" she says. „Depends on the patients in clinic. No patients, hardly no work. A lot of patients, no office. Think of your paycheck," she reminds him with a smile.

„Are you blackmailing me?"

„I never would, I just love you."

They go to their offices and to his own surprise, there are no patients waiting for him at the moment. His ducklings aren't there too so he plays with his gameboy until it's getting on his nerves and he decides to habe a look whether Wilson is in his office or not.

„I can't believe she got you working too!"he says entering his office and sits down.

„You're already in trouble with her? Although it wouldn't surprise me, somehow."  
„No, I just had no pleasure to go to work!"

„You never want to go to work."

„Yes but today it's extremly bad."  
„You'll get trough it," Wilson tells him.

„Lisa said the same" he answers and Wilson can't avoid a smila when he uses her first name in such a nice way.

„How's she doing?"

„She'll get trough it," he simply answers and both men laughed at the sentences. „No, serious. I think she's okay."  
„That's nice to hear."

Before someone could say something, the door opens and Cuddy stands by the door with her arms crossed in front of her chest and a self-complacent smile on her face.

„Gossip time is over boys, you remember something that#s called „work"? There's a patient waiting for you in the clinic," she says to House and for some reason, she likes to tease him since he woke up.

„You're nasty," he says and walks out of the room and she follows him. He reaches the clinnic and stops in front of the waiting in which he sees more than one patient waiting for an examination.

„You said one patient," he turns around to Cuddy who stands by the reception desk, reading something.

„Yes, one patient in this room," she tells him and points to the door which says „Examination room no. 1" and the others are still waiting, I can't put them all in one room, you know?"

He moans silent and asks: „Where the hell did they all come from all of sudden?"

„I would say they came from home," Cuddy tells him and turns around to leave, but she's sure that she'll hear him and replies: „You're very funny today, aren't you?"

When she's out of sight, he enters the room no.1 and starts to work. The truth is that there are only four more patients who wait to be seen and he's sure he'll do it pretty fast. While he waits for his patient to take off his shirt, he grins to himself.

She's such a bad girl today, he thinks and remembers that they started something last night, but didn't bring it to an end.

An hour later, he finished his duty and Lisa shows up again.

„For some reason, it seems that you feel a bit boring today," has tells her. „You're walking around here all the time:"  
„I just want to make sure that everything is fine, but to be honest, I think it's a bit too calm," she says and looks around. All in all, he has to agree with her. It appears to be a bit calm, different from the things that happen in here usually.

After a few seconds, she might have changed her mind and they left for something that is claimed to be a diner at the cafeteria.

On their way back, they see that the clinic is still empty and agsin she looks worried.

„What do you think about?" he wants to know.

„No idea, but it just feels like there's something going wrong."

„I don't think so. You should be glad that there's less to do at last this year. It looks like, because there's always so much trouble in here."

„I hope your right," she replies and gives him a kiss and he's about to alk away before he tells her that he's always right.

„Got him under control, don't you?" one of the nurses says from the other side of the hall and Cuddy turns around with a smile to enter her office.

The time passes by quite calm and she still thinks about the fact that there's no one in the clinic intead of being happy, because there's nothing to to. She told the ducklings to take off the day, but they should be at work the next morning.

Her pager rings and she frightens at the first moment. House paged her and it says:"Very important" and a second message tells her where something „very important" seems to take place. „Second floor," and she starts to walk up the stairs. It's silent and when she walks along the corridor, but she can't see anyone.

„House?" she asks a bit louder and hopes that no one sees her, they would call her crazy.

„C'mon. I'm not in the mood of playing hide and seek! You can do that with your children," she tells him a bit amused, not sure if he can hear her. She never found out why he called them „children" maybe it bothers them, she thinks when a door is opened beside her and she screams when someone grabs her hand and pulls her inside the room and before she realizes where she is, she feels a hand covering her mouth to keep her quiet and she hears the door being locked.

She's angry at him when she sees his blue eyes showing up in front of her. He frightened her, but she really wants him. With another look around, she identifies the room as one of those where you store working clothes and other medical stuff.

„You scared me!" she tells him, but he smiles. „What should that be?" she asks knowing exactly where this is going to end up.

His hands already rest on her waist under her blouse when he says:"I know that I did," and starts to kiss her her every now and then, everytime she wants to give in, he goes back. His warm breath touches her cheek and she closes her eyes and her breath becomes faster.

„Stupid man," she whispers between his seducing touches.

„I don't care he answers and takes wrists and places them on the door aboce her head with his own.

„I don't like unfulfilled things" he whispers and they sink into a deep, passionate kiss and he knew he had won... [author's note: use your fantasy for the rest...

Almost an hour ago the door opens and they step out, trying to look as innocent as possible, praying that no one sees him, because it's pretty clear as a day what's going on. Her hair seem to be a bit messed up and she tries to close the last button on her blouse, but there wasn't one anymore.

„I lost a button," she says. „How does that look like if there's one missing suddenly?"

„Try to ignore it, it looks good."

„Yes, I always like to sit almost naked in my office."

„I would like it," he answers and she slaps his arm.  
„You take the lift, I'll take the stairs," she orders him and changed the direction.

„Yre you sure that you don't wanna join me?"

„Pretty sure, I can't risk loosing another button," she had a shirt in her office and she can change into it and she has to check her appearance before she meets someone.

Without the visitor who left when she came in, it was empty and she changes into the shirt fast and watches herself in the mirror.

Her cheeks are still a bit red and warm and she feels her lips burning from the kisses. She puts her hair together when she sees something dark red on her throat. Pretty good to be seen. She can't believe it, he made her a hickey! She didn't realize this and isn't whether to be angry or not. He's unbelieveable.

She goes back straight to his office.

„Idiot," she says with a mixture of amusement and annoyance. „How does that look like?"

„Looks like you had sex in a clothes-press."

„You did that on purpose!" she rolls her eyes and laughs while she leaves his office again.

„I'm sorry," he screamed.

„It's been too calm," she thinks and looks at her watch just to do something. Maria is one of those nurses who's always friendly, she has a heart for everyone. She looks like the friendly grandma who lifes next door and likes to bake muffins to give them to the children who play on the streets all the time. It's the same picture she sees in front of her everyday and someday, they all grow up and everything changes...

She's been a nurse since ages and she's gone through a lot of bad things. There's a special instinct she could rely on whenever she needed it and tonightm it came back. Maybe Dr. Cuddy was right with her worries.

It's 9 pm, only three hours and another year would have gone by and she starts to pray that it'll end peaceful and suddenly the phone starts to ring...

„Dr. Cuddy" she says louder when she drops the phone, but her phone already rang.

She comes out of the office with fast steps and takes her white coat on.

„Get every nurse down here, everyone you can find, we'll need them," she orders her and enters House office.

„You know where I can find Wilson? Don't go away it's getting serious," actually he wanted to make a joke but the look on her face tells her to forget it.

„What's going on?" House asks when she comes back with Wilson.

„We'll get a lot of emergencies soon. There was a big New years event and there was an explosion" she explains with a nervous look on her face. „Half of the building seems to be blown away and there are hundreds of injured people, a lot may be seriously wounded," she ends for the first time.

„Fuck!" House says.

„I think it's going to be a long night," Wilson says.

„They'll distribute the people to other hospitals too, but we're the closest which means we'll get the worst ones. Keep the operation courts free, we'll need them."

„Do we have enough people?" Wilson asks.

„I hope so. Try to get your assistants, they should come as fast as they can."

There isn't much time for further discussions, because the first ambulance arrives and everyone takes a patient.

And suddenly, there are a lot of decisions to take.

Who will get the first treatment? Who's going to have surgery first? Who's going to life and who'll die. You start to ask yourself questions you'd probably never ask yourself under normal circumstances. Between all the sreaming people who wait for someone to safe their lifes, you seem to see everything clearer than you did before. The man who stands close to the entrance with a terrified look on his face, looking for someone and than you realize the wedding ring on his finger and you ask yourself, between the orders you give, if you hadn't wait too long. For your own life or the life of the stranger. Will I die alone?

With the time, more ambulances arrive and for a moment Cuddy thinks that they won't be able to handle it all, but there's no time to hesitate. The patients who come in on their own got orders from nurses, an unefficient try to cheer them up, a plaster here and there and something to drink.

After that they can't do anything but wait. Wait for someone to tell them that everything's alright. Wait for a loved person to come back alive and they close each other in the arms and they'll thank god although they never believed in him, but in times of despite, they all do. Others cry because they suffer. Physically and mentionally and the sorrow will drown them until they know the truth.

It's so loud in there, but it also seems to be so quiet, moving in slow motion to make sure you realize everything in its cruel detail. Crying people, screaming children, doctors who make fast orders and the ambulance that arrives from time to time and you hear nothing. You've to stay col before it kills you too.

His patients needs surgery as fast as possible but he couldn't go without having a last look at Lisa. The imagination that she would suddenly disappear out of the hell made him feeling scared and he doesn't want her to feel it. He turns around and it seems that she can't hear him.

„Look up," he whispers and she finally did before the lift closes itself.

Her clothes are covered with bllod, it seems to be everywhere. Nurses run with boxes in their hands that contain medication or units of stored blood, a firefighter comes in, leaded by two ambulance man, because he couldn't walk on his own anymore.

„Does he have a family? Children and a wife who wait for him with the diner and soon they'll find out that daddy won't come home tonight."  
„Wilson!" she screams while she tries to get her patient to life. „Did he call the ducklings?"

„He did. There are out of town, but they try to be here as fast as they can!"

It's almost twelve and she doesn't think it's getting less. He comes out of the operation court an from the top of the stairs, it looks even worse. He feels disgusted when he sees dead bodies on the ground, covered with white sheets. And suddenly, he sees a little girl, standing between all these people and no one seems to notice. She might be two years old and without thinking about it, he walks down and takes the girl in his arms and carries her away. He ignored the sudden pain in his leg, because of the little weight and feels something he never felt before. The little girl lays her head on his chest and holds him tight with her little fingers as if she's afraid to be left alone again, completly terrified. It touches him and he won't give her to someone else, he has to make sure that she'll be fine in the end. It took him a while to find a paediatrician he could trust and orders him to tell him if everything's fine.

Meanwhile, the police came to find out who dies and bring people together again.

This time, Cuddy needs an operation court, but before she reaches the lift, House takes her face with his hands and looks her in the eyes, but words failed him and he gives her a short kiss and walks away.

Standing in the operation court, she notices how comforting this silence can be and she hears fireworks starting, but this is definetly not the right time to wish a happy new year.

Hours passed by and no one knows when the surgery will be over, it seems to be more complicated than she thought. The worse is over and he steps out of the doors to breath the bitter cold air of a morning they won't forget so easily.

„Hey," Wilson says.

„Hey," he answers with not much to say for the moment and they stare into the dark sky for a few seconds.

„We should go back," Wilsin says and he follows him without another word.

The ambulance changed the last few minutes. There are less people anymore. A few were sent home, others have to stay over the night and went to a ward, a few people are still in the operation court and others lost their lifes yesterday night or this morning, but who cars anymore?

The two men stand close to the entrance. They look tired and even House is speechless at this time.

They didn't hesitate to start cleaning up, because the silence and nothing to do appears to be worse. House watches two men carrying a dead body away and starts to throw the used things away that lay on the ground and with every minute it starts to look normal, but everyone knows that it won't be the next days.

His assistans didn't show up until now, but he didn't bother with calling them again. He told them to come because they have a lot to do, but he didn't tell them the truth, because it doesn't matter anymore.

After a while, he decides to watch Cuddy performing the surgery. Two days ago, she told him that she didn't feel like a doctor anymore and there she stands. Impressionable calm, performing a brilliant surgery. This is her own thing he thinks and leaves the room.

He walks to his office, still wearing his green clothes from the surgery and his leg starts to hurt so that he needs to sit down and the little orange box, filled with white pills seems to be pretty attractive.

Someone knocks on his door.

„Yeah?" he says and a man steps in, he remembers him as the paediatrician he met in the ambulance.

„Sophia is fine," he says and adds, because of his questioning look:"The young girl you found in the ambulance. She has to stay, but she'll be fine."  
„Thank you" he says and the doctor leaves.

Her operation goes fine and she thinks that she'll have it finished soon. She still remembers the look in his eyes before he kissed her. Even he can be worried about something.

It's almost 8 am when she walks out of the surgery and she needs a few seconds to get used to the bright lights. Her patient will be fine, at least one positive she can look up to. When she walks in his office, she feels the tiredness coming up. She wonders a bit about her appearance when she sees herself in the glass doors, it must be months ago when she wore those green clothes the last time. He stands on the balcony, looking into the grey sky, a light fog surrounds the area.

She lays her arms around his waist and leans against his back to rest a few seconds before he turns around.

„Are you okay?" she asks him.

„I think I am, what about you?"  
„I'm tired."

She closes her eyes again and wants to go to sleep, but it would still take her a bit time until she'll get some rest.

They shared a long kiss and she asks him:"You wanna come back in?"  
„Give me just a few seconds."

„Sure," she says and goes back It feels like her feets won't carry her anymore and she sits down and lays her head on the table and falls asleep as soon as she closes her eyes.

She doesn't notice that the three assistants arrive in the office, all of them look surprised when they see Cuddy sleeping there.

„Dr. Cuddy?" Cameron asks careful. Before they can say something else, House comes in and it looks like they try to find an excuse.

„Sorry for being late, but we-," Foreman starts but House cuts him off.

„It's okay," he says in a surprising calm voice.

„It's just that we-," Cameron tries, but again he interrupts her.

„I said I don't wanna hear anything, it's okay."

„What's going on with her?" Chase wants to know with a look at the peaceful sleeping Cuddy.

„She's just sleeping," he says and they atch him waking her up in a very soft way and he helps her standing up to bring her home. She doesn't seem to notice this and he turns around by the door to face hus assistants.

„A happy new year" and the door closes with a click.


	18. mistakes

Chapter 18 -

She can't remember how she got home. The only thing she knows is that she fell asleep in his office and she couldn't imagine that he carried her home.

That wasn't a wonderful start for a new year, but they all have to live with it and pray that the year will be better.

When they went back to the hospital the shock still rests there and they all needed a few days to go back to their usual work.

She didn't feel well the last days and maybe she caught a cold or something else in the night.

Lisa Cuddy isn't someone who likes to take pain medication, she always thinks that they'll go away on its own. In this way, she's different than he is. He's been taking less vicodin the past times, but she knows that the pain is there. It hurts her that she can't help him, that she's been the one who fucked it up.

He left her earlier to pick p some new clothes and she's alone in her house. He was there a lot of mornings and she loved it but she also likes the fat that she's alone now. She enjoys the silence and the warmrth of her bed where he'd slept in her arms. She quivery a bit and decides to take a shower.

The moment she stands up, she realizes that it wasn't a good idea. She feels dizzy all of sudden and thrown out of balance. Thank god she was fast enough to hold herself on her legs and she managed to walk into the bathroom with shaky legs, sweat covers her face and sudden sickness brings her down to her knees.

She leans on the cold bathtub which makes her shivering even more but she doesn't wanna move because she's afraid to throw up when she does.

She keeps her eyes closed and breathes calm. She needed almost half an hour to stand up and look at herself in the mirror, her face is very pale and she'll be lat for work she thinks.

She needed several more minutes t get dressed abd rge doctor inside of her told her to eat something but she couldn't eat anything now. The thought itself causes disgustion and she still feels shaky when she leaves the house.

When he enters the hospital he expects her to be in her office, because he's always the one who's late and when he raechs it, it's empty.

He checkes his office and the ducklings sit in there, but there's no sign of Cuddy.

„You saw Cuddy?" he asks Wilson who walks toward him.

„No, not this morning. Thought she was with you," he says with a look at him.

„Came in on my own," he says without revealing too much to him. „Thought she'd already be here."

„Nope sorry," he answers. „I gotta go and see a patient," Wilson says and he doesn't notice anymore how Cuddy comes in. Even from that distance he knows that something is wrong and she looks tired.

„I'm sorry," she says and thinks about embracing him but changes her mind a second later. This would be too unusual in front of all of them.

He knows that the smile on her face is faked. Through the years he learned to read some of her signs and he remembers that this ons is a bad one.

Although he knows that she isn't he asks her:"You okay?"

His voice is soft and she knows that he really cares, but she couldn't tell him what happened besides the fact that he'll notice it sooner or later.

„Yes, thank you," she answers with a smile and gives him a short kiss on his lips.

„You look pale," he says and touches her cheek. „And you feel cold," he tells her but decides to leave it at that for the first time.

„Maybe I didn't get enough sleep the last days. It'll be okay", she tells him and hopes he'll take it and leave because she wants nothing more but sitting down.

„Well..." he says. „I see you later," he leaves her office and looks back. Obviously trying to say something but goes away without another word.

She sits down in her chair and sighs with closed eyes, she needs to get a clear mind.

How stupid could she be? Of course he'll notice anything and what is so bad about telling him that she didn't feel good this morning.

Maybe it's true that doctors ignore symptoms because they think they can't get ill although it's odd.

He knows that she's not fine but he knows better than to argue with her now. He hardly ses her in clinic and something tells him that she tries to avoid him because she knows that he would notice it.

He has no case up to now so he's forced to spend his time in clinic today. His patients are quiet boring today.

He gor a little child with a rush coming from an allergical reaction, a man with a flu and other patients with other diseases that like to bother peopke at this season.

While he waits for an elevator to come he sees her walking toward him.

„Feelin' any better?" he asks her, knowing that she didn't say that she was feeling ill before. She didn't admit it.

„Yes, thanks," she answers and realizes too late what he actually asked her.

„Interesting..." he starts. „Didn't you tell me that you're fine?" he asks her with a questioning look.

„Why did you ask me then?" she wants to know.

„Because I know that you lied," he says and there's silence for a few seconds.

„I got a headache that's all. Nothing to worry about."

He has to admit that she doesn't look that pale anymore.

„You want something to eat?" he asks her.  
„Sure," she says although she still isn't hungry but it would look suspicious to refuse.

„You're not eating," he says and that is more an establishment than a question.

The first time they went to the cafeteria together felt weird. They never made it official but everyone knows it and he almost feels them staring.

„I'm eating," she says.

„Yeah, I see," he says and she can't help but smile although he's getting on her nerves this morning just like everything else.

„It's early," she says and tries to defent herself.

„It's 2 pm!"

„Greg, come on..." she begs him and drinks some water. „I told you I'm fine."

„Okay," he answers.

„Okay?"  
„Yes, okay."

This conversation is a few days ago and she isn't feeling any better. She tries her best not to show it and decides to see another doctor if nothing changes soon.

Maybe she slept less? Drank to much coffee? She tries to find excuses all the time but nothing seems to fit although she wants it to.

She left work earlier than House because he's still occupied with a new patient he got this afternoon.

She took her time with going home because she's not sure what to do there tonight. Of course there's something to do, but would she do what she thought of this morning?

Sooner or later, she has to do it. She knows it wouldn't change and there's no way to avoid it.  
How would she feel? Disappointed? Sad? Would she be happy?

She could't say it so she needs the truth. Despite all her doubts she bought a pregnancy test and she feels uncomfortable by carrying this thing around. How much times hadn't it worked? Why should it happen now?

She opens her front door and thinks about throwing it away for the fifth time since she bought it.

She doesn't bother with switching the lights in and lays down on the sofa in the darkness.

How much times did she try to get pregnant? Three or four times?

She didn't count it anymore and accepts that she won't have children on her own and now? Now she's forced to go through it all again and she doesn't even know the truth.

Was it because of him? She's sure that he never wanted children and everything that seems to be connected with responsibility is out of question for him. Sometimes she thinks that he can't take care of his own life, how should he take care of another that would need him more than anything else? But he changed, didn't he?

After a while she can't stand it anymore and finds herself sitting in the bathroom in complete silence.

She made the test and the two minutes seem to be endless. Her hands shiver and she feels quivery while she waits for the truth. She can't think and ficuses on the test laying in front of her.

This is her last chance. Throw it away or take it.

She takes a few deep breaths and feels stupid. Wasn't it just a damn test? A test that could change two lifes forever and she suddenly realizes that she couldn't stand the disappointment.

She takes the test with one hand and tears well up in her eyes when she looks at it...

The next week feels like the worst of her life up to now. She feels miserable ans she can't tell him the truth although he deserves it. She's scared and can't say why and she knws that she won't reach anything with this behaviour, she'll just make it worse. She can't even be lucky. She wanted a child all her life and now she can't be lucky.

She kept herslf occupied with work to make sure they won't meet and when she stayed with him in the nights she left early and pretends to have a lot of things to do.

She's sitting in her living room, a warm cover wrapped around her body when she hears a knock on the door that definitely identifies him.

Unwillingly she stands up and opens the door without looking at him and goes back to the living room. She hears the door being closed and seconds later he stands in front of her.

She tries to breathe slow into the heavy silence that lasts between them.

„Why do you lie to me?" he asks calm and she feels his eyes on her. It would be easier to take if he would freak out she thinks.

„Do you think I wouldn't motice it?" he asks and the disappointment in his voice brings ger to the verge of tears. She should've known it better.

„Do you think I wouldn't notice that you avoid me? Do you think I wouldn't notice that you cries and left early so that I won't see you feel sick?"

„No..." she whispers and tries to find something else to say but she failed.

„Do you think I never noticed that you touched your belly a couple of times a day whenever you thought that no one's watching you?"

„I'm sorry," she says. „I was confused, I didn't know what to do."  
„How long do you wanted to wait before telling me the truth?" he asks in a still calm voice.

How long would she've waited?

„I would've told you..." she says.

„Yes," he almost whispers full of something that sounds like disappointment and anger.

„What are you going to do?" she asks.

„I don't know," he answers honest and looks to the ground. He never wanted to have children and with Stacy he doesn't talk about it because it was out of question.

He always thinks that he can't take the responsibility for such a little thing. This imagination scares him. He always thinks that his own life is too messy to let a child grow up in it and sometimes he thinks that he doesn't want to have children, because his own life means to much to him. He's to selfish for a child but he couldn't tell her that.

„Is that all you can say?" she whispers in disbelief and feels hurt. But what the hell did she expect? Thet he would be happy and embrace her? Kiss her? Probably not after she kept the truth away from him and despite that she wished to hear more than a simple „I don't know."

„Yes," he says. „I don't know what to you."

„Fine..." she says in a silent voice.

„What about you?" he wants to know.

„How I feel about this? I always wanted a child but I'm not sure about it aymore. What should I tell my child, that the father never wanted children and ran away?" she answers in an angry tone and he notices that she said „my child" and not „their child."

„You knew that I don't want children!"

„You could've thought about this before you screwed me. Excuse me it's not only my fault that I'm pregnant!"

She doesn't know hoe to react at this moment but what she knows is that it hurts her. How could she think he would change? She's furious with him and hates herself for being so stupid. She knew him and she thought he changed but maybe she was wrong. She understands that he's angry because she didn't inform him about the pregnancy immediately but everything else feels like a slap in the face. This feels more than sad and terribly lonely this time.

„Get out," she whispers and tears fill her eyes. She can't look at him and looks at the cushion in front of her.

„Lisa..." he starts but words failed him again.

„No, just get out" she orders him and for the first time in his life he does what he's told to and leaves the room.

She feels the warm tears on her face and bits her lip so that she won't sob and wishes that he would stay but he doesn't.

When she hears the door being shut she stands up and leans against her front door.

„Don't go..." she whispers and starts to cry. She was so furious wth him that she wanted him to leave but now that she's alone she realizes that she was wrong. She didn't expect that it would cause so much pain.  
She loves him and nothing would stop that but was it too late?

She leans her back at the door and sits down on the floor, her legs tight to her body, crying heavily because of the stupid mistake she made and the consequences that would come.

What she doesn't know is that he's still there, waiting on the other side of the door, listening to her silent sobs.

He's angry with her and with everything around him. On the one hand she loves her but can he life with a baby on the other?

She throwed him out and actually he has no reason for staying but something keeps him there...


	19. Away from me

Chapter 19

**Sorry that it took me such a long time, again.**

Chapter 19 – Away from me

His hands rest on the cold survey of the closed door in front of him. His feelings are something between madness, sadness and he also feels pain inside his chest. He never thought he could feel like that, because of another person. He was always the one who caused it; he was the one who hurt them and no one else. They don't know how to really hurt him and he always thought no one could ever get close to him, but Cuddy did.

She threw him out, because she was angry with him. It's not that it's the first time she did that, but it's the very first time it hurts him. 

It's freezing cold and the clear sky of a winter night in January seems to be darker than ever.

The cold wind hits him and he shivers for a moment, but doesn't leave. She wanted him to, but he can't just turn around and leave.

He once lost the love of his life, because he was such a jerk and didn't fight hard enough. He can't stand to go trough that again. He never wanted to have a child and with Stacy, he never even talked about it, but Lisa wants to be a mum with all her heart and this baby is also a part of him.

Maybe this is why he can't leave her. It's one of the reasons and the fact that he loves her is stronger than anything else. He will love her with or without a baby and the most important thing is not to loose her, he can deal with the baby later. 

He bows his head and takes a deep breath.

„Lisa," he says calm. „Let me in."

She holds her breath for a second when he says her name, because she didn't expect him to be still there. She wipes her tears away with her palm and tries to think. 

She feels the deep love she has for him, but he really hurt her and maybe she's too pride at the moment. She stands up and lays her hands on the door.

„Come on Lisa," he tries again, knowing that she's there. 

„I can't," she answers. „I'm sorry..."

He remains silent for a while and takes his hands away from the door. It wouldn't make any sense to fight with someone who doesn't want to be fought. He'd probably just make it worse and he turns around in order to leave.

The man that appeared to be so strong and untouchable all the time, the one who never loved anyone, to everyone else's mind, and the one who was always so tough, leaves the porch slowly even though he hopes that she will open the door to call him back. 

„It wasn't even humiliating," he thinks when he opens his front door after a while. She didn't humiliate, but she broke him.

He knows that nothing is going to be easy and for the first time in his life, he's afraid of going to work. It's not because he doesn't want to, but he'd afraid of what will happen. How will she react and what should he do?

He walks through his dark apartment, leaning heavily on his cane, looking for something.

What will the others say? He never cared about their opinions and he doesn't want to start wait that now. They don't know about the pregnancy and he doubts that Cuddy will tell them at the beginning, but he's pretty sure that he'll be the jerk in the end.

He'll be the one who ran away when he found out that he becomes a dad and they'll all say that they knew it. He can hear them saying that this wouldn't last long and he hates them for that.

He feels the anger coming back and he finds what he was looking for. 

He holds the little orange box with his Vicodin and there are only a few ones left.

He leans against the wall and closes his eyes, his fingers tight around the box and his heart begins to beat fast.

Suddenly, he's longing for the light feeling that the medication always give him.

At first, he swallows the dry pills and a bitter taste spreads inside his mouth, but he got used to it. He almost likes it in a perverted way. It's a sign that the pills will start to work after a while. 

He always leaned back in his chair with closed eyes, waiting for the feeling to come and spread inside his body. It starts inside the stomach and within the next seconds, and you feel that your body transports the drug to every tiny part of your body and you feel light and you're high and everything seems to be alright.

He opens his eyes and tightens his grip.

„Fuck!" he hisses and throws the pills away. The orange bottle bursts when it hits the wall and the white pills drop to the floor one by one.

He wakes up the next morning, feeling miserable, because he hardly slept the night. He kept seeing Lisa in front of his eyes all the time. She told him that she loves him and suddenly, the happy laughing woman turned into the hurt one who throws him out earlier. He still couldn't believe what happened. It all appears to be a bad dream, a nightmare and he laughs silent at the irony, because he really thought that his life changed in the past months. He started to like the way it turned out and all of sudden it started to turn out wrong. Maybe it all happened too fast.

And what about the baby? It'll be his baby, just like hers and he can't deny that. No one would ever dream about him being a father and neither could he. He's still angry, because it happened, because it came so unexpected. He didn't want to think about it, but when he lay in bed, all his thoughts ended up with that little bit of life that Lisa carries inside of her and after a while he started to ask himself when it happened. 

There are a few times when it could've happened, but it bothers him not to know exactly when it happened.

Maybe on Nee Years eve, when he seduced her in the hospital?

Around 5am, he decided to give it up and tried to get at least a bit sleep. It wouldn't make sense to think about it further, because he doesn't even know how far she is up to now.

Somehow, he must have fallen asleep, but the annoying sound of his alarm clock threw him out of sleep minutes later. That's how it felt and it didn't cheer him up.

He doesn't feel like having breakfast this morning, and he also doesn't want to go to work earlier than usual and so he starts to play the piano until it's finally time to go. 

He feels excited when he walks through the entrance of the already crowded hall and disappointment flooded him when he walks past her office and sees that she's not there. He hesitates for a moment and asks himself if she should check whether it's still locked which would mean that she isn't there, which is surprising, because she's never late or ill and even though she's ill, she comes to work. Maybe there's something to worry about?

He really wants to know where she is, because he's dying to talk to her, but it would be too suspicious to ask Wilson, because actually he should be the one to know it.

The day passes by and around noon there still isn't any sign of her and he really starts to worry. He leaves his office to walk through the hall and the floors. He pretends just to waste some time, but he does it, because he hopes to see Lisa somewhere.

"Hey," he hears Wilson saying. He rolls his eyes, but turns around. 

"You okay?" he asks and approaches.

"I'm fine. No patients, no clinic and the ducklings spend their time in the lab to find out what I already know and…" he starts and bits his lip. He thought about saying something about her, because she's not there to order him to clinic and this time he would like her to be there and do that. He looks to the ground for a moment.

"And?" Wilsons asks, knowing that something is wrong.

"Nothing," he answers and looks up just like every thing is fine. 

"Where's Cuddy?" Wilson asks calm.

"Board meeting," is the first thing that comes to his mind, but Wilson seems to know it better.

"She called me this morning to tell me that she won't come today," he says and House knows that this is not a question or something like that, but a fact.

"Why did she call me?" Wilson wants to know.

"I don't know," he answers quiet and honest.

"She could've told you," Wilson says.

"But she didn't!" House almost screams and walks away. He isn't angry with him, but with the fact that she called him instead. 

He goes back to his office when Wilson is out of sight, because he doesn't want to talk to him anymore at the moment.

His thoughts went back to Cuddy when he sits in his office. He thinks about calling her to find out what's wrong and make sure it's nothing serious, but he doesn't.

Wilson was right, she could've told him if she wanted to, but she didn't. She obviously doesn't want to talk to him. 

"What's going on?" Wilson asks, standing in the doorway. 

House rolls his eyes again, but faces him-

"You got nothing to do?"

"Not at the moment."

"What did she say when she called?"

"She just said that she doesn't feel good and that she'll take the day off."  
"What about tomorrow?" House wants to know. 

"Don't know. I think she'll be here," Wilson answers and walks into the office. 

"Why don't you ask her on your own?" he asks. 

"Can't," he answers and thinks about the right thing to say. "We just had a dispute yesterday."

"Sorry to hear that."  
"You're not going to tell me that you knew it would happen?"  
Wilson seems to think about it for a second and answers:" No," and leaves without saying anything else.

Her day was more disconsolate than any other day in her life.

She woke up in the morning, feeling like crap, because she hardly slept the night. Most of the time, she cried, because she was angry about the fight she had with Greg and the fact that she threw him out. She felt touched, because he stayed for a while although she wanted him to go. The Greg she once knew wouldn't have done that. He would've left without even thinking about it, but he stayed. Lying in bed, she started to regret a lot of things. 

How could she think that something would be different for good?

She should've known that something will go wrong sooner or later, but she was blinded with love and maybe she didn't want to see that.

Tears ran down her face when she placed a hand slightly on her belly, feeling terribly lonely.

She bit her lip, because she'd like to scream out all her anger. She lays on the side to look at the other side of the bed that appears to be so huge suddenly. It's the first night since a couple of nights that she slept alone and she wouldn't have bothered about this if the reasons would be different ones. 

She couldn't help but cry, because she already felt sorry for the little baby beneath her heart. She just found out that she's pregnant and a couple of hours later, her life is about to tear apart and she feels completely helpless about this, because she may have caused this.

These aren't circumstances in which a baby should grow up and the later it got, the more destroyed seems the picture of a perfect family.

But what is perfect?

She stood up early in the morning, because she couldn't sleep anymore and wasted her time with doing nothing. 

She felt desperately tired all the time, but she couldn't sleep. 

Now, she watches out of the window and thinks about her father whilst the rain pours down on the streets, replaying the way she feels. She needs someone to talk to, she would do everything to have someone to hold her right now. 

Her father doesn't know that she is pregnant or in a relationship with House. Neither does Stacy, she's the second one she thought of and the last one she actually needs right now. She doesn't know anything and suddenly Cuddy feels guilty, because she hasn't talked to her for months. 

Since she's with him, the contact broke and she can't even say why. Maybe it appeared strange to her, because of the things that happened between Stacy and him. It would mess up the situation even more and Cuddy couldn't say how he would react to that, but she imagines that he won't be pleased.

And how would Stacy feel? She doesn't want her to know that she's pregnant. She knows that Stacy never wanted to have children and House was the love of her life, but Cuddy knows best that woman can be jealous at things that they never wanted to have, but if they see someone else having that, they start to miss it. When Stacy was still with House, she always hated her in some way although she never did something wrong, but she had something that Lisa hadn't at this time and she had someone she hated, but she couldn't see them together and somehow she feels the need to protect her and everyone else who might be involved in this.

She turns away from the windows and looks at her phone.

The whole day, she waited for a call. She waited for him to call and she hopes with all her heart that he will. 

She fights all the time, because she's not sure about calling him. She's afraid of his reaction and that something will go wrong again.

It became dark outside and House sits at home with no idea what to do, except playing the piano. He played it for a long time, but somehow it wasn't funny tonight an he stopped.

He wanted to call her since he found out that she wouldn't come to work this morning, but he didn't. 

What should he say? Should he apologize? But for what is the question. They both did things wrong. How would she react? Would she be glad or just drop the phone without another word?

He sits in front of the phone and asks himself if she'd already called, but he just didn't notice it.

Time passes by and he walked through his apartment, never loosing the phone out of his sight and then he hears a sound. By listening to it more thoroughly he realizes that it's his cell phone. 

The display says "Wilson" and a slight trace of disappointment spreads itself.

"What?" he asks him after he accepted the call.

"I guess she didn't call," Wilson says.

"No."

"Free for a beer?" Wilson asks. Somehow he feels like cheering up the asshole that is claimed to be his best friend. 

After thinking about it for a second, he decides that it's better than hanging around alone.

"Yeah, I'll be there in a few minutes," he answers and drops the connection.

He changes into acceptable clothes and closes the door behind without looking back at the phone that lays on the piano…

She hadn't eaten a lot during the day and if the doctor inside of her hadn't remind her that it's not really healthy, she hadn't eaten anything. 

It was 9 pm and she still wears her night clothes, but there was no reason for changing into something else. 

She'll go back to work tomorrow and the piece of paper on the fridge reminds her that she'll have her first appointment because of the baby next week and so she thinks about him. Can she go through this alone or better said, does she want this alone?

Maybe I shouldn't have the appointment in the PPTH, because sooner or later someone will find about her pregnancy. Faster then she wants anyone to know. 

She walks back to the living room and takes the phone. Her heart beats fast when she dials the number that she knows by heart since years and waits, but he won't listen to the sound that his phone makes in the silence of his home.

He won't reply it, he already left…


	20. We all know things

Chapter 20

Chapter 20 – We all know things

She feels nervous when she came to work this morning and she couldn't stop thinking about him. Although he's just a few steps away, it feels like she can't reach him anymore if she wants to, but at the moment, she refuses any contact, without exactly knowing why, drowned in sadness.

It's the day of the first examination and she's alone.  
Between lots of paperwork, she thinks about the baby. She doesn't know what will happen and she also doesn't want to think about it now.

She'd gone through this once and she was alone and she thought she'd be strong enough, but then she miscarried and she'd gone through hell with no one beside her. No one who hold her and comforted her, no one who shared her pain.

She was terribly lonely, worse than ever and now she could've someone beside her. Someone who loves her and she refuses him, but deep inside of her she's just afraid that something will happen again and she doesn't want someone else to stand this pain, no one deserves this. She knows that she couldn't think about such things, but she isn't strong enough to push them away so easily.

She sighs and puts the paper away, staring at the phone. She hasn't an exact time for her appointment. Dr. Linton said she'll call when there's less to do, so the risk of being seen is a bit more improbable than usual.

The last week was more than hell for her. Beside the terribly morning sickness, sadness and anger about herself, she misses him.

Why can't she just walk in his office and tell him that she loves him and that she needs him with all her heart. Is that so difficult?

She misses him in every way. He doesn't come to her office to talk to her or ask for tests. He doesn't even make tests that aren't allowed. He does his clinic duty three times a week and he never did that without being forced to. He doesn't give her a reason to get out of her office and scream at him. Suddenly, he's the perfect doctor and she has to say that she doesn't like it. Not under these circumstances.

The phone stopped her thoughts and she answers it, feeling nervous.

"Dr. Cuddy?"

"Hey, it's Dr. Linton, are you ready?"

"Yeah," she answers, feeling a little irritated. "Sure, I'll be there."

"Good, see you in a few minutes."

She locks her office and looks around, checking if someone is watching her.

"This is ridiculous," she thinks when she walks up the stairs. "I'm running this hospital and I can go wherever I want to," she tells herself.

The main problem isn't actually the fear to be seen, it's more the fact that she's hiding this from him.  
She enters the gynaecology and sees Dr. Linton walking toward her. She already expected her.

"Let's go in there," she says with a smile and closes the door when they entered the room.

"First of all, congratulations," she says with a bright, friendly smile and sits down in front of her.

Cuddy always liked her and the way she treats her patients. She's always friendly and she understands a lot of things without being told. The easiest thing for Lisa is that Dr. Linton already knows everything of her history in trying to get pregnant. Another thing is that she's very open-hearted and she likes to ask people in a direct way if she wants to know something. It appears to be good and helpful, but sometimes it can hurt without noticing it.

"You had another IVF without telling me?"

"Well… actually not," she says and tries to avoid her gaze.

"I see," she answers with a knowing grin. "So it's true what they said?"

"Who?"

"Everyone. I always knew that there's something going on between you and him. It was just a matter of time."

Cuddy tries to ban the sadness out of her voice and says: "I thought you already know it. Everyone does."

"I've been on a conference and on vacation after that. Things need a while to reach us here."

"Okay, let's start with the general things. How do you feel?"

"Except the morning sickness, I feel tired sometimes. The usual things," she answers and manages to bring up a smile.

"Sounds good. Any questions so far?"

"No, not yet."

"Let's talk about the things I've to tell you, because of your age – sorry to say that," she starts and Lisa smiles.

"I know. Ultrasound, screening, amniocentesis, nuchal scan and so on," Lisa says. "You want to do the blood sample tomorrow?"  
"If that's okay for you. I don't have to tell you that you've to be sober right?" she says and laughs- She tries to cheer up the situation, because she realized that something is wrong.

"Let's start with the main part," she says and waits for Cuddy to follow her into the room next door. She settles herself on the chair, trying to make herself feeling comfortable. Her thoughts leave Greg and focus on the baby and her heart beats faster, making her feeling quivery. Will everything be alright? Will it be healthy?  
Thousands of questions flood her mind and she tries not to look to nervous.

This is just a simple ultrasound and however she misses someone who holds her hand right now.

"Don't fright, it'll be cold for a moment," Dr. Linton says and shows Cuddy the monitor. "There we go," she says and shows her the tiny part on the screen and the sound of a heartbeat reaches her ears. Her baby.

Her body is flooded with emotions and all of sudden, tears come to her eyes and the sadness overcomes her at the same time. She leans back and closes her eyes in order to control her feelings and a single tear runs down her face on each site and it remains silent.

There are a lot of things you would like about Dr. Linton. We all like people who care and comfort you, people you call friends although you hardly see each other, but if it comes to the point, you know that they'll be there for you and it's not just the fact that you can rely on them, you know that they really care. We all like people who talk to us when we're lonely and sometimes we like them to be silent and it appears to be more than a gift when they know when it's time to keep their mouth shut.

And she knows it, she knows best when it's time to take a step back and wait for a while.

Lisa can't say how much time passed by before she starts to speak.  
"You're in the third week of pregnancy," she says calm and steps beside her.

"I'm sorry," she answers in a hoarse voice, because of her tears.

"No. You don't have to," she says and touches her shoulder gently. She lets a few minutes pass by in which she writes something into the maternity log before she asks calm:" What's going on?"

"What do you mean?" she asks and hoped she wouldn't notice it.

"You know it. You showed up her alone which is nothing unusual, but you don't look happy. Not like I'd expect you to be. You try to pretend you are, but it doesn't really work." Lisa bits her lip and thinks about something to say.

"What happened?"

Lisa sighs and says:" I don't know. Things went wrong and I don't know how to handle it."

"What things? Is there anything I can do for you?" she asks and they sit down before they go on talking.

"I doubt that, but thank you."

"You're welcome."

"He doesn't even know that I'm here," Lisa starts. "I feel terrible, because I didn't tell him anything about it and I'm pretty sure he will find out soon."

"It won't better if someone else tells him about it."  
"I think so, but I just couldn't."

"Seems like your hormones already mess you up," she says with a smile.

"I'd really like to talk to him, but there's always something that stops me."

"Do you think it was a mistake?" Marina asks, watching her precisely.

"Sometimes," she says silent and feels angry, because she thinks that.

"Do you love him?"  
"I…I just –" Lisa starts, but she interrupts her.

"No. Tell me, do you love him? Yes or no."

"I do," she answers and there's silence again.

"Don't loose him," she says into the silence.

"What?"

"I said, don't loose him. Try to fix it before it's too late. He's the best thing that could happen to you."

"Are you serious?"

"I am."

"I thought you hate him, just like anyone else."

"Sometimes I do, but I think he can be a very nice man. I think he changes and he can be nice if he wants to."

"What made you change your mind?"

"It just happened. I mean it Lisa, try to save it," she says and her pager rings.

"Sorry," she says and checks her pager. "I have to go," she passes her the maternity log and says:"I'll see you tomorrow morning," she says and leaves the room. "See you."

"Bye," Lisa answers and watches her back heading to the other direction of the floor. What she can't see is the smile that appears on Marina's face when she leaves.

We all know a lot of things which shouldn't mean that we have to talk about it whenever we get the chance to. We know that things happen for a reason although we don't understand them sometimes.

Marina Linton was always a realistic woman, she knows that she can't save anyone's life, that she will fail sometimes and that she will make mistakes. She's not sure how her day will end and what's going to happen until then, but what she's sure of is that she saw Gregory House walking along the floor of her ward, watching the babies sleeping peacefully at night when he thought no one was watching.

Yes, she believes that he can be soft when he wants to and a tiny spark of hope spreads inside of her when she thinks about it.

Maybe things will turn out right sooner or later.

Hopefully not too late.


	21. broken promise

Chapter 21

Chapter 21 – Broken promise

The next morning didn't start better. Beside the sickness she wasn't allowed to eat anything which doesn't make it any better. She sits in her office and waits for Marina to call just like she did yesterday. She reads through her maternity log and looks up from time to time to check if someone comes to her office.

Actually she wants someone to come. Why can't he just walk in here without knowing and comment on her shirt or whatever?

She even musses this and he'd see the ultrasound pictures. She can't say what would happen, but she wouldn't have to take the decision whether to show him the pictures or not.  
She wants him to know the truth, but something doesn't.

She'd like to cry immediately, because she feels completely devastated and after thinking about it again, she puts the maternity log in her coat and starts to go through the pile of paperwork that waits on her desk. She almost reaches the middle of it when she founds a file of one of his patients. She opens the file to see if there's something to complain about, but everything appears to be fine. She signed it and puts it aside to go through the rest, but suddenly it bothers her.

She sighs and takes the file.

"Maybe it's good to get out of here for a few minutes," she thinks, not sure if she should pass it to him on her own or give it to someone else.

She walks to his office and prays that he's not in there to put the file on the table and leave without being seen, but through the glass front she sees him standing by the board, his assistants sitting in front of him.

She has to options now. Go in and play the cool and strong one and pass him the file or turn around and leave although it might look stupid. Due to the fact that she's on the verge of tears almost every five minutes, she absolutely doesn't feel strong and she might do something stupid then so the only option left is to leave and what she didn't see is that he's watching her all the time. Waiting for her to do something.

She only took a few steps when she hears the door behind her and the sound of his cane for each step he takes.

"Lisa wait," he says and waits for her to turn around and say something. "Please."

"I just wanted you to give you the file," she says on a silent voice and tries not to look in his eyes.

"I want to talk to you."

We're walking," she answers and is shocked, because her voice sounds so emotionless suddenly.  
"Don't be ridiculous. That's not what I mean," he says and tries to control his anger. She's not the only one who suffers, because of what happened. She's not the only one who feels lonely at night, not the only one who thinks that will and won't happen and she's not the only one who thinks that it could've been a mistake. He wants to believe a lot of things but not this and she doesn't make it easy for him.

"I don't have the time to talk right now," she says and handles him the file.

"If that's so," he says and takes the file. He sounds sad and angry and he walks back without another word and lets her stand in the floor alone.

She understands him in some way; maybe she's the one who's too stubborn right now.

What should she do? Walk inside his office and ask him for a word although she told him she doesn't have time?

She lays a hand on her forehead and sighs. Than she turns around and walks to the gynaecology, she doesn't care if she already called or not. She just needs someone to talk to and she's the only one she could talk to, because no one else knows about the pregnancy and Cuddy is sure that she will understand her best at the moment.

The atmosphere changes as soon as she enters the word. It seems to be more peaceful than elsewhere in the hospital. She tries to put up a smile and ignore her anger about herself, because she fucked it up again.

While she walks past the rooms she thinks about the things Dr. Linton told her a day before.

"Don't loose him. Try to save it"

She successfully failed at her first try.

"Hey Doctor," she says and Cuddy turns around.

"Hello," she answers. "I'm sorry I know you didn't call."

"No, it's fine. What's going on with you?" she asks and opens the door to her left to let Cuddy in.  
"I fucked it up!" Cuddy says and sits down in the chair and closes her eyes.

"That means?"

"I tried to talk to him."

"And?"

"Well, actually I didn't really planed it. I'd to give him a file and I hoped that he wouldn't be there. He wanted to talk."

"I'd say this is a good thing."

"I refused him," Cuddy says and looks into Dr. Linton's face that looks like something between pity and surprise. "And I don't even know why."

"I really don't know what to say right now," she says and starts to get the things she'd need for the blood sample.

"You don't have to say anything, but thanks."

"Is it really so difficult?"

"I don't know. On the one hand I'd say no, but on the other…"

"I feel stupid."

"Oh please stop feeling self-pity!"

"Sorry…"

"Cuddy!" she warned.

"Okay, I won't say anything now."

"I think that's better… for the beginning," she says and can't avoid a grin, just like Cuddy.

"God, what should I do with you?" Dr. Linton says more to herself. "I can't see where you're problem is."

"I don't know that either."

"I mean, he must've done something."  
"We had a fight and… I don't know. It was just bad. I knew he never wanted to have children and we fought and I always thought he changed and suddenly it seemed to me that he never changed and it hurt."

"You think you might've hurt him too?"

Cuddy bit her lip and remembers how he waited in the bitter cold night for her to let him in.

"You see, you're not only one," she says and puts the syringe away.

"Yeah, probably…" she whispers and regrets that she refused him earlier. She doesn't know what to say. She looks away from her, but she knows that she's watching her from the corner of her eye.

Cuddy tries to be strong and focus her thoughts and something happy, but she failed and tears flood her eyes. She tries to hide them and wipe them away with her thumb. She really feels stupid but she doesn't dare to say it now.

"Hey," Dr. Linton says and turns back to her, squeezing her hand in a gentle way. "Tell me how I should help you," she says soft, almost begging her to do something. "I don't like to see you like this."

"Me too."

"Promise me something?"

"Depends on."  
"Show him the pictures," she says and hopes that she's not interfering too much. She always liked Lisa and she knows what she'd already gone through and she just wants her to be happy. Lisa looks at her with a questioning face.

"Just show him the pictures; you don't even have to say something. Show him and wait what happens."

Cuddy takes a deep breath and sighs. She thinks about for a moment and strengthens herself mentally.

"Okay, I'll try it," she answers, still sounding a bit insecure.

"You can't keep him out of that. It won't be good. Not for you, for him and not for the baby," she starts. "But of course it's your decision."

"No, you are right," Cuddy says and waits for Marina to put the plaster on the puncture. "Thank you."

"Oh wait. I've the other appointments for you, just a second," she says and takes out her appointment calendar.

"That's good."

"The first one is the nuchal scan at May 5th. The amniocentesis at May 19th, and the organic ultrasound at July 10th. Just tell me if something is not okay."

"I don't know that up to now. I just say yes and check it. I don't think that there's already something at this time, but if there's really something I can't postpone, I'll tell you," she says and gives her a light smile.

"Good. I'll pass you the results when I get them."

"Thank you," Lisa says and stands up.

"And think of the promise," she reminds her and she leaves.

She hurries down the stairs, she only has 10 minutes left until she has to attend a damn, boring board meeting which will probably occupy her for hours.

It's already getting on her nerves by just thinking about it. She walks to her office to get the things she'll need and hopes that she doesn't miss something. She doesn't have time to eat now, but she's sure there will be something to eat at the meeting.

She takes of her coat and lays the maternity log on her desk before she changes into another pair of shoes. She always kept them in her office in case of emergencies and due to the fact that she'll sit almost all the time, she can risk wearing shoes that she usually wouldn't wear when she works.

She checks her appearance one last time by looking at the window of her office and walks out of her office. She tries to order her thoughts and focus on the meeting and nothing else. She can't afford to fuck that up too.

While she walks to the conference room, her thoughts leave her other troubles for a while. There was no more Greg and no more promise she gave earlier and she also forgot about the maternity log that still lays on her desk.

He spent his day with actually doing nothing. Why the hell did he have assistants? Because someone has to do the bad work! He wasn't willing to do anything from the moment on where he left Lisa back in the floor. She still thinks that he does his work properly so why doing anything if she thinks everything is right?

Most of the time, he sat in his office, thinking about what happened. Not only the "conversation", if you can claim that to be one, but their whole relationship.

There must have been a point where something went wrong and it didn't have to be the fight when he found out that she is pregnant. It must've been something that happened earlier but no one wanted to see it. A subconscious thing.

He tries to forget about that all the time, but a part of him couldn't stop thinking about. Around noon he went to Dinner to the Cafeteria with Wilson and it was quiet silent, because he wasn't willing to talk and Wilson knows better than to ask him what happened. He's sure that something happened, but he still can't say what it is.

Back in his office he thought about Stacy. He doesn't know why, but somehow he ended up thinking about her. What did he do when they fought? What would she do?

After a while he dropped this thought, because Cuddy isn't Stacy and the situation is a complete different one.

Hours later he sits in front of his board and thinks about a solution for his patient. And for himself, but he doubt that he'll find a way out of his situation by staring at the white board.  
"Maybe I should just walk in here office and force her to talk," he thinks and closes his eyes. He hasn't seen or heard her in the past hours, but he isn't sure if Wilson said something about a meeting during Dinner.

He was never a shy man, and he never did what someone told him and so he didn't care if she wants to talk or not. She will talk to him and with that thought; he walks out of his office. His assistants weren't there, just like Cuddy.

She wasn't in her office, but the door isn't locked and so he walks in and decides to wait for her as long as necessary until she'll be back.

When he reaches the desk, his eyes catch a small yellow book that lays there.

He immediately forgets why he actually came and he hand reaches out to take the small book, insecure if he should look in or not.

He feels a little spark of pain inside his chest when he holds the book in his hands and he couldn't help but stare at the front page. Minutes pass by before he starts to open it slowly to read what was written on the first page.

Just some general information about her and when he thumbs through the pages, he finds a few little pictures that were tucked between the pages and he knew what pictures those were without looking at them.

He takes them out and puts the book back on the table and watches the ultrasound pictures. Although there wasn't much in the picture that you can see so far, he feels something. A trace of emotions, that begins to spread inside of him. He never thought that he could feel like that and now he does and now he feels sad and angry about the fact that she hasn't told him anything and for him, it looks like she doesn't want to tell him. She could've done it this morning, but she refused it and he has to ask himself if she ever wants to tell him something, because at the moment she tries her best to keep him away from herself.

This is also his baby and he can't deny that he doesn't care, because it would be a lie. He stares at the pictures again and he doesn't notice her coming in.  
She stops in the doorway and her eyes wander to the things in his hand and he couldn't say if it was shock that reflects in her eyes for a moment.

He lays the pictures beside the book on the table and folds his arms in front of his chest, waiting for her to say something to stop the embarrassing silence that lasts between them. He looks up and catches her blue eyes that what him for a few seconds and it reminds him painfully of what he's going to loose and how much he misses her.

"What are you doing here?" she asks.

"I told you, we need to talk. And I want to talk to you now."

"It's late, I'd that damn meeting the whole afternoon and evening," she says walks in to change into the pairs of shoes that she left under her desk.

"Seems like you'll always find a way to avoid me."

"I don't. It's the truth."

"You ever wanted to tell me?" he asks in an absent voice without looking at her. She walks around the desk to stand in front of him.

"I…I of course I wanted to," she says and thinks of the promise. She didn't want to and he found them on his own. This wasn't how it should've happened.

"For some reason, I don't believe you," he says and before he thinks about it and regrets it the moment he said it.

She shakes her hand, feeling like being slapped in her face, because she really wanted to tell him.

"You could've told me this morning, was it so difficult?"

"I don't know why I didn't, but I really wanted to."  
"Yeah, when is the question," he says.

"I wanted to tell you after the meeting, but it took me such a long time to get it finished and I couldn't know that you'll find them," she says and she almost begs him to believe her.

"Well, they weren't hidden well."

"I just needed time," she starts.

"First of all we need to talk," he says and tries to calm. "It's all about time, it won't say anything. I just feel like you're pushing me away from your life more and more. I hardly saw you the past days, you refuse to talk to me and you try to avoid me."

"I don't, believe me," she says in a silent voice. "I want you to be there."

"Than show me, because it's harder to believe than ever," he says and by the tone of his voice she knows that he's sad. Sad about everything and the way this ends up again. Sad, because he won't hold her in her arms tonight and without another word, he leaves the office.

After he left, she sits down in her chair with closed eyes, still wearing no shoes and she thinks about the promise she gave Dr. Linton earlier this day.

She fucked it up, she broke the promise. And not only this.

In Germany the maternity logs are yellow as far as I remember, I don't know what colour they have in the US to be honest.


	22. Dance with me

Chapter 22 – Dance with me

Chapter 22 – Dance with me

When he comes home, he sits down on the sofa, feeling tired and exhausted from working all day and his thigh hurts. Another day passed by and he hadn't talked to Lisa up to now. He still feels bad, because she lied to him. About the pregnancy at first and the pictures later, but he needs her back.

There were always reasons why he hated pregnant women and that are the hormones. Women can be nasty and if she wouldn't be so fucking sexy and if he wouldn't love her so much, he would hate her.

Unwillingly, he stands up from the sofa, because he needs to change his clothes for tonight.

There will be a charity event in the hospital and it'll be his duty to be there although he absolutely doesn't want to go and Cuddy will be there and that's all that matters.

After a short shower, he decides to wear his usual black suit, because he only has this one.

She desperately tries to find something to wear for tonight and it's not like she hasn't enough clothes, but in situation like these, the wardrobe seems to be pretty empty.

She wants to be sexy, she wants to tease him and she wants him to know that she misses him.

The pregnancy is still a secret and she doesn't plan to reveal it tonight.

The problem is that she thinks that someone will notice it and that her belly can be seen and that it'd be obvious, no matter what she wears.

Actually, she's not sure if you can already see something or if she just thinks that you can see something.

She can't afford to be too late and in the end she takes a simple dark dress that's not as tight as the others.

On his way back to the hospital, he thinks about Cuddy and the whole situation and he even thinks about Wilson.

"Maybe I should tell him the truth," he thinks. "It could be easier to have someone to talk about and Cuddy has her doctor to talk."

He stops his car and walks to the hospital and sees Wilson standing by the entrance.  
"Thought you'd never come," he says when he approaches.

"Changed my mind," he answers, not looking pleased.

"I guess you still haven't talked?" Wilson asks when they walk in.

"Nope."

"Is she okay?"

"I think so," he answers.

"Want a drink?"

"Sure," he answers and they walk down the corridor to the hall where the event takes place. There are already a lot of people and he recognizes a couple of people from their previous events. Always the same boring faces.

He looks for Lisa and tries to do that without letting Wilson know this, but of course he does.  
"She's not here up to now," he says and passes him a glass.

"Yeah," he answers and they sit down on a small table.

They start to talk about everyone who walks by and he starts to ask when it's time for dinner, because he's starving.

"She said that she'd be late?" House wants to know and deep inside he feels restless and a bit nervous, because she's never late.

"She's just a little bit late…"

"She never is!"

"It'll be alright, you'll see," Wilson says.

"You don't know," House says with a knowing tone in his voice which makes Wilson curious.

"Don't know what?"

"It's okay," he thinks and considers if this is the right time to tell him their secret.

"There is she," Wilson says with a look to the other side of the hall where Cuddy just entered.

"Wow, she looks great," Wilson says and House gives him a don't-you-even-think-about-it look.

"Sorry."

"But he's right," House thinks. She looks better than ever, seems like the pregnancy makes her sexier than she already is.

"Don't you want to go and say hello?" Wilson wants to know and House just watches his glass that he holds in his hands.

"Idiot!"

"Don't you have your own problems?"

"Yeah, but yours are more interesting, because you're stupid!"

He watches her for the next thirty minutes and isn't sure whether she noticed it and it's finally time for dinner.

He never stops watching her when he gets himself something to eat and it bothers him to see her talking to another man, being obviously happy.

He knows that she isn't happy and she should talk to him right now.

"Jealous?" Wilson asks obviously amused and sits down with a plate in front of him.

"Shout your mouth," he says and joins him.  
"I just can't understand how you can be so damn stubborn!"

"And I can't understand why you have to be such a pain in the ass tonight!"

"I don't want you to make the same mistakes you made with Stacy."

"Thanks daddy. Since when do you care?"

"Since I'm the one who has to be there for you when it happens!"

"She's not Stacy. It's different!"

"What's different?"

"She's pregnant," he says without thinking about it again and for the first time tonight, Wilson is speechless. The expression on his face has something between shock, disbelief and amusement.  
"What?" he asks after moments of pleasant silence.

"She's pregnant, got it?" he repeats. "And keep your mouth shut or I'll kill you!"

They eat their dinner in silence and Wilson still tries to think about something more to say. Gregory House and a baby are completely unbelievable. Two different things and he thought they would never fit and now she's pregnant.

The time passes by and the people started to dance and talk in small groups along the dance floor.

He watches Lisa again and pretends that he hasn't when their eyes meet every once in a while.

"Since when do you know it?" Wilson asks, appearing next to him.

"A few weeks."

"Was that the reason of your argument?"

"Sort of, yes."

"Oh and congratulations, by the way," Wilson says and can't avoid a grin.

"Thanks," he answers in an absent voice, not looking at him.

"I'll be back," he says and passes Wilson his glass, not sure if he really will be back soon. He needs a few steps to see her completely and he needs her right now and the wish to hold her in his arms is stronger than ever.

She turns her head when she sees him approaching.

"Excuse me," he says to the men standing next to her and takes her hand to lead her away. She doesn't protest and the dance floor is so crowded that they can't see where they go and while they walk between all those people, Cuddy doesn't say anything. She's still surprised about his action and feels a little bit insecure.

"Dance with me," he says although he hates dancing and he just wants to hold her close. He pulls her closer and feels relieved when she gives in.

He's careful at first and lays his arm around her in a gentle way, holding her as close as possible. She lays her head on his shoulder and closes her eyes to enjoy every part of him that she can get right now.

He smells her wonderful scent and realizes how much he missed her. She lays his arms tight around him.

"You're so beautiful," he whispers and places a feather light kiss on her cheek.

"I missed you so much," she whispers and looks in his eyes.

She did that hundreds of times, but she never did it with so much love. She wants to tell him that she's sorry and that she loves him and that she believes that everything will turn out right in the end, but she doesn't need to say anything.

The loo in her eyes says more than thousands of words and everything around them seems to be silent and there's just him and nothing else.

She leans forward to breathe a light kiss on his lips and her body is flooded with emotions when they sink into a deep, wanting kiss.

"Let's go home," she whispers and almost begs him to get her out of there. He takes her hand and leads her out of the hall without another word and walk to his car.

The drive to Lisa's house is quiet, because they both seem to think about what happened and what is going to happen and it's not a tensed silence, it's more a comforting one.

"I'm so sorry," Lisa says when they stand inside the living room. This is the place where he told her that he loves her for the very first time.

"Me too, I was stupid," he says and she can't help but smile a little, because this was so damn stupid. They acted like two little children.

"You look tired," he says and touches her left cheek in a soft way.

"I am," she replies and he follows her into the bedroom and lays down on the bed beside her.

He watches her in the semi-darkness of the bedroom and takes her hand that rests on her belly.

"I love you," he whispers and kisses her again. She feels his comforting warmth and the tiredness that overcomes her.

"I love you too."

How do I,  
Get through the night without you?  
If I had to live without you,  
What kind of life would that be?  
Oh, I  
I need you in my arms, need you to hold,  
You're my world, my heart, my soul,  
If you ever leave,  
Baby you would take away everything good in my life,

And tell me now  
How do I live without you?  
I want to know,  
How do I breathe without you?  
If you ever go,  
How do I ever, ever survive?  
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

Without you,  
There'd be no sun in my sky,  
There would be no love in my life,  
There'd be no world left for me.  
And I,  
Baby I don't know what I would do,  
I'd be lost if I lost you,  
If you ever leave,  
Baby you would take away everything real in my life,

And tell me now,  
How do I live without you?  
I want to know,  
How do I breathe without you?  
If you ever go,  
How do I ever, ever survive?  
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

Please tell me baby,  
How do I go on?

If you ever leave,  
Baby you would take away everything,  
I need you with me,  
Baby don't you know that you're everything,  
Real in my life?

And tell me now,  
How do I live without you,  
I want to know,  
How do I breathe without you?  
If you ever go,  
How do I ever, ever survive?  
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

How do I live without you?

How do I live without you baby?

(I know it might be gooey, but I love his song and I thought this fits perfect)


	23. Rain

Chapter 23: Only He knows why

Almost four weeks passed since he apologized and she still is a little bit surprised, but happy about this. She didn't expect this, but she's glad that he did it.

With the time, she starts to forget what actually happened and sometimes, she even laughs at this, because it seemed to be so ridiculous. Their relationship slowly turns into something that you can describe as normal, if you ever can claim as something normal.

Now, it isn't a secret anymore that she's pregnant, because hiding it is quite impossible and to her mind it is too strenuous to try to hide it all the time. She feels better without worrying about that, without paying attention all the time so that no one will see it. Even he seems to be okay with it and of course everyone knows who's the father, but she wonders that no one still said anything about it. She at least expected this, because she knows her staff.

She sits in her office and remembers how Wilson found react the next time he saw her after the charity party, because Greg told him what's going on.

She looked up when she heard someone in front of her office and as soon as she saw Wilson, she looks down on her papers, because for some reason, she couldn't face him, but it was pretty hard not to smile and of course he saw her face although she tries to act like he hasn't.

The door opened and she still looks at the paper in front of her.

"Yes?" she asked without looking up.

"Do you try to ignore me?" he asked and she could hear that he was amused or happy. Maybe both.

After thinking about it for a few seconds she said: "No, I'm just working," and he could hear that she was about to laugh.

"Of course you do," he said and sits down in front of her. "Look at me," he ordered her friendly and this time, she looked up, but not directly in his eyes. "Lisa!"

"Okay, okay," she said and looked in his eyes, than she started to laugh. "You know it don't you?" she asked him and leaned back to look at him from a little distance.

"I can't believe it!" he said, still trying to get it.

"Ask me," she answered.

"Since when?" he wanted to know.

"January."

"Oh My God, and you didn't tell me?" he asked.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell anyone."  
"It's not bad."

"I know, but…. I don't know why I didn't, that's it!"

"I'm very happy for you, you really deserve it," he said and she knew that he meant what he said.

"Thank you very much James."

"How do you feel?"

"Well, despite the usual pregnancy things, I feel good, thanks."

"That's nice to hear."

"When did he told you?" Lisa wanted to know.

"He did it at the Charity Party, I think he needed a little kick in his ass."  
"Thank you very much for that."

"You're welcome."

"I still can't believe that House will be a father."  
"I think no one does," she said. "Maybe not even him," she said and laughed.

"Do you think so?" Wilson wanted to know.

"No, I think he gets used to it slowly."

"We'll see," he says. "It's just so hard to imagine."

There were a few seconds of silence between them and she really tried to find something to say. She didn't know, why she felt that awkward right now, but somehow she did.

"Well, it was nice talking to you. I have a patient waiting for me. Tell me if you need something," he said and stood up.

"Thank you James," she answered and he left.

She still has to laugh when she thinks about this conversation. It feels very nice to share it with other people and it's nice to see when they're really happy for you.

Outside, the sun shines brightly and she hates the fact that she has to sit in her office and finish boring paperwork, but of course it has to be done.

Another thing is that she has to find someone who will lead the hospital the time she isn't there and she has the choice to take someone of her own staff here in the hospital or hire someone new. Of course, it's not her own decision, but her decision means a lot. For her, it's harder to find someone than she thought. She would like to take someone she already knows, so she knows perfectly that she can rely on this person, but who the hell should that be?  
House would probably like to see himself as Dean of Medicine but as much as she loves him, she couldn't offer him this job.

He changed, but somehow she thinks that he didn't change at all in some points and she couldn't trust him with leading her hospital and they already has this discussion a couple of times and he obviously likes to bother her with that topic, because he brings it up every time he can. Actually, Cuddy shouldn't bother with this, because she knows that he actually doesn't want this job. He prefers to do less work than possible and leading this hospital would mean a lot of work and that absolutely doesn't fit him.

He always likes to see the good things in this job like coming to work whenever he likes it (even if it's not like this) and telling other people to do things for him all the time, that's what he would like, but he never thinks about the possibility that there might be someone like him who doesn't listen to what he says (and he'd probably, finally know how she feels with this all the time) and he wouldn't like this job so much. Another thing is that her hospital would probably run out of money sooner than she can imagine, because he spent all the money for some suspicious methods of treatments.

She still smiles when she thinks about this, and it all might sound so bad, but he isn't. Most of them time and let's say, she has her reasons for not giving him her job. She will find someone, she thinks. Sooner or later, she will and everything would be fine.

The problem is that she doesn't have a lot of time, not as much as she thought she has, because the time passed by fast and in a couple of months, she'll be on maternity and than? She really tries her best to find someone, without knowing that she might not need someone new.

It's late in the evening and I got quiet in the hospital, most of the people went home, Cuddy was one of them. She left around 7pm, because she finished all her paperwork and there was nothing else to do for her.

House still had to take care of one of his patients, if you can call it "taking care". He ordered his assistants to do some tests an hour ago and since then, he sits in his office and does nothing. He talked to Cuddy once on the phone, because she wanted him to bring her some ice-cream when he comes home and he promised to do so, but he has to wait until he got the results. He doesn't want to go home and leave again five minutes later to call him back and so he decided to stay just a few minutes longer and go home straight after that.

At 8:27pm, the ducklings are still in the lab and he gets bored so he decides to see Wilson, if he is there.

He walks in and sits down without asking and looks at Wilson.

"Hey," he says. "How's it going?" he asks.

"I'm bored."

"Nothing to do I think?" Wilson says.

"No, I've to wait for the results and than I'll go home."

"Okay."

"But something takes them a lot of time."

"Why are you so impatient?" Wilson asks.

"I should be home."

"Oh, I see."

"What?"

"How does it feel?" he asks with a smile on his lips.

"Does what feel?" House wants to know.

"You know… becoming a dad."

"Oh. Well, I still can't believe it," he says and looks for some more works.

Wilson laughs and shakes his head.

"I thought about a lot of things, "he begins. "I always knew there was something between you and Cuddy, but I never dreamed about you becoming a dad."

"It's not so funny," House answers.

"I know, and I'm pretty happy for you, it's just so hart to imagine."

"I don't know what I feel about this," House starts. "You said it, even I never dreamed about it and when she told me, I felt nothing, I was … I don't know, it ended up in a fight."

"Yeah, I know."

House stands up and turns his back to Wilson to watch out of the window.

"It started to rain," he says more to himself and when he realizes that Wilson won't answer, he goes on.

"I'm getting used to it," he finally says. "I'll go and have a look if they still have some results."

"Good luck," Wilson says and the door shut.

He takes his time with going back to his office or the lab, he thinks about Cuddy and than he isn't sure if she told him what kind of ice-cream she wanted and what taste she prefers. Maybe it doesn't matter, he thinks, but the fact that she's pregnant changes a lot. He doesn't want to mess up with her so he decides to call and ask her.

When he reaches his office, it was still dark and there's no sign of his Team.

He sighs and with a glance to his watch, he finds out that it's already 9:05pm. He sits down in his chair and sees that the small, red lamp of his AM blinks and he leans forward to press the little button to listen to the message, although she can't imagine who should leave him a message.

There's one message from 8:45pm and his heart nearly stops beating when he hears Lisa's voice.

"Greg…" she whispers and he knows that something was wrong. He hears that she's crying and that she's terrified.

"Greg, I need….," she sobs. "I need your help."

That was all. Nothing more.

He's afraid of what happened and there's one thought that comes to his mind immediately, but he doesn't want to think about this. Why the hell, didn't she tell him what exactly was going on?  
With a look on the AM, he sees that there's a second message and he presses the button again, this time he feels afraid although House never does.

"Greg," she almost screams in a tearful and terrified voice. "Please, pick up the phone, it's the baby I think," and her last words weren't more than a silent whispers and the message is over. It was from 8:58pm.

It was indescribable what he feels this moment, he stands up fast and screams out loud, because he forgot about his leg this time and sits down again for a second to try to stand up again and he ignores the pain, because he has to see Cuddy. There is something wrong and with thousands of thoughts in his mind, he walks down the corridor and suddenly he feels completely overextended.

Where should he go first and should he tell someone?

He turns around and sees Wilson coming out of his office, a confused look on his face.  
"Did you scream?" he asks and by the look on House face, he already knows the answer and he knows that something went wrong.

"What's going on," he asks and approaches.

"Cuddy," is all he answers and suddenly he hears the siren of an ambulance that just stopped in front of the clinic and suddenly the time seemed to stop.

He know it was her, before he saw her and Wilson is beside him when the doors open and the paramedics come in with a woman on a stretcher.

"38-year old woman," the first paramedic starts. "Called from home, lost consciousness in the ambulance, she has bleedings," he says and waits for one of the two doctors to say something, but they couldn't. House doesn't move, the only thing he does is staring at Lisa's pale face in front of him that looks like she's sleeping. In slow-motion, he watches the nurses that start to take care of her and somehow Wilson reacts next to him.

"It's your boss," the other paramedic says before they leave.

"Call Dr. Linton," someone screams and than he hears Wilson talking. "She's pregnant," he tells the others and House notices that he's talking about in the presence. He stares at the scene in front of him and isn't able to do anything. He can't believe what just happens; he doesn't want to know it.

Why didn't he go home when she called him for the ice-cream? He shouldn't have waited for the results, he should've been there.

He wants to scream and tell the others what they should do, but he couldn't. Someone hits his shoulder and he sees a young doctor in front of him that he remembers as her gynaecologist and the look on her face changes as soon as she looks at her.

Suddenly, there are a lot of people around her and he couldn't see Lisa anymore.

"Get out of here," Wilson shouts, but he doesn't move. "Come one, get out," Wilson says again and takes him by the arm and he tries to protest although he's not in the mood for a fight. Wilson takes him out of the emergency room and they now stand in an empty corridor.

He turns around, because he doesn't want to look at him and he has to do something, he can't just sit here and do nothing.

With all his rage and fear he hits the wall with his fist, knowing exactly that it would hurt and he oppresses another scream and leans his head against the cold surface of the wall, not wanting to believe what is going to happen. Within seconds he feels completely messed up and he feels totally helpless and he hates that feeling.

Wilson stands at the other side of the corridor, he arms crossed in front of his chest, watching to the ground without a word. Sometimes, it's hard to find the right words and this is one of the situations in which you better keep your mouth shut, he thinks.

The silence between them becomes more uncomfortable with every second and House starts to walk a few steps, making Wilson nervous with that, but he doesn't dare to tell him so.

No one came to tell them what's going on and to be honest, no one really wants to know what exactly happened and after a while that seemed to be an eternity, Wilson left without a word.

He doesn't bother with thinking about what's his going to do or where he goes.

He doesn't know the truth up to now, and he fights with all the strength he can bring up only to ban the cruel truth out of his mind.

His sees Cuddy's pale face in front of him, her eyes shut. He could see that her cheeks were red, she seemed to have temperature, and maybe an infection from whatever poisoned her body. He hears her terrified voice in his mind, her desperate try to get some help and he wasn't there.

He wasn't there to hold her hand when she really needed him. Maybe he might have noticed something before and took her to the hospital and now it's too late.

Why the hell did he stay here? He never did and why the hell did he stay tonight? He stands with his back to the wall, his head leaned back, his eyes closed.

What should he do?

The world around him became silent and the only thing he thinks to hear from far away is the rain that poured down on the streets in the darkness.

He takes a deep breath and suddenly he hears steps and from the corner of his eye, he sees Wilson comes back from the opposite direction.

House opens his eyes, his face expressionless, his eyes full of regret and hidden pain. Wilson looks worried. Maybe he also feels pain and he feels pity.

"She's in the surgery right now," he says silent and doesn't except an answer. House looks at him and nods slowly.

He feels empty and still, he has no idea what to do. He ignores the throbbing pain in his hand and leaves the corridor. He doesn't know where to go so he ends up in his dark office, staring at his phone.

He should've been here and listen to her call.

It was 10:43pm when Wilson enters his office with something in his hand, but without a word.

He sits down in front of House.

"Let me see your hand," he orders him and he holds out his hurt one without looking at him. He feels how he starts to treat whatever he caused with his hitting the wall and House still tries to avoid his gaze.

A few minutes later, he seems to have finished his work, because he hears how Wilson takes out his gloves and his fingers are wrapped in a white bandage.

"She will be out of surgery soon," he says silent but House doesn't show any reaction.

"Will you go and see her?" he wants to know.

He takes several minutes to answer in a silent, hoarse voice: "I don't know," and he shakes his head and looks at his hand again.

"Call me if you need something," Wilson says and leaves the room. For the, probably first time in his life, he wants to thank him, but words failed him.

He leans back in his chair in the darkness of his office, it still poured outside and he changes his position every few minutes and an hour later he is on the verge of driving made and with a killing pain inside his chest, he stands up and walks down the corridor to get to the room where Cuddy now sleeps peacefully without knowing what exactly happened until she opens her eyes.

He's more than thankful that the corridor is empty and he sits down in front of her room, without the courage to go in there, because he's afraid to face his own pain.

He wants to go in there and see Lisa, but something holds him back.

Again, he hears steps from the other side of the corridor and he hears someone speaking from far away.

"Hey Greg," someone says calm and he wants to shout at Wilson and tell him to go away and leave him alone when he realizes that this is not Wilson's voice, but one he heard the last time a couple of years ago…


	24. Only He knows why

Chapter 24 – Only He knows why

Chapter 24 – Only He knows why

He looks up and watches her coming closer. He expected a lot of people here, but not her. He wants to say something, but again, words failed him. He feels still so confused.

"Hey," she says again and sits down on the chair beside him and stays silent. She stares straight ahead, just like him, focussing the door in front of them.

He tries to order his thoughts, tries to get a clear mind, but there's so much going on and with her sitting beside him, it turned out to be impossible.

He wants to ask her why she is here and where she came from and he just wants to know why.

Why do things happen?

Maybe he'll never get an answer. Maybe she isn't even here. What if he's gone completely insane now?

He turns his head and so does she when she notices that he watches her.

She doesn't smile and she seems to think about something to say. He looks at her for several seconds. She looks beautiful. Her hair seems to be a little longer than the last time he saw her, but still she seems to be the same.

"Are you really here?" he whispers, because he just can't believe that she's really sitting beside him.

"Yes," she whispers back after waiting a few seconds. The silence feels more uncomfortable than ever and she feels really sorry for him.

She hated him for such a long time for all the things that happened between them and she hated him, because he regretted her the last time she decided to stay with him a couple of years ago, but now she feels sorry for him.

She feels sorry about his loss and the thing he's going through now and she wants nothing more than to help, not knowing if she'll be able to help him or make it worse for him in the end.

He looks so different; he seems to have changed over the years. It wasn't a surprise that he's now in a relationship with Cuddy. She always knew they would be sooner or later and she's happy for him and still, there's this little part of her that regrets so much things and there's this little part in her heart that wants him back.

"What are you doing here?" she asks calm and waits for an answer.

"I wish I'd know."

He shakes his head and she looks at him again.

"I am so sorry," she says and faces him directly.

She doesn't expect an answer and he keeps on staring to the ground just like he did the last minutes.

"Greg, I want you to look at me," she tells him and although he never really does what he's told to, he turns his head.

"What are you doing out here?" she asks him and looks to the door for a minute. Her voice is calm, almost whispering and her eyes tell him that she really feels sorry, but he also knows that there's something else.

"Looking for…" he begins with an absent voice, trying to find words to tell her why he's actually sitting here. "Reasons, maybe."

"This is not one of your cases."

"But there has to be something," he says as if he doesn't want to believe it.

"I doubt you will find anything with just sitting here."

"Who knows."

"Only He knows why," she answers and for a moment, he thinks to see tears in her eyes. "Only He knows why things happen, no matter how long you try to find some answers."  
He shakes his head.

She takes his hand and he wants to take it back, but something stopped him. He watches her fingers on his own and than he realizes that she's not wearing her wedding ring anymore and he doesn't need to ask if she forgot it at home, he knows that she would never wear it again and again, he feels a slight pain inside his heart.

She notices that he noticed it. How could she think he wouldn't, he always did. She looks up and stares in his icy-blue eyes.

"Things happen," she tells him. "And sometimes we don't even know why, no matter if we like it or not."

"I should've been home earlier," he says. "I should've been there."

"You can't change it anymore, you know it. What-if's won't help you anymore."

"What should help me than?"

"She needs you in there," she says.

"Stacy, I can't …"

"What should that mean you can't?" she wants to know and he thinks that she's getting furious with him.

"She needs you now. Probably more than she did before in her entire life and you love her," she pauses a second. "I know you do," and he isn't sure if there's a trace of sadness in her voice.

"I never thought it would hurt so much," he suddenly says into the silence. "I never really thought it would."

"Yes, it does" she says.

"It feels like it's my fault," he says.

"You know it's not," she says and knows that she will need better arguments the next time to persuade him and she takes his hand again. "I beg you, please don't make the same mistake again, otherwise you'll loose her and it'll kill you both, don't do that."

This time, he knows that she's right; he probably won't be able to go through this again.

"I don't know what to do and I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything, just be there."

"That's it? And you really think this will help?"

"More than you'd ever dream of," she tells him and this time, he realizes that he should've been there a long time ago, maybe it would've changed anything.

"Now go in there," she orders him. "She needs you and you love her," she says and pauses several seconds. "I know you do."

"I'm sorry for not being there."

"Life goes on," she says and he sees the sadness in her face. "No discussions anymore, go in there and be there for her, someday, it might not hurt anymore."

"Why are you here?" he asks her and she lifts her shoulders.

"I just felt that I should be here."

"I don't know if you're really there, but thank you," he says and places a light kiss on her cheek. "Thank you for everything."

She takes a deep breath to oppress her tears and watches him standing up, with his right hand on the door, ready to push it open, he stops and turns around again.

"One question, before I go."

"Yes?"

"Where's your wedding ring?"

"I don't need a ring anymore."

He takes a deep breath and tries to ignore the nervousness that spreads inside of him.

"Are you alone?"

"Sometimes I am, yes."

"Will you wait?"

"I will always wait," she answers and he nods and enters the silent room.

For a moment, he thinks it's hard to breathe and he's never been so nervous before. He approaches slowly and sees Cuddy laying in bed, she's still pale with a needle in her right hand, her eyes are closed and he's not sure whether she's sleeping and he thinks it's hard to look at her, because he feels guilty and ashamed.

He asks himself what to do and remembers what Stacy told him just a few seconds ago. He told him to do nothing, he shouldn't even speak and he feels relieved that she seems to be sleeping and he tries to deny the wish to justify himself although it wouldn't make sense.

He sits down beside the bed, his face laid in his hands.

The silence inside the room feels cruel and he tries to forget about the wish to run away immediately.

His sits there without doing anything, feeling pity for himself without being able to imagine how much pain she must have felt and how worse it'll be the next time and although someone told him not to do, he asks himself thousands of times what would've happened if he would've been home.

"Did she show symptoms?" he asks himself. "Was there anything during the day that I missed? There must've been something, a little symptom that showed something, I just missed it."

The next time, he looks over to the clock on the wall. It's already 0:55am, the time passes by fast although it feels like passing by in slow-motion.

He needs another 10 minutes until he feels strong enough to do anything.

He reaches out to touch her hand, which feels cold and he holds it tighter, but soft to keep her warm.

A few seconds later, he feels her fingers moving in his own and he waits for her to open her eyes.

She turns her head slowly and he couldn't look away, because it would've hurt so much and he looks in her pale and tired face.

Her eyes look expressionless the first time and when she slowly realizes what happened, the look in her eyes changes into sadness and a cruel pain. An emptiness she now feels inside her body, because they'd taken something away from her.

She looks straight in his eyes and the time appears to stand still and Stacy was right, there's nothing to say at the moment.

He touches her cheek slowly to wipe a few hairs out of her face and she closes her eyes the moment his fingers touch her cold skin.

Without thinking about it, he stands up and lays down on the bed beside her carefully and she takes his hand.

He closes his eyes and listens to her calm breath and her body starts too shiver and he knows that she's crying and the moment he sees tears falling down her cheeks, he holds her tight and the pain inside his chest grows and he knows that it meant more to him than he wanted to tolerate all the time.

He lays his head down beside her face and her hand reaches out to touch his cheek and this time he feels weaker than he ever did before.

"I am…-" he begins in a whispering voice and for some reason he finds it hard to speak and he fears that he would start to cry.

"Don't," Cuddy whispers in a hoarse voice. "Just stay here," she says and let's her tears fall and for the rest of this never ending night, no one will say a word anymore.

Each of them stays silent with their own thoughts, regret and wishes. With silent prayers which should make it undone. With thousands of questions and the wish to know why someone punished them like this.

He caresses her hand back with two fingers and fights against the fatigue, because he doesn't want to sleep now, but even a strong man has to give up sometimes…

And Stacy? Stacy would be gone by the time he will leave this room again.


	25. New dawn

Wilson sits in his office although he could've been home a long time ago, but he felt like he should stay with House although he's not with him and although he's been a jerk almost his entire life

Wilson sits in his office although he could've been home a long time ago, but he felt like he should stay with House although he's not with him and although he's been a jerk almost his entire life.

It wouldn't be right to leave him alone this night. No one deserves this.

A couple of hours ago, he talked to him and he told him that he doesn't know what he feels about the baby, but the look on his face, when he found out what happened, said more than hundreds of words and it meant more to him than he would've ever admitted.

He fell asleep from time to time in a pretty uncomfortable position in the chair behind his desk. He goes back to sleep every once in a while when he woke up, because he thought that he heard something out on the floor.

He lays his hand in his hand and notices that the sun already starts to set outside.

It's almost 4 am and he takes a deep breath and slowly the things that happened the night before come back to his mind.

No matter what a jerk House always is or was, he feels sorry for him and he also feels more than Cuddy and he remembers the last time when he found Cuddy crying in her office, because House hurt her a lot and now it's House part to take care of her.

There's nothing he could do right now except being there as a good friends. One he will always be.

He feels hungry when he stands up, but he's not in the mood of getting himself something to eat.

He thinks that he should go and see how House is doing and he prays that he's with Cuddy and not somewhere else, doing something stupid.

He blinks a few times, because of the bright daylight that already shines through the windows so early in the morning and suddenly he has to think of Cuddy and he isn't sure if he'd seen here last night or not, but he doubt that, because there's no reason for her to be here. He must've dreamed it during the seconds in which he always fell asleep.

He thinks that he probably can't stand the look on House right now, but despite that he walks to the room where she sleeps in and sits down in front of the door, staring at the door just like House did it a few hours before.

"Should I go in there or should I wait until something happens?" he asks himself, not sure if House is really in there, but if he really is, he will have to come out later.

He wakes up and tries to be careful, because he doesn't want to hurt Cuddy or wake her up. The moment he stands up, every part of his body starts to hurt, because of the uncomfortable position, but he doesn't care.

He looks at Lisa, she still sleeps, but she doesn't look that pale anymore, and her hands aren't cold anymore too.

With looking at her, he wishes that she wouldn't have to wake her up. He wishes that he can let her sleep forever to keep her away from all the pain and the cruel truth that will hit her when she starts to realize what happened to her.

He wants to protect her, keep her away from any harm, because the truth is that he can't do that. Sooner or later, she has to face it and than it'll be his part to be there for her and he knows that it won't be easy.

He doesn't want to leave, because he doesn't want her to be alone when she wakes up. He sits down in the chair and takes her hand.

He's still tired and he not able to think about anything. He feels weak and he feels like they took something away from him, he feels like he lost something.

He closes his eyes, but his mind begins to fill with thousands of thoughts again and he can't do anything about it.

He remembers why he finally walked in here, there was someone out there. Someone who talked to him and made him going in there.

After thinking about it for a while he thinks about Stacy. She was the one who made him going in here. She saved his life with that, again.

He wants to thank her again, but he knows that she won't be there anymore although she promised to wait and deep inside of him, he knows that she would and she will always keep a little place in his heart, no matter where she is, this is what he realized last night and maybe he needed that.

Without noticing it, Lisa opens his eyes.

She wants to cry the moment she opens her eyes, but she keeps her mouth shut. She tries to breathe calm. Her body hurts and she feels terribly empty, because they took her baby. They took something away from her. She already felt that once and years ago, he prayed to God that she would never have to feel this again, but he didn't listen.

She feels weak and she wants to be alone, but she doesn't dare to tell him, because she was thankful on the other hand that he was there last night.

"Hey," he says silent and almost a little bit shy and he waits for her to response the touch of his hand, but she doesn't.

He tries to hide his disappointment and tries to understand her now.

"You need anything?" he asks just to say something.

She turns her head away and whispers: "Leave me alone."  
He isn't sure if there's something judging in her voice, and even if there isn't something like this, he feels hurt.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," she replies. "Please."

He hesitates for a moment, but decides that it's better not to stay now and give her some time to think about it.

Slowly, he walks out of the room and when he steps out in the corridor, it's empty. Something inside of him changed and he doesn't know what he expected, that Stacy would still sit here and wait for him?

There's no sign of Wilson and he doesn't bother with looking for although a part of him tells him to.

He walks along the corridor and tries to avoid the others faces, the look of pity when the look at him makes him sick.

He walks into his empty office and steps out onto the balcony.

The air is chilling and he shivers for a moment, because his body is still warm from sleeping.

He stares into the air in front of him, far away at the horizon; he sees the sky getting brighter.

The rain had stopped.

It's time for a new day, a new dawn. Who knows how things will turn out in the future? Who knows if they will be strong enough to go through this together?

He's afraid of the next time of what will come and how things will change. He's afraid of Cuddy, because he's afraid that he won't be able to be there for her, to comfort her like she'll need it.

He's never been a man of great feelings and now even he has to change completely because she will need him more than ever.

He hears steps behind him and sees Wilson approaching slowly. He feels his hand on his shoulder, a little gesture to cheer him up or show him that he's there and he's thankful for that and thankful that he is there even without saying anything.

_Almost three years later…_

It's a warm spring morning and Cuddy stands by the window with a smile on her face. The last years had been very hard, but she feels blessed, because they were strong enough to go through it together.

A lot of things had changed.

She had changed, she isn't working a lot anymore, and she has better things to do now. She learned to change things, things she would've never changed before.

Greg also changed, he still can be a jerk, but most of the time he can be very nice.

She still smiles and feels to hands that lay on her waist softly and Greg hugs her from behind, placing a light kiss on her neck.

"She already looks like you," he says with a smile and turns her a little to watch at their little three months old daughter that sleeps peacefully in front of them and nothing will ever set them apart.

Forever.

**My dear readers,**

**We reached the end of my story!  
What should I say? First of all, I like to thank you for all your nice reviews that made it even easier to write a new chapter, although it took me such a long time sometimes to update, sorry because of that!**

**It's always nice to know that there are people who wait for me to update and it's such a wonderful feeling, thank you for that.**

**I really hope you enjoyed the whole story. I felt like I owe you this ending, it would've probably broke my heart to write it differently. **

**I won't let you wait for too long, I already have a couple of new ideas and I'll try to write them as fast as it's possible.**

**I hope I'll see you there again!**

**Thank you!**

**P.S.: I'm sorry for my grammar mistakes!**


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